Bars & Pubs

50 Things To Do In Melbourne If You’re Single

By Daniel Colasimone
16th Oct 2014

The world can be a joyless, lonely, desolate place if you're single. If all your mates are in relationships, you so often seem to be left at home twiddling your thumbs while they do interesting and fun things like go to musical theatre, have brunch and go on staycations. None of those things can be done solo.

While you are searching for a solution to your current relationship status woes, here are 50 things to do in Melbourne if you're single.

  1. Literally twiddle your thumbs.
  2. Watch all 10 seasons of Friends back to back. Repeat ad infinitum.
  3. Go down to the edge of the Yarra and stare into its murky waters all afternoon.
  4. Masticate furiously and repeatedly. We recommend Extra Sugar Free Gum because it is sugar free.
  5. Pretend you're in The Shawshank Redemption and use a stone hammer to chip a secret escape tunnel through your bedroom wall over a number of years. Don't let the 'guards' catch you though!
  6. Meet other singles at the Fountain Gate Bingo Centre.
  7. Re-enact the Kennedy-Nixon debates with your cat or dog. If you don't have a cat or dog, just sit on the edge of your bed and wait.
  8. Floss daily.
  9. Write a 5000-word essay on which one of the Avengers you would most like to sleep with, and why.
  10. Go for a bike ride around the Tan. Make sure you wear a helmet with spikes on it so you are not harassed by plovers, magpies or children.
  11. Spend the morning on a 'Newsagent Crawl' (Go around to at least 10 newsagents and ask the person behind the counter to check how much credit you have left on your myki).
  12. Sit in a café for hours jotting down notes. People will think you're writing a novel.
  13. Take a flask to Edinburgh Gardens and get drunk under a tree.
  14. Start a Magic: The Gathering club.
  15. Sketch the tombstones in Melbourne General Cemetery.
  16. Play Destiny every moment of the day that you are not at work.
  17. Imagine that Seinfeld was set in Melbourne and then imagine how each episode would have been different.
  18. Form a Wu-Tang style Hip-Hop collaboration with the kids in your neighbourhood.
  19. Quit the collaboration then petition local parents to force its disbandment due to the misogynistic and violent content of the lyrics.
  20. Take to the nearest public basketball court wearing nothing but cut-off denim shorts and Reebok Pumps and challenge anyone who comes along to shirts-versus-skins mini tournament.
  21. Start a weekly YouTube cooking show where you and your sock puppet friend get high on painkillers, make macaroni and cheese and discuss new release movies.
  22. Create a playlist of your 500 favourite single-and-empowered songs, such as 'All The Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)' and 'Achy Breaky Heart.'
  23. Write a list of all the people you've ever hooked up with, then take a picture of it and post it to your Facebook wall (tag them if you're still Facey friends). Watch the hilarity ensue.
  24. Head two columns on a piece of paper 'cricket' and 'baseball' and think of as many differences between the two as you can. If you reach 1000, treat yourself to a Mars Bar.
  25. Head two columns on a piece of paper 'Beyoncé' and 'Rihanna' and think of as many differences between the two as you can. If you reach 1000, treat yourself to a Snickers.
  26. Do Chaps laps in the B-B-Barina with Tay-Swift blaring.
  27. Start a Maroon 5 tribute band. If you don't have enough friends for that, start an Adam Levine tribute act.
  28. Spend a day at Southern Cross Station impersonating Benedict Cumberbatch (if you're a man) or Cher (if you're a woman) and asking strangers to lend you money for the SkyBus.
  29. Join the Palmer United Party, just for the lolz.
  30. Upload a bunch of naked photos of yourself to your phone in the hope that someone will hack you and publish them online.
  31. Focus all your mental powers on one Big Brother contestant and attempt to control his or her actions telepathically.
  32. Take up Cross Fit and constantly post stuff about it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Reddit, MySpace, ICQ and Microsoft Messenger.
  33. Compete in the Cross Fit World Games.
  34. Invite everyone you know to a housewarming party for your parents even though they have lived in the same house for 27 years.
  35. Start a bikie gang called the 'T-Birds' and wage war on other bikie gangs for turf.
  36. Make up your own Mexican Sugar Skull design and get it tattooed on your neck.
  37. Deal with the pain of being single by touring suburban retirement villages presenting your solo interpretive dance performance of 'He's Just Not That Into You.'
  38. Show up at your married friends' places on random weeknights with a casserole and act as though they invited you to dinner. Each partner will assume the other asked you to come and you won't have to spend another evening alone eating cake mix.
  39. Learn Klingon and speak only it to your parents whenever they call you. When you see them in person act like you have no idea what they are talking about.
  40. Make a photo of you and your ex from five years ago your Facebook profile pic. Change your status from 'Single' to 'It's Complicated.'
  41. Allow Tinder to amplify your misery as you get rejected or creeped on by people you haven't even met yet.
  42. Truly embrace the Paleo diet by living in a cave and eating mostly roots, berries and insects.
  43. Do every one of the 'Which… are you?' quizzes on BuzzFeed. All of them.
  44. Create a feature wall dedicated to Will, Kate, George and (new baby) Jemima.
  45. Eat a kilo of Coon Tasty at the planetarium and wait for the cheese hallucinations to kick in.
  46. Tell everyone you're going 'into the wild' like Alexander Supertramp and then move into a caravan at the back of your parents' place.
  47. Go to each City of Melbourne library one by one and find any errors in their Dewey Decimal sorting. Report any errors found to the librarian.
  48. Attempt to finish every one of Jamie's 15 minute meals within the allotted 15 minutes. Tweet Jamie the results each time.
  49. Take to wearing a monocle and using a cane.
  50. Go on a date, fool!

TUL Note: Hailing from the 'Paris of the South,' Bundaberg, Dan Colasimone is back in Brisbane after spending the better part of a decade living overseas. He also writes about sport. He once completed an Arts degree. Twitter: @DanColasimone


Main Image Credit: Justify Sexy

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