Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
You're pretty much the only one in your group of mates who has kept to their new year's gym routine, so you're in peak condition as February arrives, which will be the best month of your year. Spend the last few days of January really toning those abs, holding those yoga poses for an extra second or two, and adding an extra kilometer to your morning run - everyone's noticing your new-found energy/rig and they're pretty freakin' jealous!
Where you need to go this week: If you're sick of that gym class you've been religiously attending, take your routine outdoors this weekend and check out one of Melbourne's best hikes. Then run it in world record time and gloat about your achievement on Monday morning as your co-workers lament yet another two-day hangover.
Whyyyyy is life so complicated, huh Pisces?! It'll all be easier if you roll over and do what other people say this week - so long as you get what you want out of it (a new-year promotion, a new pair of heels, a free dinner...), there's no harm in taking the easy route. Just make sure you don't end up going in reverse. Yes, Jupiter is in retrograde, but it doesn't mean you have to be too.
Where you need to go this week: Wherever anyone else tells you to.
This week, you're all about momentum, Aries, but you're not going to be running with the pack for much longer. Friday is set to be stress-central as you start to think about #1 (ie. your fine self) and your goals in the land of love. You're planning to be up ALL night to get lucky and who can blame you?! It's time to ditch those wingmen/ladies who aren't delivering and take romance into your own hands... Or the hands of a bottle of sauv blanc and a solo boogie.
Where you need to go this week: Honestly, we're tempted to say home and save yourself the embarrassment of that drunken pash on the dancefloor, but instead we'd recommend Captain Baxter, Cherry Bar, the LuWow... Basically anywhere you can throw some shapes and let loose.
Taurus, you're ALL about tough love this week. It's been a slow start to the year, and nothing frustrates you like being held back for no reason. Instead of blaming the human speedbumps who have been responsible for slowing you down (and God knows, there are a LOT of them...), ask them all the awkward questions, let them figure out their inadequacies for themselves, then go buy yourself that #bossbitch handbag or brand new watch before thinking twice about it. Then go burn the receipts before your finances take a turn in early Feb...
Where you need to go this week: Lavish yourself with one stand-out item from any of Flinders Lane's retail institutions - Incu, Christine's, Zambesi - and wear your purchase straight out of the store.
Saturn's moon is shifting to the east, indicating that you've had an absolute wow of a time so far this week. (You've got a filthy hangover, don't you?!) Continue with the merriment and your social life will reap the rewards, however your liver will not. Venus is no longer in your orbit, so cash-wise, you're in for a tough time, particularly around the 30th. Buckle up and don't splash the cash too much.
Where you need to go this week: Best to keep cheap and cheerful; this guide will make it easy.
If this week hasn't quite lived up to expectations, fear not - you're in for a cracking Saturday night. If you've had a recent love interest, take the leap and put your heart on the line - Neptune is backing you on this one. New opportunities look likely, so if your professional life takes an unexpected turn - go with it and ask for a cheeky pay rise while you're at it. The 29th looks to be glowing; make plans for Friday.
Where you need to go this week: With the prospect of love interests, a pay rise and an Epic Friday? Now's the time to check out one of these city bars.
If January has been a bit disappointing so far, so don't get your hopes up for any immediate change. Your moon isn't going anywhere fast, so it's looking like you'll just have to slog it out for a few more weeks. You're likely feeling a bit lack-lustre on the social front; we don't blame you. But Prince Charming is lurking near by, so get out and about shake that boot-ay. (Happn could also be a handy little tool at this retched time.) Eat well and treat yo' self to make up for the woeful cosmic pattern that's haunting you at the moment.
Where you need to go this week: Boogie away those January blues at one of these fun dance classes.
If everything feels like it's been falling into place for you recently, Virgo, hold on tight. The next seven days look to be turbulent as Jupiter shifts to the west. You might feel a bit frazzled, though there's a good chance that it is the result of a Tuesday public holiday - no one really knows if they're coming or going right now, do they?! If you've been on the receiving end of some old-school romance recently, open thy heart and listen, Neptune looks to be getting stronger for you. Take a risk if an investment opportunity arises - just don't put it all on black.
Where you need to go this week: Best to lay low in the coming days, preferably with a loved one. Why not take a coastal trip and gorge yourselves?
Your planets have stopped moving forward, and so have you after that public holiday of epic proportions / drinking / hooking up with that hottie from finance. Look, everything is going to be pretty stagnant this week, so why bother getting all dressed up (or dressed at all?) It's time to Netflix and chill - the outside is scary. And filled with motivated people. Blergh, they're the worst.
Where you need to go this week: Here are 7 Netflix docos you really need to see now. It's clearly more important than showering.
It's still the 'midnight of your year' in Scorpio world, but after last week's laziness it's time for some partying. After all, isn't midnight the time when all the really great, debaucherous stuff happens? YES, YES IT IS. Summer is waning, so it's time to take in your night time cosmic-feels and make like Leonardo DiCaprio: Is that a pick up line in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Get amongst it.
Where you need to go this week: Midnight doesn't last for long, and before you know it, it'll be morning. Get busy with the best places to pick up in Melbourne.
Mercury ended a three-week retrograde through Capricorn, and your second house of finances. Which means the universe has finally stopped fucking with your sweet, sweet cashflow. FINALLY. Lately you've been feeling like it's hard to stick to your budget (I mean, that $500 winter coat in January was an investment, really), but apparently it'll soon be raining dollas like you're Magic Mike on a hens cruise to Vegas. Put your hands out and feel the sweet, sweet love.
Where you need to go this week: Budgets be damned, it's time for a caviar facial.
Living large, hey Capricorn? Had a great week with money, did you? If you didn't, then today is your day: Buy a scratchie, win a million, then guard it in secrecy like some modern-day Gollum, repeatedly rocking back and forth naming it 'precious'. Well, once you're done with that, it's time to be selfish with your newfound fortune: Forget charity, just buy yourself a vintage Ferrari. You've had a hard 2015, so it's basically like charity, right?
Where you need to go this week: Is that wad of cash burning a hole in your pocket? Put on your finest threads, and treat yo'self to one of Melbourne's 5 best fine dining spots.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae