Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Sick of working like a dog and seeing other people take all the credit? If you've been thinking about breaking away from your current job and going solo, now is the month to do it, Aquarius. Go out an a high by handing in your notice this Friday (your best day for the month!) and then never looking back... Just make sure you've got a plan in place - that wedding stylist gig or terrarium business won't materialise overnight.
Where you need to go this week: Get yourself to General Assembly for some serious up-skilling, then get designing that game-changing app that's gonna make you millions.
Ninety percent of the planets are moving in your direction, Pisces - which, given that there are eight planets, is precisely 7.2 planets. I have no idea how one fifth of a planet can be moving forward, but it doesn't reaaaalllly matter because it means good news for you with regards to love, cashola and general wellbeing. The only thing you need to look out for is accidentally trashing your technology - until Friday, put that coffee cup well away from your laptop, and make sure to keep an extra tight grip on your phone.
Where you need to go this week: Anywhere that isn't an Apple store.
Have you been ignoring that jaw pain, Aries, or pretending that knot in your back isn't bugging you? This week, start the new month by showing your body a little self-love - think warming herbal teas, that aromatherapy massage you've been craving since Christmas, and at least 8 hours sleep a night. Remember, health is wealth, people!
Where you need to go this week: Treating your body like it oughta be treated isn't a luxury, it's a bona fide necessity. Pick any one of Melbourne's best places to soak and steam, and dedicate a day to easing out those physical aches and pains.
If you're planning on minibreaking this weekend, Taurus, you'd better have booked refundable flights as travel is a no-go. You definitely can't afford it, and you're not going to escape from your troubles by having a booze-fuelled blow-out in another city. Instead, look for exotic foreigners on your doorstep - like, a fling with that hot French bartender who mans your local late-night drinks spot is going to be muuuuch more fun (and financially achievable) than a jet-lagged week in Paris.
Sluggish start to week, huh?! Chances are you're paying the price for all the good ol' fashioned fun you had at the end of January. Jupiter is entering your orbit, so we suggest you don't take that filthy hangover as a queue to slow down - simply keep calm and party on. If money woes are stinging you a bit, ignore them - things will get better towards the end of Feb. But beware of paywave; you're still paying for that round of espresso martinis, even when you just fling your credit card around.
Where you need to go this week: Treat yourself to an epic selection of espresso martinis at Treehouse Lounge.
Oh Gemini, Gemini, Gemini. You silly ol' duffer you. If you're feeling like you've made a few blundering life choices recently, fear not, help is on the way. Venus' movement is slowing so things should be less muddled soon. Surround yourself with good friends, and positive vibes. Or just don't come out of your bedroom until things get better? Your boss should understand, it's the universe's fault.
Where you need to go this week: Get a mani at this epic salon, you'll feel a million bucks.
Splash yo' cash, Cancer! All the stars have aligned and your love, money, career and friendships all look to be in a sunny patch. Make the most of the stellar stroke and take a few risks - chances are they'll pay off. The 4th is your brightest day this week, but be prepared for all the frivolities to come to an end towards the middle of Feb. Everything comes to an end eventually, Cancer. What did you expect??
Where you need to go this week: Go nuts and celebrate the Chinese New Year at this gem.
Feeling a bit lacklustre, Virgo? We're not surprised: you're moon has dipped, casting things into a bit of a shadow. If you've recently found yourself in a bit of a pickle, back yourself to pull out all the infamous Virgo stops to get life sorted. Your tenacity and organisation will pay off shortly, even if it feels like things are a bit dire at the moment. Single? Take a risk, there's someone that's had their eye on you for a while now and Friday just might bring a you a cheeky bit of fun. We said FUN, not marriage.
Where you need to go this week: Get out and about to clear your head on one of these hiking trails.
Look, normally you're the romatic type - but at the moment the planets are in your money house. And from the looks of things, you'd like a partner right now who HAS a money house. Amirite, Libra? Yeah, you know it. Your horoscope tells me you're turned on by wealth at the moment, but it also tells me that marriage is a terrible idea this year. Who would've thunk it: Marrying for money doesn't work out IRL? NEVER.
Where you need to go this week: Get your power suit on, and go shopping for a fling at Siglo.
Your best days for money this month are pretty much all this week - so it's time to start a new project and throw all that extra cash at it. To hell with your savings! I mean, it also says here that your most stressful days are the 7th and 8th, immediately following this week, which may be an omen - but all that is a problem for next-week-you. Sucker. Live for today! Carpe Diem! etc.
Where you need to go this week: Business Scorpio needs some new threads, and Marais is happy to oblige / take all your money.
Since the beginning of the year you've been in power mode: which means you've been steamrolling over others in the pursuit of independence. Thankfully, this horoscope is telling you to just keep going - because, let's be honest, when Saggo is unhappy, EVERYONE is unhappy. If it's time to make a change, now is the time. Jump! Unless you're standing on the edge of a cliff. Don't jump. We love you.
Where you need to go this week: Sick of adult-ing? C'mon, get happy with these pastimes for adults who are sick of adult-ing.
Your personal AND universal solar cycles are still in their growing phase, so why has your fringe not grown out yet? Come on, universe. On the upside, that means that it's the perfect time to start a new business. Perhaps a hair extension empire to rival Kylie Jenner? I mean, if she can do it, you can do it. She only has millions of dollars, a reality tv show, a famous family and perfect body. You're basically twins.
Where you need to go this week: Melbourne's best bars with wifi have your entrepreneurial back, gurl.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae