You probably have an idealised image of how this year’s work Christmas party will go…
Your outfit will be on point, making you look effortlessly amazing – so much so that everyone will do a double take when you arrive. A few drinks in and your colleagues will realise how much of a cool cat you are once you’re outside the restrictive work environment. You’ll tell a few jokes to have the crowd eating out of the palm of your hand, before doing something just a bit zany that will become legendary around the office for years to come. If you’re single you might even make some serious headway with your work crush. Heck, a bit of the old giggity giggity may even be on the cards.
The thing is, it very rarely turns out that way.
Various elements, which we can put under the general umbrella of ‘drunkeness’, threaten to ruin your night, your reputation and perhaps even your career.
Here’s a quick checklist of things NOT to do at your work Christmas party. Print it out, take it with you, and refer to it throughout the night to ensure you still have a job next year.
- You know that thing that bothers you about your boss? Whether it’s the way he or she is a micromanager, or treats you like an idiot or makes you work longer hours than you should, the best time to bring it up is NOT at 11:30pm after your third Sambuca shot. Leaning in to within a few millimetres of your boss’s face and breathing your alcohol vapors all over them while loudly proclaiming, ‘I AM MORE SPECIAL THAN YOU KNOW’ will not help your work prospects, believe me.
- Don’t wear anything that will make people whisper, ‘what on Earth was s/he THINKING?’ behind your back.
- OK, this might be your only chance for a year to get to make some moves on that colleague you have been fantasising about since forever. I’m not saying don’t go for it, but you need to be VERY careful. Send a canary down the mineshaft before you start priming your explosives, so to speak. If your opening attempts at flirting fail, that’s not your cue to spend the next three hours angrily getting drunk before coming back for a second bite of the cherry and failing in a way that’s so pathetic you’ll never be able to look that person in the eye again.
- Don’t be that person who takes 200 photos and uploads them immediately to social media. You will ruin lives and cause everyone to hate your guts. Censor your photos when you’ve sobered up three days later and put up like four of the tamest ones.
- Steer clear of that thing famous stand-up comedians do where they make ‘edgy’ jokes that are actually pretty racist/sexist/homophobic/whatever. Repeat: Give this kind of humour a wide berth around work folk. You’ll sound less like Chris Rock and more like Pauline Hanson.
- Don’t do sex with any of your co-workers’ spouses. Unless you’re sure you can get away with it.
- Your best bet is not to be ‘that wacky, wild person’ at the Christmas party, but if you really HAVE to do something silly, make sure it doesn’t involve nudity. Past generations may have been able to pull that off without too much loss of dignity, but that was before every single person had a camera/video camera in their possession at all times.
- If you’re going to have hate sex with your boss, make sure it’s so depraved and humiliating for the both of you that neither will mention it ever again.
If you don't want to go to your work Christmas party AT ALL, get some tips from our article 8 Ways To Totally Avoid Christmas This Year!