Let’s be real—the last thing you want to know at 3am on a Saturday morning is where to find Melbourne’s best halloumi everything (any other hour of the day though—lay that sh*t on me), which is why we’ve put together a list of every best HSP artist in the city, because you and your thirteen tequila sunrises deserve it.
Here are the best creators of 3am saucy, meaty, cheesy chippies in Melbourne. (You’re gaddamn welcome).
The only to place to go after a raw night on Brunswick Street is Fitzroy North’s Oz Kebabs. On a scale of 1-to-glam, they’re a solid three, however they’re fresh, friendly, quick and pretty much always open, which is everything you want in an HSP stand.
This bad boy doesn’t even have seating, which is a sure-fire way of knowing the HSPs are gooood. In addition to serving top-shelf garlic and hot chilli sauce, you get a complimentary can of soft drink and a portion size that’ll put your mum’s spag bol servings to shame (and for only $12).
Because dreams really do come true, City Kebabs’ next door neighbour, Viva Kebabs, is also a kebab stand serving first-class snack packs (what a time to be alive). Here the HSPs are YUUGE (you literally can’t close the lid) and are only $15 with a drink. We highly recommend ordering the Holy Trinity of sauces with lamb, it is truly a religious experience.
Lambs On Richmond
These guys do have seating, which isn’t to say the HSPs aren’t good, however they do veer violently from tradition by serving them in pizza boxes. Aside from boxes, Lambs On Richmond's main unique selling point in their superbly cooked chippies which retain crunchiness well into the meal (*slow clap*). This HSP oasis is a little pricier than others, with the small size coming in at a cool tenner, however vegos rejoice for they can substitute meat with tabouli and jalapenos.
Do yourself a favour and grab an HSP from Brunswick’s Townhall Kebab, these guys certainly know their way around a chicken salt shaker. At $13 a snack pack (can of soft drink included), a 3am meal here is basically an investment. They also do a double dose of sauce, which basically makes them national heroes.
Take a seat because you’re about to get an education in meaty chip packs. Located between a car wash and a petrol station on Dandenong Road, Mums Kebab serves their hot chips BESIDE the meat so as to retain maximum crunch and to avoid a serious case of the soggies (which is the basis of almost every negative HSP review ever).
If value for money is as much of a turn-on for you as it is for us, then you’ll LURV Glen Waverley Kebab Thyme whose generous HSP serving will only set you back a measly ten buckeroonies. These guys are known for their balanced ingredient portions which ensure you get a slice of meat, chip, cheese and sauce with every bite.
This Altona North food truck is known for its well-seasoned and crunchy chippies as well as it’s flavoursome meat and ridiculously delish garlic sauce. Obviously all of these ingredients together make for a top-shelf 3am feast at Kurbside Kravings.
Hawthorn Grill & Kebab House
This clean-kept, quick service Hawthorn restaurant not only makes a mean HSP but also stocks a killer range of Turkish soft drink and is in a prime midnight munchies location, only a few minutes walk from Glenferrie station. Their crowd favourite is easily the mixed meat option which comes with some quite frankly insane chilli sauce. Definitely put the Hawthorn Grill & Kebab House on your must-eat HSP list.
Queen’s Kebabs’ worst critique to date is literally “it was SO big, the sauces sort of ran out halfway through’ because for only $15, you can get an HSP (and can of softie) the size of your head. Again, the chips retain the crunch, the meat is flavoursome, and in other news, this little kebab stand has it’s own speakers and mini dance floor so you can dance the night away.
Got a hankering for an HSP but don't want to leave the house? Learn how to make one here.
Image credit: Federica Portentoso at Flame'n Good