Breakups are a nuisance for everyone. Forget the breakup-er and the breakup-ee, let’s think about their family, friends, workmates and distant high school acquaintances for a moment. Just like Ross and Rachel’s on-again off-again romance, there are times when we need a break too.
So next time you reach out for a comforting chat (for the third time today), try grabbing some of Melbourne’s best post-breakup food instead. After all, there’s no one holding you back now.
#1 Burgers at Fat Bob’s Bar and Grill
Tender, juicy and lathered in soft cheese, there’s nothing quite like a burger for a breakup cure. When you’re looking for a loner-friendly burger joint, detour to Fat Bob’s Bar and Grill – because although your dignity might have been M.I.A for the last few days, but you’re still a true blue foodie. Through your tears order a Fat Bob burger with a grass-fed beef patty, beetroot, tomato, Spanish onion, tasty cheese, bacon, pineapple, egg, cos and tomato sauce. Thou shan’t be crying for long.
#2 Loaded fries at Massive Wieners
There should be a minimum amount of fries prescribed to every person in post-breakup recovery, because then the world would be a much happier place. Massive Wieners in Prahran is dutifully doing their part with shoestring fries coated in warm gravy, stringy cheese and sharp onion. Their magical Disco Fries come in three sizes – little, average and massive, depending on the scale of your breakup of course.
#3 Pancakes at South of Johnston
Perpetually filled with laptops and the furious, tell-tale (read: desperate) clicking of keys, Collingwood’s South of Johnston is the perfect place to grab a table for one. Their pancakes come with poached strawberries, macadamia, coconut crumble and vanilla ice cream, or smoked bacon with real maple syrup. Talk about making more problems for yourself.
#4 Waffles at FAT Fried And Tasty
Featuring long, communal tables, waffles AND fried chicken, we can’t think of a better post-breakup spot than FAT for a well-deserved face stuffing. Think two pieces of fried chicken, a buttermilk waffle, vanilla ice cream and Canadian maple syrup. Pretty much, it’s three breakup foods in one. Pair it with an apple crumble shake to make it an awesome foursome.
#5 Ice cream at 7 Apples
Minus the hoards of gelato-starved Melburnians, 7 Apples’ permanent location on sunny Acland Street makes it the ultimate feel-good gelato store. Fererro Rocher? No worries. Dulce de Leche? Gotcha back. More of a passionfruit girl? Get a tub! Boasting fresh, artisanal gelato that won’t make your stomach protest after your third serve (pssh amateurs), 7 Apples will also deliver to your front door via Deliveroo for when you refuse to leave the house.
#6 Grilled blue cheese spud at The Last Jar
Take those bottled up feelings to The Last Jar, because meals don’t get any heartier than their baked spud with Cashel blue cheese, walnuts, sorrel and witlof salad. Creamy and warm with a king-hit of aromatic aged cheese - prop yourself up at the bar, or cosy up to the fireplace with this gem of a meal. When you can’t get a cuddle, this is the next best thing.
#7 Pizza at Lievita
Lievita gives patrons the unique opportunity to pay for their pizza by weight, weather you’re a pekish passerby or a hungry hound. In other words, you can literally choose to eat your weight in pizza (depending on how far along you are in breakup depression). Choose from the daily selection and watch the team at Lievita slice and dice your meal to order. Crispy on the sides with fluffy, hole-ridden middles, sit up at Lievita’s front window and enjoy.
#8 Hot chocolate from Mork Chocolate Brew House
Craving a blanket made out of hot choco and marshmallows? The Mork Chocolate Brew House has it, and if you ask nicely they might let you bring in an actual blankie. Featuring their famous handcrafted blends, Mork’s Campfire Chocolate is a smoky mix of rich chocolate, marshmallow and (na duh) smoke. No one can be sad with this theatrical drink.
#9 Soup from I Love Pho 264
You could visit anywhere on Victoria Street if you’re craving some soul-warming soup, but I Love Pho 264 has some of the best rich broths in Melbourne. Steaming with herbs, silky noodles and your favourite meat, if you’re desperate for a pick-me-up (and who isn’t these days), I Love Pho 264 is your spot. Their sliced beef is beautifully tender, but if you’re feeling adventurous (that’s the spirit!) go for their tripe or ox tail soup.
#10 Cocktails from Bomba Bar
Finding a bar that’s single-friendly (literally and figuratively) can be almost impossible in the CBD. Luckily, Bomba Bar’s rooftop railing overlooking one of the best views of Melbourne is a pretty perfect spot to nab solo. Order up a storm of cocktails (we like the Bosely with Bulleit Bourbon, Moscatel, Fig Jam, Lemon, Peychaud Bitters) and have a little romance with ‘lil old you (hah).
#11 Beer at Mountain Goat Brewery
Beer? Mountain Goat. Like the man or woman who just hightailed out of your life, Mountain Goat’s Hightail Ale is crafty and awfully addictive. Boasting a rich, well-rounded flavour with floral notes – settle in a corner with one of these cold ones for a night in which (when your pesky friends ask) really counts as a night out.
Planning a break up? We got your back: Here are the best bars to break up in (and then do a runner).
Photo credit: Michelle Jarni for The Urban List