The day the taco emoji graced our iPhones late last year was a glorious one. People were finally able to express their love for the almighty taco through technology, but for all us hard-core taco fans, something more exciting was lurking in the shadows.
Readers, meet The Taco Cleanse—the tortilla-based diet proven to change your life. It’s alive, well, and might just be the answer to all your diet woes.
The concept was born when a team of “vegan taco scientists” (a.k.a. the best job EVER) ate tacos for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 30 days. Unlike most cleanses that leave you cranky and/or absolutely hating life, The Taco Cleanse promises to help hairless men grow beards, make women trying for a baby magically become “with child”, realign your chakras into “an optimal taco pattern” and boost your energy and mood (because how can you be sad when you’re eating tacos?).
According to its authors, “cleanses are the fucking worst” so they keep the rules of the cleanse super duper simple.
- Eat a taco for every meal.
- While their recipes are vegan, all the tacos you eat don’t have to be. You can make it work for you.
- A taco has only one fold.
- Tortillas must be flat, not bready.
- But waffles are the exception.
- A taco must be handheld and portable.
- A burrito is never, ever a taco.
This all sounded prett-ay awesome to me. So, being the taco-fiend that I am, it would only make sense for me to give The Taco Cleanse a go. Here’s what happened during my five-day Taco Cleanse. (And it’s probably not what you think.)
Yasss. Job, I love you. This is the only time in my life I will get to eat a breakfast taco and be paid for it, and y’know what? It. is. wonderful.
The night before I hit up the supey for a day’s worth of taco supplies: tortillas, eggs, bacon, veges, hot sauce etc etc. HOWEVER, that was all I needed because tomorrow, the taco king and queen of Auckland, Otis and Sarah Frizzell would be hooking me up with their revolutionary Lucky Taco kits.
This thought was top of mind when I munched through the lunchtime taco. I had put in too much salsa verde and sauce so it had gone soggy. I should have probably put the ingredients into containers and made them at work—hindsight is a bitch. Luckily, my epic winner winner chicken dinner tacos made up for it.
Verdict: Still 100 per cent amped.
The boyfriend whipped up a scrambled egg, salami and spinach taco before I went to the Frizzell household. I arrived, rambled about how great tacos are and then left with two Chipotle Chicken kits, two Sizzlin’s Steak and some of The Lucky Taco’s pink pickle. Yum in my tum—thanks, guys.
Dinner rolled round and I took over the kitchen (soz, flatties) in a taco-making frenzy. If anyone is looking to do The Taco Cleanse, remember this: The Lucky Taco’s Chipotle Chicken is perfect. You don’t need lashings of hot sauce or extra chilli. Learn from my mistakes. My face nearly burnt off. Thank goodness for that pink pickle.
Verdict: There’s an inferno in my belly.
I’m normally not a breakfast person but the whole breakfast taco thing was starting to change that. Oh, and it was Fatty Friday, which meant team lunch. My legend of a work squad chose a taco-friendly restaurant to dine at and I feasted on two Miss Clawdy tacos washed down with a beer—that’s the beauty of The Taco Cleanse—you can still drink.
Dinner wasn’t as joyous. I was meant to be going out but the restaurant didn’t have a taco in sight. Instead, I disgruntledly (they were actually delish) pre-loaded on two tacos beforehand. The rest of the meal was wine-centric.
Verdict: Tacos are taking over my life.
I should have started this cleanse on Monday. Saturdays are made for pastries, pancakes, and eggs on sourdough, not in a taco. Nonetheless, it’s taco time so I eat my signature egg, salami and spinach taco with a bit of cheese because it’s the freakin’ weekend.
Don’t ask me about lunch. I conveniently forgot about it. As for dinner, the Sizzlin’ Steak went down a treat.
Verdict: I’m nearly all taco-ed out.
Andddd my planning sucks. I’m heading to Queenstown today so this whole make-your-own-taco thing just ain’t gonna work. I shovelled in a breakfast taco and put together a lunch one for when I arrived.
On the plane, I took time to reflect on my taco cleansing experience. Do I feel chirpier? Possibly. Do I still like tacos? Yes, but we’re going to take a break for while. My bod needs some broc.
Verdict: Taco Cleanse, until we meet again.
Image credit: Epicurious