After six weeks of watching a dozen micro influencers doused in eleventeen layers of Bondi Express tan smash lips, hurl fat slurs and collectively desecrate the relationship standards of an entire generation of young girls, we now eagerly await the crowning of Australia’s most dysfunctional king and queen. And who better to do it than our lord and saviour, Sophie Monk—an empowered modern woman unfettered by the antiquated gender roles of a bygone era, and a stone cold drunk.
Here are 27 thoughts we had during the Love Island Finale.
- The finale opens with this bizarre four-minute slow motion showreel of Sophie sl*t-dropping on Eden, and Grant combing his eyebrows while Tayla knocks down a Berocca in the bathroom and Erin tries to shank Amelia with an eyeliner pen.
- Sophie then takes centre stage over by the pool, double parked with a couple of raspberry UDLs, and surrounded by a flock of randoms that look like they were cherry picked straight off a Contiki tour bus on the main street of Mallorca.
- Sophie then plays a few ice-breaker games with the couples to loosen up the crowd a little and weasel out a few more lies from dirtbag Grant who’s sweating bullets that his real-world live-in girlfriend will bust out of a forty-tiered chocolate mud cake at any moment.
- We’re then treated to some pre-prepared footage of the three remaining couples enjoying mimosas and reading aloud a handful of pre-written haiku poems as the sun rises on their last day in a fully catered Spanish prison.
- Sophie then trips and shatters an entire tray of Coronas over Teddy’s lap and flops unconscious into the pool, bringing us all back to reality and into the present.
- Out of nowhere, the Irish voiceover fella then makes a Gossip Girl style reveal before debuting the music video to his new hit single titled ‘A six-minute recap of sordid villa affairs overlayed by my sweet Irish twang’.
- To celebrate their massive milestone of four weeks together, Sophie drags herself out of the pool and reveals that earlier in the day, the crew organised a Skype call between each of the happy couples and their parents, because flight prices to get them over here were f*cked.
- Basically it’s several minutes of low-quality convulsive crying, except for when Erin tells her mum to rack off and bring the dog out, Eden sobs into his man hands and Grant’s family ignore Tayla.
- Back at the pool, we’re reunited with Teddy and Mac, Mark and Millie, and Dom and Shelby, who just look relieved not to be back in gainful employment.
- And because daily “oi luv yew acshwally so much babe” sessions are apparently not enough, we then have to sit through three poorly constructed wedding ceremonies just so the couples can misarticulate a few more common turns of phrase.
- The voice over fella then drunk heckles his own Instagram handle from the nosebleed section.
- And after nearly an hour of senseless throwbacks to two weeks ago, Sophie then dries herself off in time to announce that Australia reckons Josh and Amelia’s love is a bloody sham not worth the Instagram caption it’s written in.
- In order to help us grieve their third place title, Josh gives us one more morose finale edition of Mr Roboto, that’s more disturbing than sexy, before Sophie extinguishes his and Amelia’s tiki torch with a Malibu soaked boob tube and screams “you are the weakest link, catchya!”.
- Their confusing departure now means that we’re left with two f*ck muppet couples that will tell the little girls watching today that love is either screaming at each other incessantly from separate levels of the house until you start laughing from the fragility of your own relationship OR cheating on a string of people who care about you until you find the right one.
- With fourteen minutes left to kill, Sophie then invites the happy couples to make another round of speeches to fill in some time and have a crack at debasing the English language once more for old time’s sake.
- Tayla takes this opportunity to compare herself and Grant to Romeo and Juliet who, spoiler alert, both kill themselves shortly after dating.
- Eden then says a few words about the kinds of meals he’ll be expecting Erin to learn outside of the villa, and how he likes his footy shorts ironed.
- With eight minutes left of airtime to go, Sophie then throws on footage of Erin and Eden’s greatest hits, which is sadly not the sixteen scenes of Kmart car park-esque vocal public domestics we bargained for.
- Grant and Tayla then get their own highlights reel, which is a cute little throwback to all those times Grant lied to Cass, and then to Tayla, and then to Cass again.
- After a short interpretive dance, Sophie then announces that the winners of Love Island are Grant and Tayla, because apparently Australia’s moral compass is absolutely f*cked.
- Eden and Erin are absolutely livid and basically break up on the spot.
- Meanwhile Grant’s pupils have turned into dollar signs and Tayla already has her foot in the door at Chadstone.
- But before anyone can spend a cent, Sophie yells “oi ya moles, this is Luv Orland, which means there’s bloody twist”.
- Offset, the crew quickly try to scrape together a last-minute plot twist in order to spice up was has basically been a skankier than normal episode of Playschool.
- Sophie then pulls a couple of envelopes out of her dacks and says that the full fifty-thou is in one and zero-thou is in the other, and the person who selects the envelope with the money can choose to either split it out of love, or bag the lot and run.
- Unfortunately for Tayla, she gets the cash envelope, which means she’ll have to be devastatingly let down by Grant some other day.
- Predictably and tragically, she chooses to split the prize money and, in lounge rooms all over the country, disenchanted feminists rise up from their couches, punch their tellies and go to bed with their hearts collectively bleeding as one for all the young girls who will wake up in the morning and throw themselves into Ashy Bines Bikini Body Challenges and ironing tutorials on YouTube.
Image credit: Love Island