Australia’s new favourite brain cell sucker has only been screening for two days and already the country’s GDP is through the flaming floor. Osher’s raking in a six-figure salary for his four-second cameos, meanwhile Flo’s up to her eyeballs in shirtless lemons trying to tongue-punch her oesophagus with their meaty mouth flaps.
Welcome to another episode of Straight White Caucasian Anglo-Saxon Middle Class Australian Yobbo In Paradise.
Here are 41 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise.
- The episode opens with Tara, Lisa and Nina exfoliating each other’s side boob with the pulp from their sparkling mimosas.
- Over on the fellas’ side of the pool, Davey’s absolutely livid because Jake dogged the boys and stole his missus for a date even though he produced proof of purchase within fourteen business days.
- As far as he’s concerned, it’s game on mole.
- Meanwhile Davey, Brett and Keira are putting their heads together to calculate how many people are going home if there is one more guy than there are girls.
- Flo’s comparison shopping for boyfriends in a pool of hecking lemons.
- On one hand, Davey’s tried to dig his sea cucumber into every bloody crab hole on the beach.
- But then on the other hand, there’s this rumour floating around the island that Jake clocked an old man in the schnoz at a James Blunt concert in ‘08.
- He says those days are behind him though. He’s apparently not on the festering island of pheromones and Furphys for shits and giggles. No sir. He’s here for the free holiday and six year’s worth of obscure Facebook sunset cover photos.
- To give the poolside mathletes an absolute stroke, the producers then throw another fella into the mix.
- And it’s none other than Mr Double Delight Rose himself, complete with hay bale hair, sweat patches and the palpable air of a disgraced Big Brother contestant.
- He’s looking forward to his second chance at love, and a couple of well-paying HelloFresh ads that’ll fund his 2018 podcast, Double Delight Bros.
- Meanwhile, in another man-made body of water on the other side of the island, Flo’s trying to get smashed off half a bottle of Jacobs Creek Sparkling Trilogy and a couple of mangos.
- She’s salty AF that she came to the island to get away from the virile crotch swords of Melbourne’s clubbing scene, only to get a mouthful of the Gold Coast’s biggest sex pest.
- Back at the pool, the boys are telling Uncle Sam that his best chance of being cast as the fourth generation Nathan on Hi-5 is by telling Keira she’s a nice bit of crumpet
- Keira similarly wants to be an answer in a Take5 crossword, so she’s willing to take the bait for a bit of mutual back scratching.
- Flo gets back from her date and tells the girls that she’d let Jake babysit her Labraschnoodle, but as far as her lady bits are concerned, he’s got a toddler’s chance in Coles of planting his flag there.
- Tara the Bogan Toothfairy then nips around the island spreading joy to those who entered the competition under the false pretence that they were single.
- Meanwhile, Brett’s loving himself sick on annual leave in the tropics, he can’t wait for his girlfriend to see their sweet holiday digs.
- To add fuel to a flaccid flame, Osher pushes Laurina onto the set to spice things up a bit and she starts reading out Susan Boyle quotes from a monogrammed Kikki.K notebook.
- She then goes on to describe her ideal man, who is apparently a hybrid of Justin Trudeau, Roger Federer and Batman.
- The boys then ogle Lisa’s rig for a couple of minutes because let’s not forget why we’re all here – to find love, to see Jarrod get really sunburnt, to measure a person’s worth based on their appearance.
- Laurina then reveals her game plan for the ‘competition’, which is to initially judge a person on their looks, followed by their level of fertility, prowess on the dancefloor, ability to scale a vertical wall blindfolded with no hands, and then personality.
- So far, Jake’s diplomacy and topspin forehand are showing the most promise for Laurina, so she asks him on a single date where she’ll then make him take an MRI scan and a driving test
- Unfortunately, Channel 10 already blew their budget on preventative melanoma treatment for Jarrod, so the date involves Laurina and Jack hurling dirty beach mud at each other’s faces until one of them cries and becomes blind.
- It is during this tender moment of mutual vision impairment that Laurina confesses she has fallen in love in as little as four days before. Twice.
- Both times to a Chiko Roll.
- And consequently, she rates this date 6.2/10. Not enough ground cow’s ears and steamed cabbage.
- Meanwhile, back at the pool, Tara’s having a teary because she’s sick of everyone asking her to play Cluedo. She fucking HATES games.
- Brett is equally frustrated that people keep asking him to update his Facebook relationship status when he’s explained at least four times that, ‘banging a chick for a year but not texting her on her birthday’ is not option.
- Out of nowhere, OshKosh B’gosh swans onto set in his pastel blue Asos ladies’ power suit, no doubt sweating absolute bullets, and announces that he’s throwing a party.
- Anyone who doesn’t come will get a tongue thrashing from Marcia Hines.
- The girls take a hot second to rendezvous in the rotunda and decide who they’re sending home.
- Leah announces that she finds Mack to be a very comforting and positive presence. And also that she’s really happy with her recent personality transplant.
- And Flo is stress-drinking mimosas to mask the fact that there’s no one on this godforsaken island she’d do more than The Nutbush with.
- Osh’s Backyard Bush Doof kicks off and the girls rock up frocked up to meet the Queen, while the boys are dressed to smash a slab and shave their footy numbers into the back of their heads.
- Flo’s at her wit's end. She’s had about enough of being forced into conversation with hot single men and just wants to enjoy her time being filmed on the island in her smalls.
- She then announces that someone’s name’s just going to roll off her tongue at the rose ceremony. It could be Brett. It could be Davey. It could be Shannon Noll, no one knows.
- Finally, we reach the climactic ending of the episode where we remember that this is a dating show and not some fucked up version of Blue Water High.
- Most of Australia is already tucked up in bed playing Words with Friends and salvaging their Snap streaks, but the remaining half dozen are itching to see which of Flo’s boy toys is going back to a life of social media mediocrity and the occasional invite to the Melbourne Cup.
- After everyone’s paired off by body fat percentage and eyebrow density (Nina + Eden, Leah + Mack, Keira + Sam, Lisa + Luke, Laurina + Blake), it’s then up to Flo to cut a man bag free and pursue a platonic relationship with the one who’s least likely to get arrested at a Logies after party.
- In this case, it’s Jake because what the literal flaming heck, which means tonight we say WOT SOYA to Brett and Davey. May they RIP and enjoy a few extra thirsty babes in their Insta DMs tonight.
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Image credit: TenPlay