Brown bears hibernate through winter. Birds migrate in winter. Even polar bears embrace blubber in the lead up to winter.
We? Complain in winter, because bears and birds are collectively smarter than twenty decades of human advancement and technology.
Since we’re well and truly in the grips of winter, you might as well take this opportunity to stash some cash away for summer (or that week-long vacay you’ve been meaning to book for the last six months). Heaven knows the savings won’t happen when the sun’s out.
Here’s how to save this winter with the least amount of effort.
- Quit your job. You can’t spend money if you have none.
- Don’t eat before you go out. When you reach the bar, exclusively order tequila shots.
- Make a budget plan. Open up Excel spreadsheet. Budget for: food at home, snacks at home, food for brunch, food for lunch, food for dinner, and the fortnightly loss of your wallet at The Carlton Club.
- Tell all your friends you’ll only be eating at all-you-can-eat restaurants from now on. Follow them home. When their food baby is at its peak, ask if you can have their packet of Tim Tams.
- Delete Uber from your phone and cancel your gym membership. Instead, commit to running everywhere as your primary mode of transport. Exposure to rain, wind and/or frostbite is optimal for fat loss.
- Move your fridge into the backyard. Every time you want to snack you’ll be viciously attacked by Mother Nature.
- Call your mum and tell her you’ve contracted a temporary, semi-deadly strain of the flu and require weekly soup deliveries until the end of winter. Make sure to communicate the severity of your illness and impending, soup-deprived death.
- Buy the most expensive coffee machine on the market. When your friend asks about your savings plan, explain that you’ll earn back the money by 2032.
- Live off instant ramen. Pimp it up with these tips.
- Move to a tiny country town for winter. The smaller the population, the better (think: sub-500 humans).
- Take up day drinking. There are some serious happy hour bargains floating around Melbourne—like the Terminus Hotel’s $10 espresso martinis and South Of The Wall’s $12 margaritas.
- Every time it rains this winter, put a dollar in the rainy day jar. You’ll be rich by summer.
- Get Digit. The digital equivalent of your little sister stealing a fiver from your mums purse, Digit analyses your spending and saving habits, then sneakily AF stashes away an amount so miniscule—you won’t even notice it’s gone. Next minute, you’ve saved enough for that weekend away.
- Every time you add something to your online shopping basket, spray yourself in the face with water. Negative reinforcement works.
- Just don’t leave the house at all. It’s not worth it. The front door is an apple and you are Eve, and if I was your housemate, thou shant be allowed to return into warmth.
PSA: If you do opt to not leave the house, there's a truckload of binge watching for you to do...
Image credit: Kevin McCutcheon