They say that breaking up is hard to do. To my knowledge, it’s only hard to do when you’re not surrounded by lashings of alcohol and a friendly bartender. Whether you’re the one planning to sever the ties or the one expecting to be let off the hook, where you choose to part ways is a key ingredient to break-up proceedings. From the super-luxe to the down-right dingy, here are Melbourne’s best bars for break-ups.
Madame Brussels is the perfect place for an all-out tantrum of a break-up. You can guarantee you’ll be to scrumptious cocktails down before the conversation moves in a foreboding direction and, when it eventually does, the Fred Perry clad staff will do everything they can to calm the situation without disturbing this idyllic cocktail bar’s vibe. Nothing says, ‘You’ve just broken my heart’ quite like upturning an entire high tea cake-stand into your ex’s lap.
Borsch, Vodka and Tears
The name of this Windsor bar should be a universal three-step guide to letting your partner down. Grab a quick bowl of Borsch, Vodka and Tears' tasty broth—a handy way to avoid a full three courses that neither of you want to pay for—slam a vodka or two, and get down to some swift, teary break-up business. Sorted.
The name says it all, really. Heartbreaker is the perfect break-up spot for those who respond to life’s more challenging moments with hard liquor, pool and Motley Crue (if that’s you, welcome to the club). Not only is Heartbreaker’s neon glow particularly forgiving when it comes to mascara-stained make-up, the music is loud, the drinks are strong and the vibe is reckless. And if you’re not feeling particularly forgiving, why not just stab the offender straight through the heart with a snapped pool cue? I’m sure they deserve it.
This epic Fitzroy video game bar is full of distractions. Buy your soon-to-be-single significant other a bubble tea cocktail, challenge them to a game of Street Fighter, then casually drop in the, ‘You’re dumped,’ line, just as you Hadouken their character into smithereens. They should be so angry about getting beaten that the break-up will be entirely overlooked, leaving you to walk away from Pixel Alley, guilt-free.
Leonards House Of Love
The guys who run this place are all about good times, so even if you’re having the worst day of your life, you can guarantee that someone at Leonards House Of Love will bring a smile to your face after you’ve just been dumped, even if the smile is because you’ve just been handed a basket of loaded fries. There’s no irony lost on the name, either.
State Of Grace
If you’re looking for a secret get-away, State Of Grace is our top recommendation for a CBD break-up bar in Melbourne. Do the deed in the main bar, then excuse yourself to use the facilities and instead, escape to their hidden underground bar, Fall From Grace, through the bookcase next to the bathroom. Magic!
Smalls is an intimate one-room affair, which makes it the perfect venue for you drama queens (hint: it’s far easier to have all eyes on you when there are only 8 pairs in the room). Their no-nonsense menu and cocktail list should set the ‘I mean business’ tone right from the start of the evening, and when the time finally comes, you can guarantee that the ENTIRE room will be watching your emotional smackdown.
Nothing makes for a smoother break-up than a LOT of cheap, good rum. The windows of Richmond cocktail bar, Bar Economico, are also covered with newsprint, making it impossible for anyone walking by to recognise you from the street as you either crush your date’s heart or sob uncontrollably into your mojito. Win.
Smith Street bar Kent Street is the ideal cheap and cheerful break-up option. The staff here are awesome specimens of humanity, the drinks are cheap, and the ‘F*¢k it, I’m going to Kent Street’ mantra is the perfect answer to the fog of confusion that hits you when you finally realise that you’re freshly single. If you’re the dumper here, get it over with, leave as quickly as possible, and respect your ex’s rite to chat up whoever they spend the rest of the night drunkenly playing Jenga with.
Wait, you’ve been dumped already and you[‘re back on the dating scene? Get reading our article about 10 great Melbourne bars for first dates, pronto!
Image credit: Heartbreaker by Ariana Gillrie for The Urban List