One of the worst parts about growing up and getting a really well-paying job that gives you three months paid annual leave, unlimited clothing expenses, and a BMW X5 is that you become more of a realist, but more importantly—you lose contact with old friends.
These are the people whose parents’ carpet you vomited on after the year ten formal, the people who drove you to Maccas after you failed your driving test for the third time, and the ones you swore you’d Skype with twice a week for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, at some point you’ll look back and realise that the last time you drunk called these people to say you loved them was when you smuggled a bottle of gin into arts ball four years ago.
Fortunately, we’ve put together a comprehensive guide to reconnecting with your old BFFs, (so you can tell them how rich you are now) that is applicable to various personality types.
*If you were sent this link by an ex-mate, or tagged in the Facebook post, head straight to #6.
1. For The Shy
So you’re a little nervy about making that first point of contact because it was definitely you who let the friendship deteriorate into a shrivelled husk all those years ago when you made new friends at uni who didn’t know about that time you got your stomach pumped, and you feel kinda bad about it.
In order to extend that first olive branch, you need to overcome that initial trepidation. The best way to do this is with two bottles of Gossips chardonnay, three-dozen vegetarian fried dumplings from Empress of China and a well-charged mobile phone. You’ll surprise yourself how confident you’ll be talking to people you haven’t seen for four years when you’ve got a few (nine) vinos under your belt, and the whole operation will only have cost you $17.
2. For The Sneaky
This strategy is based on lies, but what good friendship isn’t? To avoid looking too desperate, and more like a technology-illiterate gypsy, start a conversation with your ex-mate using the age-old ‘new phone who dis’ approach. The convo should go a little like this:
Bam. And this operation will only have cost you their trust and just a smidge of dignity.
3. For The Desperados
If for some reason your friends aren’t replying to your drunk texts or calls for tech support, don’t lose hope. Head to their Facebook profile and check their activity panel, are they attending any farmers’ markets soon? If so, go to them. Walk around a bit. Buy an orange juice. Clean your binoculars. If you spot them, run at them, knock them down for even more impact; it’ll be a great story to tell your other old friends when you do it to them next week.
And this operation will have only cost you a day of unpaid leave and your collarbone.
4. For The Crazies
You’ve tried everything, and no one’s throwing you a bone. That’s ok, there are still options. For example, they can’t ignore you if you turn up at their house, they especially can’t ignore you if you turn up at their house with their childr—ok my editor’s telling me to stop writing now.
5. For The Lazy
Email them the link to this article, or tag them in the Facebook post. This’ll cost you nothing, including effort. But whatever, it might work.
6. You Were Referred To This Post
So your friend didn’t have the guts to employ any of the previously mentioned flawless methods to reconnect with you, but they do really want to, that’s why they referred you to this post. Throw that dawg a bone, go for coffee, you could possibly regret it later because they may just spend the whole time talking about how rich they are, but you won’t know unless you go.
Image Credit: Gabby Stjernqvist for The Urban List