Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Amber De Luca-Tao
8th Aug 2017

Congrats on surviving yet another Monday. We’d give you a medal, if we weren’t so busy trying to make it to Friyay ourselves. We know you guys are a good bunch of eggs, so we're not sure why the Universe appears to have it in for you this week. But one thing's for sure: the Universe is keepin’ it oh so real.

We'll put you out of your misery. Here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.


Gems, this week it’s all about jumping on the bandwagon and just rollin’ with it. Yes, it's always easier to be the skeptic in the group, but we don't want that falling star to have exploded for nothing. It's time to let your inner bandwagoner shine.

Sushi pizza is trending right now and you need to get on that trend. Go on, be a devil.


Kind of like your gym attendance recently, things just don’t seem to be working out. But hey, that’s life. Thank your lucky stars Neptune didn’t collide with Venus this month, 'cause it could have been a whole lot worse. Better luck next week. Guess we'll be seeing you in the gym?

The gym's awesome, but so is our recipe to whip up delicious nutty chocolate bites. 


Your pessimistic side may beg to differ, but the Higher Powers want you to know that you really do deserve the best of the best. We're talking the works, 10,000 more followers on Insta, perfectly runny poachies...you know, the good things in life.

You're worthy of the Rolls Royce of brekkys, and lucky in Melbourne we’ve got multiple of those. Here's 11 of them.


So, here's the vir-dict. You guys have been way out of line these days. Just because your planets might be unaligned, that doesn’t mean you should be. As Uranus moves into your third house, it's time for you to quit playin' and get organised. Y'all have work to do.

Did you hear Memobottle’s got a new range? And if that's not enough inspo to get your life on track, we don't know what is.


You guys are always one to play it safe (not on the dating scene of course). But you really need to start living a little; you’re really starting to bore your stars. This week you’re stepping out of your comfort zone to experience the weird and the wonderful. It's a good thing you live in Melbourne.

Speaking of, did you hear beer yoga is a thing now? Of course it is.


It seems there’s a life crisis to be had at every age. This week, as Mercury picks up its pace, it's only a matter of time until you hit the infamous mid-life crisis. But seeing as this week is all about looking on the brighter side of life, it's time to realise that the quarter life crisis on the horizon is going to be great practice for your Britney Spears-esque breakdown.

Just to prepare you, here’s 29 things that will make you feel old AF.


Not that you should quit your day job, but with all of the text message (over)analysing and decoding you do, you could definitely be a detective for the CIA. Although the CIA doesn’t exactly have a divison for gossip… now there's an idea. But with Saturn moving into a period of retrograde this week, it's the perfect time for you to start looking at the more important things in life.

Here's a bunch of passive aggressive email responses you've probably already studied.


We've caught wind that you've been feeling kinda tense. You've been harbouring a lot of tension recently, and honestly, only Mars should be packing that much heat. Skip the chiropractor, it's time to have some fun and get loose in the process.

You’re in desperate need for a disco fever boogie (with a Shiraz in one hand... and one in the other, as well). It's a good thing that A Day On The Green is coming in December.


Heads up guys. No seriously listen up, this is big. There's an intergalactic tidal wave of negative energy entering your life this week. The good news is that it'll be done in a couple of days, but until then, Melbourne is officially your worst frenemy. 

We'd probably leaving town for a few days. We hear the drinking scene down in Bendigo is pretty rad.


Jupiter is changing its cycle this week and bringing with it a wave of new energy. That means you've got the green light to start changing some things up. A new hairstyle, a new wardrobe? A new Instagram account name? Things are pretty murky up there right now, so switch up with care. Life in limbo is dangerous.

Grab your pals. You deserve a weekend getaway. Will it be wine or food – or both?


As Neptune enters your House of Honesty this week, it's time for you to get real. It looks like all of those little white lies you've been telling might be coming back to bite you in the butt. Your mates might not be, but the Universe is certainly onto you.

Because we know you’re also a part-time wine snob, we know you’ll be in your element at the Pop-Up Wine Bar Wonderland.


Being an effective decision-maker has never been your strong suit, but don't worry, that's not something your Powers That Be hold against you, so you shouldn't either. This week as Earth picks up a new orbit, you'll be acquiring all the skills you need to be number one shot caller.

Deciding what's for lunch is never an easy feat, so the new massive foodie precinct coming to the CBD just made things a whole lot worse. And by worse, we mean better. Lunch will never be lame again.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

Get our top stories direct to your inbox.

Get our top stories direct to your inbox.

You May Also Like