Clearly, we weren’t able to get enough signatures on our Change.org petition because sixteen goon sacks later, we’ve reached week four and this rabid dog still hasn’t been put down. So far there’s been about as much romance as there’s been clothing with sleeves, and we’re about as close to witnessing true love as we are to seeing Grant solve the gender pay gap.
Here are 35 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- Half the villa is still livid that Erin and Eden chose to give Justin the flick in favour of letting Jaxon The Misogynist ‘have a crack’ at the last two remaining birds.
- Straight out of a scene from White Chicks, Erin, Eden and Josh confront Tayla, Millie and Grant by the pool and start slagging off each other’s mothers in lieu of lobbing broken bottles.
- Eventually the boys get sick of throwing words and start throwing punches because, as our parents have always told us, a coward punch is always the answer.
- After some expletive-loaded heckling across the courtyard, the girls sit down in the bathroom and attempt to talk through their emotions and find a place of forgiveness without tearing each other’s tankinis to shreds.
- Meanwhile, in the hallway, Grant and Eden paper scissors rock to see who has to apologise.
- Over on the grassy knoll, Jaxon is trying the moves on Millie, which is basically a medley of ‘I work with children with disabilities’, ‘here’s a photo of my motorbike’ and ‘my face grows hair’.
- Millie tells him she’d rather wash her hair in Cass’ tears than spend another minute talking about the possibility of their bits touching under the doona.
- Then that night in bed, in a gesture that is the height of romance in the villa, Eden asks Erin to go ‘round with her, tells her ‘oi luv ya’ and promises to stop ogling Millie’s rack.
- In the morning, Eden and Josh compare southern cross back tatts on the grassy knoll.
- And Erin tells Cass that Eden wants to have her tiny potty-mouthed babies.
- Which of course makes her sob uncontrollably into her cereal.
- Cassidy’s brekky teary then prompts her to question whether what she and Dom has is real, or if he just sees her as a piece of meat that he’ll throw on the barbie if he runs out of Weetbix and poached chicken.
- Meanwhile in the bathroom, Dom is telling Josh that he wouldn’t touch her with a ten-foot tanning pole.
- Over at the pool, Franswahz cannot stop crying over Elias, who was one-hundred per cent a sociopath.
- A production assistant then chucks Erin a jar of self-raising flour and tells her make to the boys ‘do strong sh*t for the cameras’.
- And because conversation in the villa is light today, we’re then treated to a good six minutes of Erin and Eden canoodling by the barbecues.
- Over on the balcony, Jaxon is interrogating Millie over why she won’t entertain the idea of batter dipping his corn dog.
- Erin then gets a text telling the group to get into their most 9pm-appropriate crotchless budgie smugglers and have a crack at guessing what Australia thinks of them.
- The challenge is then revealed to be a pole-dance off because apparently the local rec centre didn’t have enough wickets to play non-stop cricket.
- After ten minutes of footage that should have the entire television network arrested and found culpable for lewd sex acts, we find out that Australia reckons Eden and Erin are pretty much MFEO, Mac and Josh aren’t, Grant is majorly punching and Cass believes she’s on Survivor, plus Grant’s a hundred per cent going to cheat on Tayla.
- All of them are SHOOK at the revelations, primarily because they’d all forgotten they were being filmed, let alone making sex tapes in the Sex Dungeon of Love upstairs.
- Back at the villa, Grant’s still salty that Australia reckons he’s a piece of sh*t and Tayla tells him if her parents reckons he’s a piece of sh*t too, she’ll drop him like a sack of sh*t.
- Meanwhile, Josh is feeling revitalised by his team’s pole dancing win and celebrates by dictating where and when Mac’s allowed to give birth.
- Meanwhile, Dom’s siphoning out Millie superannuation into his own savings fund after announcing that he knows what’s best for her.
- And also that he’s not attracted to Cassidy because she has emotions.
- Over in the shade, Franny’s giving Cassy a back scratch while listening to her complain about not getting her voice box tongue punched by Dom.
- Dom then personally tells her to stop leaving love notes in his jocks drawer and to back the hell off.
- The gang then gets a text that the villa’s throwing another one of those slow-mo Fanta parties.
- Meanwhile, over by the pool the villa’s newest islander is undercover as a rubbish DJ laying down Delta Goodrem remixes.
- Erin tells the girls that Eden said the L-word and Millie says yeah I reckon lipo would do wonders for your abs.
- Cass is crying and hyperventilating at the same time due to a combination of too many chardies and not enough lovin’.
- Josh then gets a text telling the islanders that their newest squeeze is already in the villa, and Dom pulls out a bloody toothbrush shiv, ready to shank the intruder.
- Jaxon immediately starts slagging off the new guy for being short because an extra fella in the villa means he has a -100% chance with any of the women.
- Meanwhile, Crazy Teddy has chosen Erin for a raunchy rendezvous on the balcony while Eden pops half a dozen blood vessels from below because he’s got little-to-no confidence that Erin can keep it in her pants for a seven-second conversation.
- The voice over guy then promises that Monday night’s episode will be an absolute pearler, even though we all sit down in front of the telly every night, expecting little more than sixty minutes of cleavage and insecure masculinity.
Catch up on the rest of the Love Island drahmz here.
Image credit: 9Now