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Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Allira Sher - 06 Aug 2018

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Happy August, guys! Ready for another dose of cold, cosmic justice? We’ve been working tirelessly with the wind and the rain and whatever other magic sh*t it takes to predict your future this week, and they’re not looking too bad (or are they...)

Here's what you're *really* in for this week. 

Aquarius

We see things getting a little tense for you this week, Aquarius, particularly in the workplace. Our advice? Remember to think before you act. You have a tendency to say things you don’t mean. Take a deep breath, sip chamomile tea (it’s calming) and think things through.

Pisces

God damn Pisces, it’s time to remove the stick from your butt. Did you know the more you frown, the more wrinkle lines you get? Yeah, it’s a thing, and you’ll be needing some serious botox if you don’t quit your Debby downer attitude. This week, if you have a problem, speak up.

Aries

One shot, two shots, three shots, floor. Everyone likes a booze sesh, Aries, but you’re beginning to take it too far. You’ve become that psycho chick crying at the bar and spewing in the gutter, and we can’t bear to watch anymore. Please, spare us (and the other 35 people who have to look after you) this weekend and stay indoors.

Taurus

Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall, Taurus, put your bloody phone down. You’re beginning to drive your family nuts. Delete your Insta app this week and look your mum in the eye. She gave you life. 

Gemini

It seems like your hard work is finally beginning to pay off, Gem. Good for you. We see nothing but positive vibes, good money and a lot of celebrating for you this week. Hip hip Hooraaaaaay.

Cancer

Ah, Cancer. You’ve been through a lot, but it looks like the stars have finally aligned for you. You go, girl! Whether it's love or work, we see a lot of freaking happiness for you this week.

Leo

You’re an out-there person, Leo, that’s great. You pride yourself on being knowledgeable and confident. Just be careful with how you express yourself this week. People may mistake your confidence for arrogance, and things won't go your way.

Virgo

Righto, Virgo. What’s with the foundation that’s been slapped 2cm thick on your face? It ain’t a good look. Try embracing your natural beauty this week. It’ll do your skin (and your clothes tbh) the world of good.

Libra

You’re used to taking the easy road, Libra. Yawn. There’s no fun in that. Step outside your comfort zone this week. We promise it’ll go in your favour.

Scorpio

Holy moly, Scorps. Your stress levels are through the roof, and it’s beginning to take a toll on your relationships. We’re here to tell you: whatever's going on right now will probably (not definitely) go in your favour. So chill out and un-knot your knickers before you drive everyone mad.

Sagittarius

We’re all about treating ourselves, Sag, and we understand it’s easy to put on a few kgs in winter, but you are now the junk food master. Want to swap those double fudge brownies for some quinoa? You might have more energy. 

Capricorn

Remember that everything happens for a reason, Cap. If something doesn’t go your way this week, take it in your stride and know that something better is coming. We promise.

Perhaps you’d like to drown your sorrows in some pink choccy

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