38 Gifts Nobody Wants For Christmas

By Millie Lester
4th Dec 2017


Each and every year Christmas swings around and we are yet again faced with the impossible task of pretending to love the shit our rellies regift us in recycled wrapping paper (looking at you, Gran). But this year can be different, because we’ve put together a list of the most loathsome Chrissie presents imaginable, so you can flick it into the family group chat ASAP.

Because, in the words of our Lord and Saviour Mariah Carey,  all I want for Christmas is anything but an iTunes gift voucher.

Here are 38 gifts NOBODY wants for Christmas this year.

  1. Sexy undies from Gran.
  2. A prepaid face tattoo of Pauline Hanson.
  3. A collage of all of your old school photos, in ascending weight order.
  4. A box of the new recipe Barbecue Shapes.
  5. A packet of facial wax strips.
  6. A four-hour consultation at the Australian Church of Scientology.
  7. A two-litre tub of Homebrand SPF15+ sunscreen.
  8. A lifetime supply of caged eggs.
  9. A wildcard entry into next year’s Ironman World Championship.
  10. Plastic wine glasses.
  11. A coriander plant.
  12. A set of bathroom scales.
  13. One month of premium access to
  14. A home paternity test kit.
  15. ‘Total Body Transformation’ by Michelle Bridges.
  16. A monogrammed leather chequebook holder.
  17. An autographed picture of Mark Latham.
  18. Failure To Launch on video.
  19. An out of date tub of hummus.
  20. An expensive unscented candle.
  21. A copy of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ on DVD, with voice commentary by Donald Trump.
  22. An empty gas bottle.
  23. One ticket to a sold out Meatloaf concert.
  24. A single A4 page of spoilers from the next season of Game of Thrones.
  25. The NBN.
  26. A scratch ‘n sniff book about sexually transmitted infections.
  27. An inflatable Havaianas thong.
  28. A rain gauge.
  29. A Kate Spade iPhone 3S phone cover.
  30. A $100 ABC Shop gift voucher.
  31. A 40-pack of high-vis vests.
  32. $20 of Telstra pre-paid credit.
  33. 100 Habbo Hotel coins.
  34. The 2001 Guinness World Records book.
  35. The complete box set of Millionaire Hot Seat Australia.
  36. The Packed To The Rafters edition of Monopoly.
  37. A ten-foot Typo canvas print of the Eiffel Tower with the Statue of Liberty in the background.
  38. A CD-Rom of Touch Typing With Mavis Beacon for PC.

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