At this point, we can basically taste the finish line, and it smells a helluva lot like long-sleeved shirts, healthy emotional responses and respectful behaviour towards women. Right now, everyone’s about as loved up as they are chlorinated up and if Grant and Eden can’t stop snapping at each other, both of them should be put down. Honestly, think of the children.
Here are 26 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode opens with everyone wishing Teddy and Mac well on their quest to find love. Hopefully within an environment where someone like Grant doesn’t stand out as a top quality fella.
- Over at the barbecues, Grant ‘accidentally’ elbows Eden in the face and punches him in the kidney, which then sets off a string of about sixteen different irrational violent reactions.
- All of which stem from a combination of a deep-rooted fear of emotional expression, a small intellectual vocabulary and about sixteen rum and cokes.
- After reflecting upon his crippling emotional destruction, Grant has a teary in the diary room about not wanting to morph into The Hulk.
- Tayla then has a teary in the bedroom about wanting a man who can express his own emotions, not a boy who hands out wet willies like UberEATS vouchers at your local metropolitan train station.
- Over on the balcony, Eden’s telling people how Grant came over to him out of nowhere and set his shirt on fire.
- Amelia then returns to the barbecues with the news that Grant pissed off into the bushes and is sifting gravel in the crew car park.
- Tayla’s already halfway to livid that she has to rescue Grant from under a small Spanish car, but holy hecking hell she’s in HEELS for Christ’s sake.
- While she tries to have an adult conversation with him, he threatens her with a pasta strainer to back the hell off and go braid some bird’s hair.
- But somehow Tayla convinces Grant to gather his pebbles and head back to the villa where he asks Eden for a chat and gets about as much banter as a doormat.
- Eventually the two of them manage to navigate around the taboo subjects of thoughts, feelings and emotions to finally agree to sweep the whole kit and caboodle under the rug until one of them flips out again.
- Tayla and Grant then have a chat in the bathroom about being the strongest couple in the villa, and how they’re going to work together to tackle Grant’s pathological lying.
- In the morning, Shelby appears to get a text in the shower announcing that today’s crippling exercise of emotional trauma will be in the form of a lie detector test for the boys.
- Tragically, the girls take a minute together to prepare themselves for tragic heartbreak because, as sunstroked as they are, these women are fully aware that they’re all dating dirtbags.
- Basically what we find out from the lie detector test is that Josh reckons Amelia is the t*ts, Mark is a cheating mole, Dom came to the island for a root, Grant’s a snake but he does love Tayla, and Eden then ADMITS to having the hots for what’s in Millie’s box, which is then confirmed by the lie detector test.
- Erin then quickly pops out to get a sharp blade and to pop down a deposit for a burial plot before absolutely popping a gasket at Eden and trying to shank him with a pair of rusty tongs.
- Shelby and Dom then have a DnM on the beanbags about why he’s such a f*ck muppet.
- And Millie and Mark give each other a quick pep talk on the grassy knoll before the impending elimination ceremony.
- Sophie eventually swans in with red wine stains all over her baby blue romper and slurs a few lines about ‘Straya gonna getcha good’.
- After a quick stomach pump, she reveals that Australia has voted to keep Eden and Erin, Tayla and Grant, and Dom and Shelby safe, even though the latter currently have the chemistry of a sack of rags.
- Sophie then announces that the safe couples have to decide who’s packing their bags and Eden appoints himself the role of mediator even though he has the emotional capacity of a f*cking potato.
- And thank hecking hell the group chooses to send Mark and Millie home because brain cells literally bleed from my face every time either of them speaks.
- Grant then complains that them leaving is the most controversial thing he’s ever witnessed in his life as a cement layer and activewear brand designer.
- Tayla then calls her ‘Mil’, which is probably the most controversial thing that’s ever happened on Love Island.
- And, as usual, the true love story is revealed to be female friendship—the only thing worth six weeks of unpaid annual leave.
- Drunk off his t*ts, Grant then makes a wish under a shooting star for his sportswear brand to take off and for Eden to get rabies from one of the feral villa cats and die.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now