Funny

The Bachelor Week 6 + Power Rankings | A Dingo Stole M’Date Card

By Millie Lester - 01 Sep 2017

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Holiday season at the Drama Cabana has been and gone and all that’s left are six empty incubators and a comprehensive fertility calendar. Week six was yet another blind stumble down the path of female disempowerment, thanks to Matty’s firm humour ban, but the wombs remain optimistic (yet serious) that this former-Queensland-drug-lord-come-topless-TV-personality is everything they’ve been waiting and/or quit their job for.

Here’s what happened this week on Labia Minora The Explorer

Episode 11

In the wake of Mansion Mole, Jen, hightailing it out of the building at the end of last Thursday’s episode, the entire show has changed genre. Jen’s ten-minute monologues have since been replaced with montages of Simone punching herself in the face after not receiving a date card and footage of Elora schlepping around the mansion feeling sorry for herself and looking for flammable objects to juggle.

After the traditional pre-single date headcount, Laura’s name is read from the golden envelope and she quickly picks out an outfit that pairs nicely with a seatbelt. Matty eventually turns up in a sports car because he hasn’t got a f*cking clue about women or else he’d be turning up in a McNuggetmobile each week.

After getting no more than a “yeah cool alright cheers thanks a lot” vis-a-vis the Ferrari he didn’t organise himself, Matty punishes Laura by taking her to see a gypsy mind reader in a rotunda who forgets her lines halfway through and starts giving Matty unqualified dating advice. Now armed with the knowledge of how to make Laura pour her heart out on national telly (Gossips Merlot), Matty then drags her to an ‘observatorium’ where he presents Laura with a star bought by Channel Ten and Laura reacts as if Matty just remortgaged his house to pay for her lemon, lime & bitters.

After some ‘serious talk’ on a couch, Matty slips Laura a pash and a rose and she bites her lip because she read in a Girlfriend magazine fourteen years ago that it makes you look sexier.

Group Date

In a wild turn of events, Matty then stages a residual childhood trauma check under the guise of a ‘kids birthday party’. He explains the theme by announcing that, “What happens to you is the biggest part of what makes you today”, illustrating the importance of compulsory education.

Matty’s preliminary round of investigations turns up a ‘secret ranga’, while the second round discloses a vegan, the third reveals a pervert and the fourth a pathological liar. Before Matty can deem his psychoanalytical trial a success, all four are revealed to be Simone who explains that she’s really just a sweet girl with a keen eye for a ‘nice bulge’.

Matty is ecstatic because he’s just been informed by an assistant producer that he’s now got a plausible enough excuse to kick the second ‘exotic dancer’ to the curb without receiving angry Instagram DMs from fans. Elise then wins some eye contact time with Matty because he’s secretly in love with Phil and is just keeping her around until home visits when he can see him again.

Cocktail Party + Rose Ceremony

We then flash forward to the cocktail party where Simone is still adamant that the red hair is a result of a harsh Toaster filter and not a recessive genetic defect. Meanwhile, Matty takes Elora to the Seeky G where she momentarily forgets where she is and asks Matty if they can be exclusive.

Finally, the rose ceremony starts and everyone’s quietly confident that they’ve made the worst decision of their life coming on a show that celebrates archaic social structures and basically blacklists them from a professional career for five years Simone’s about to arabesque her way out of here. After Matty throws a few multi-vitamin laced fertility roses at his favourite wombs, he chucks Simone a wink and a pair of finger guns before tossing her in the back of a KIA Sportage with a copy of ‘Jamie’s 30-Minute Meal Recipes’ to pass on to her mother.

Episode 12

Single Date

Episode 12 opens with Lisa complaining about having no time with Matty and the stark realisation that maybe Channel Ten has called our bluff. It’s soon revealed that Flo will be going on a second single date and she wanders off in search of a perfume that doesn’t clash with petrol.

The date kicks off with a helicopter ride around Sydney because the only thing Matty wants more than a big love story is a big carbon footprint. Matty then spends the first half of the date telling the camera that if Flo cracks a joke he’s going to clock her in the schnoz.

Matty then uses some loose connection to the outdoors to explain why hand making ceramics is the second part of the date. After it’s been established that Matty has also once again used a one-on-one as an opportunity to prove he’s better at some obscure recreational hobby than a typical twenty-something woman, he tells Flo to drop the jokes and embrace her feels. Flo then attempts to explain that they haven’t had many serious conversations because that is literally not who she is, Matty then leans in, stares deep into her eyes and whispers “change”, before planting a pash on her, throwing her a rose and high fiving her for ‘connecting on a much deeper personal level’.

Group Date

We then move onto the group date where the budget is no more than $45 since Matty blew the kitty on a sixty-foot jumping castle last episode that they didn’t even use. This time the wombs are given A3 sized pieces of balsa wood to write their ‘fears’ on and Matty explains that there’s a firm 12 point font size maximum and stresses that all essay responses must be formal, in first person and ‘like, reaaally serious, girls. None of this ‘joke’ shit’.

While Lisa’s over on a park bench, scribbling on her block of wood, Matty approaches her for the first time in a month and asks her why she doesn’t love him yet. Lisa tries to explain that it’s hard for her to fall in love with someone over one set of tennis and a dip in the pool, especially because she really doesn’t enjoy talking about her feelings. Matty then says, “well, you better write ‘not getting a rose in episode 12’ on your block of wood, because you and your dead heart are on thin ice, Sharon” and storms off.

Osher then announces that Michael, who has an uncanny resemblance to cameraman number five, is a professional wood puncher and will show the girls how to punch their hollow pieces of balsa wood in half. Matty then says some shit about symbolism, Cobie then cries about past lovers who’ve wronged her and everyone bitch slaps a piece of craft wood.

Afterwards, Matty announces, after careful consideration and without disclosing his marking rubric, that Tara’s fear was the ‘best’, even though all seven of them were literally identical. Tara is bloody excited for her third round of humour conversion therapy and coincidentally also loves alfresco rooftop dining, so is all-in-all very pleased with the result, even though Matty is sucking the life out of her with each day that passes.

At the hotel, Tara changes into something that says, “I’m funny, but I’m also not allowed to be” before skulling a flute of champagne and stumbling up to the rooftop where she says, “phwooaaar, this is a bit ritzy aye?”. Meanwhile, Matty’s voice over says, “when Tara laughs, I can’t help but laugh, because little does she know that that laugh will be her last laugh”.

After some quick banter about Pad Thai, the talk takes a serious turn (quelle surprise) and Tara confesses that she can’t wait for home stays so her family can meet him and oogle his toosh. Meanwhile, Tara’s family are lamenting the opportunity to meet the man who is crushing her spirit and look forward to cooking him a steak before burning him at one.

Cocktail Party + Rose Ceremony

The cocktail party kicks off with the usual verbal fisticuffs over who’s going to ‘steal Matty for a few seconds’, except now that Jen’s gone no one actually does. The producers decide to plant some mild drama in the mix to spice things up a bit, because the old, “oi, tell Elora she’s the scum of the earth and the deny ever saying” doesn’t work on anyone anymore. This time they tell Elora to take Matty around the corner and give him a pash, to which Matty reacts with, “yeah, no, not here, love” and the next four minutes are dedicated to a monologue of Elora second guessing Matty’s feelings for her, overlaid with dramatic music not dissimilar to the soundtrack of Dunkirk. Meanwhile, Cobie gets a rose for writing the longest fear on her block of wood and the girls are all really happy for her because this is some f*cked up sh*t.

The rose ceremony kicks off and Lisa’s already crying because she knows it’s her. Slowly all of the wombs are given roses until only she and Elora remain. Elora is one snubbed kiss away from a full emotional breakdown, and Lisa’s about one minute away from physical and psychological freedom.

Matty finally calls out Elora’s name, she gifts him with a string of breathless thanks and the promise of a son, and Lisa sashays away into a Kia, forever the womb that could have been, would have been, should have been but now thankfully doesn’t have to be.

Power Rankings






Check out all of our Bachie coverage right here.

Image credit: Channel 10

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