Funny

The Bachelor Episode 4 | A Game of Wombs

By Millie Lester - 04 Aug 2017

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Winter has well and truly come and we’re two weeks into the greatest love story of August 2017. Matty J has already kicked four wombs to the curb in his bid to find a suitable incubator and, with body clocks ticking and the twelfth moon in Virgo, all eighteen girls are successfully in the advanced stages of severe Cabin Fever and alcoholism.

Here’s what happened in episode four of How To Lose Any & All Short Term Career Prospects in 10 Days.

Single Date

The single date kicks off with Matty explaining in the voiceover that he’s 80% sure Cobie knows what animals are, which is why he chose to take her on a romantic horse ride. Cobie can’t seem to process the fact that she’s in the same paddock as a horse and looks visibly shocked that’s she not on a boat.

After they trot around for a bit and Matty tells the camera he’s sick of Cobie telling jokes and just wants to see her serious side, so basically wishes she has a completely different personality, he asks her to clean the horses because he wants the full deposit refunded so he can hire out a tennis court for him and Lisa later.

Once the horses have been hosed down like coal, Matty decides it’s time for a 'DnM'. Belinda the love coach has obviously told Matty that if he holds a woman’s hand it increases the likelihood of them smooching him because he has been hand holding up a storm this season.

Cobie confides in Matty that she hasn’t dated in two years because she doesn't want to get hurt, and that’s why she’s come on national television - for the emotional protection of two million gazing eyes and a ride on his boat (not his f*cking horse). She then proceeds to read him a poem she wrote that sounds a lot like a Savage Garden song, to which Matty responds with, “that was an extremely good poem” and pulls a rose out from under a rug, gives her a smooch and sends her back to The Caravan.

Group Date

Cobie returns from her single date and the peanut gallery prepare to give her the standard grilling: Tara will genuinely ask her how it went, Jen will steal one word from her single sentence reply and repeat it six times with strong sarcastic undertones, Sian will ask if she pashed him, Simone will say “j’st leave ‘er alone you giize”, and Leah will turn to the camera and say “I really just can’t condone that kind of behaviour from Simone, I hope she doesn’t win the next immunity challenge because I’m definitely writing her name down at tribal council tonight”.

Matty then appears out of nowhere and Sharlene says, ”ohmygosh I did not expect to see Matty today!! Shit, I just said words” which confirms that Matty spends the vast majority of his time conducting in-depth medical background checks and not playing with his eighteen girlfriends.

Osher announces to the wombs that the group date is a life-sized board game and the women flip their shit because it’s been six days since they left The Caravan, except for Cobie who washed a horse that morning.

It quickly becomes clear that the board game is just an excuse to flog Liz with banana cream pies because she obviously dissed Osher’s new crew cut at some point in the last few weeks and it’s time to make her pay. Michelle and her goblet of wine quickly get sent to jail where Osher asks her to explain the irony to the girls, to which she replies, “I’m a police”.

Cobie makes the controversial decision to decline a kiss from Matty in return for moving ahead three spaces. Steph then says, “I’d kiss ‘im aye” and the girls all turn to each other and ask, “are the camera crew allowed to talk during filming?”.

Meanwhile exchange student Flo is crushing the compatibility questions because they obviously paid extra for her, but it’s policewomb Michelle who takes out the gong. Apparently, her prize is a halfhearted hug and seventeen stink eyes, which probably could have been better if Matty wasn’t hanging people off the back of his Date Yacht every week.

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

Once again the epicentre of the episode’s drama centres around people disrespecting the rose ceremony lunch line, typically monitored by a munted Leah. In this episode, Cobie decides to cut Simone’s grass while she’s showing Matty her shaky hands because she wants to smack lips with Matty again. Jen feigns outrage, Sian copies her because that’s what the script says, and Leah takes it upon herself to stumble into The Caravan and demand that Cobie GTFO and ‘Cobes’ says, “nah mate, gimme a sec” and Leah says, “just so you know, all the girls out there want to cut your arms and legs off” and then zig zags out of the room to repeat the story four times to Jen who will call Cobie a hustler every time Laura makes eye contact with her.

It is at this point that Matty realises he has surrendered numerous months of income and his own public image to be locked in a caravan (for one hour a week) with a group of loosely screwed wombs who aren’t Georgia Love. But these are the things we do for 4pm radio slots.

Flash forward to the rose ceremony where Matty gives Lisa the seventh rose because the producers told him if did that he could ‘send the old one home’, which is where to say goodbye to [failed] love coach, Belinda, who unfortunately never had the opportunity to take Matty down the road to healing, via the ‘secret garden’.

Check out this week's Power Rankings right here.

Image credit: Channel 10

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