Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Allira Sher
2nd Jul 2018


Ah, we meet again, friends. Glad to see you made it through last week. It looked grim for a lot of you. But guess what? We’ve just launched ourselves into a full moon. That usually means thing are about to get worse. Well, for most of you anyway…

As per usual, we’ve been waving our magic wands and rubbing crystal balls to generate your *accurate* weekly predictions. Buckle in and good luck.


You've shown immense strength lately, Aquarius. Things haven’t been going in your favour, and a lot of people have let you down. But this hasn’t affected your burning fire spirit, and we’re proud of you. In times of doubt keep reminding yourself that there always has to be a little rain for a big rainbow.


It’s really time to get your sh*t together, Pisces. Seriously. When was the last time you left the house? Or showered? Or dressed in anything except trackies and an old shirt? Try to practice some personal hygiene this week. Get yourself feeling and looking fresh and MAYBE that someone you’re constantly texting will want to see you in person.


You LOVE love Aries (aw, that’s nice). You’re a romantic. But take it from our black hearts—sometimes love isn’t worth it. If your significant other hasn’t been treating you well lately, or your crush hasn’t given you the time of day, cut the cord. We don’t want to catch you with a broken heart next week.


It’s unlike you to be needy, Taurus. But you have been needy lately, and it’s getting old. Distance makes the heart grow stronger. Be careful not to unleash your inner psycho (you do a damn good job of hiding it most of the time) because you may push your significant other in the wrong direction. Play it cool, babes. You got this.


Insecurity is a bitch, Gem. And lately you’ve been succumbing to it. This week, we want you to know that you’re beautiful. And that it's important for you to practice self-love. It’s the strongest and most important type of love in the world. If you love yourself, then no one else can touch you. Preach. 


Look, Cancer. You’ve been a bit of a jerk. You know what you’ve done, and you know how to fix it. We suggest you do so before someone important walks (or probably runs) out of your life. Don’t underestimate the power of an angry woman.


It’s time to trade the drink in your hand for a good book and a cup of tea, Leo. Not only are you killing your liver but you’re also destroying brain cells and getting dumber by the minute. Sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s better you hear it from us. If you want that job you’re going for in a couple of weeks, you need to tone it down a bit.


There’s no such thing as ‘playing hard to get’, Virgo. When someone is interested, they act interested. It’s as simple as that! (Shock horror, we know). Stop making excuses. If they don’t want to be with you then it’s their loss. We suggest moving onto something bigger and better this week.


You’re actually in the clear this week, Libra. Congratulations. Your head is well and truly on your shoulders and your personal relationships are stronger than ever. We’re sending you a virtual high five.


You need to sign up for next year’s series of Love Island, Scorps. Trust and thank us later.


Work is really getting the better of you, Sag. It’s not your fault. Your boss is mean and your workload is almost impossible. It’s been getting you down and making you grumpy, and we are sick of seeing it. Just breathe and do your best this week. Our sources see that it will be more than good enough.


The scales won’t change if you drink five nights a week and treat yourself to a hangover sesh at Maccas every Sunday, Cap. If you want to lose those few winter kilos, switch the wine for water and eat more veggies. A run here and there wouldn’t hurt, either.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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