Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
It was your birthday this month. Or last month. Or something... What are we, your personal life forecaster? Jeez. Oh wait... Anyway, the best days for money this month are the 26th and 27th so maybe send those people who haven't given you your present yet this horoscope with a strongly worded message to adhere to the universe's requests to give you money. Or just start a ponzi scheme?
Where you need to go this week: You have cash to splash. It's time to live large at one of these places.
According to the stars, it’s tooooootally fine for you to demand a hot bae on your arm this week, Aquarius, even if you’re only into them for their looks. While you’ve been feeling all the feels for a special someone lately, Wednesday 20th is the day to make a physical move, so set the lighting low, crank up the Drake, and get ready to get busy. Hey, the sun’s DEMANDING that you explore your (or someone else’s) ‘personal pleasure peaks’! Now there’s a phrase I never thought I’d write.
Where you need to go this week: Head to one of Melbourne’s best rooftop bars and make like the most beautiful couple in town.
This month you are large and in charge, and there’s no better week to show everyone who’s boss. Prioritise things that make you happy - and I don’t mean red velvet cupcakes and espresso martinis. Focus on establishing yourself at work, but try not to piss too many people off while you’re at it. On Thursday 21st, you’ll find some cash you never knew you had. Pisces, is that a wad of $50 notes in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?!
Where you need to go this week: The first step to being a #bossbitch is good hair, so book in for that blow dry at a luxe salon, then get your flawless hands on a brand new diary if you haven’t already. We’re loving Mi Goals for stationery that tells it like it is.
While last week was all about lucking out in the love and money stakes, so this week you’re going to have to knuckle down and work your way through some tough career situations, especially over the weekend. Looking for a raise in reward for those extra hours? Apparently it will be ‘covert’ - which is totally astrological speak for ‘non-existent,’ - so you can stop dreaming about that ‘it’ bag and week in Bali, pronto. However, with Venus making you feel butterflies for people who sit a rung or two above you on the career ladder, now’s the perfect time for that fling with Rich in finance. Who knows… Maybe he’ll take you on that minibreak?
You kicked off 2016 with a bang – especially last week, when pretty much EVERY day was a good day for scoring some lovin’ – but this week you’ve got to kerb that partying and look after yourself. Set yourself a tight schedule of tea, napping and relying on your fam to look out for you - and maybe blame all of your financial woes on Mercury’s retrograde rather than that $200 bar tab you clocked up at the weekend?
Where you need to go this week: Pick up that gorgeous blanket you’ve been lusting after at Scout Home and bed down with a good book from one of these bookstores. It’s entirely acceptable to wear pyjamas all weekend.
You’ve begun your year with much of the sun’s energy in the social sector – basically, that just means you’ve been partying hard in the sun since January 1st. Jupiter’s moon has moved to the west, indicating that work this week is probably going to go to the dogs – best to throw a sickie for a few days. Or a week. And go back to partying in the sun. Love wise, you should ignore your head and swipe right at all costs, chances are it’ll pay off before Friday. Good news, the 23rd and 24th will be your best days this week – that’s Saturday and Sunday, who’d a thunk it?!
Where you need to go this week: When you're enthusiasm for nurturing your love life pays off, organise one of these great dates.
Mercury, your dominant planet has gone AWOL, so you might feel a bit distant and flat earlier in the week, but that could also be because it’s bloody hot and your brain no longer works. The 20th is supposed to be a cracking day for you, though don’t hold your breath because it’s widely known that Wednesdays can be a total drag. Got a love interest? If your flame is a Cancer or Aries, give them a wide, wide berth, they're probably up to no good. Money wise, splash the cash towards the end of the week, luck is coming your way in the near future (we’ll let you decide what 'near' means).
Where you need to go this week: Make the most of Wednesday and indulge in a spot of mid-week drinking at one of these top-notch dive bars.
You kicked of 2016 with your planetary power sitting in the Moon’s eastern quarter – you’ve had a bit of luck in love, recently haven’t you?! It’s looking like your purple patch is about to come to an end, so best lock one (anyone) down asap, so your summer flingin’ can continue. Mars has entered your orbit; try something new and take a few risks, especially when it comes to money. Stuff the savings account and have a great time because #sunsoutgunsout.
Where you need to go this week: Splash the cash and treat yo' self at this luxe, all-service salon.
Virgo, you stubborn little so-and-so - it's time to give a little extra and you’ll reap the rewards. Venus is throwing a lot of positive energy in to your orbit, so when a helping hand is outstretched, grab it and don’t let go. Party hard this weekend – the 22nd is set to be a blast, but don’t over do it on the moolah – we both know saving isn’t your strong point. The love stakes are looking sunny this week; don’t close yourself off to unexpected advances.
Where you need to go this week: With the potential for a long weekend, the fact that one of Melbourne's best sporting events is under way, and your Horror-Scope telling you to have a wow of a time, we suggest you check out the Australian Open Festival.
Until the 25th, 80% of your planets are moving forward. So maybe it's time for you to move forward too? Or just generally move? Off the couch? Look, basically the universe wants to help you, it feels a little sorry for you, and will support you in everything you do until the 25th. Unlike your parents who totally won't buy you that apartment you just really need to get into the property market before the age of 53. They're so selfish.
Where you need to go this week: Here are the best bars with wifi to get you started on that project. We're totally more supportive than your parents are.
Apparently after the 20th you're in the 'midnight of your year'. This may or may not be related to the fact you haven't actually done any activity for the last month and people legit think you've been hibernating like a bear who found 342 jars of peanut butter in a cave? Either way, it means night activities are prime time for your career - so get drunk with your boss and ask for a payrise! Or don't.
Where you need to go this week: Pick some bars to drink with your boss that are 100% not likely to turn into a bad situation. Like, maybe don't get a rum bowl at Luwow?
According to this horoscope book I’m holding right now, your most stressful day this week is Wednesday the 20th. But apparently that’s also the best day for love? Either this book is full of crap or it JUST REALLY GETS YOU. Your personal solar cycle is waxing, likely just to make you feel bad for how long it’s been since you’ve been to the beautician. I mean, if your solar cycle can wax regularly, you probably should too?
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae