The 7 Worst People You’ll Meet On Public Transport

By Catherine Blake
11th May 2017


The concept of an ordeal being ‘a means to an end’ has never been more pertinent than during the morning commute on public transport, especially when you’re forced to share a ride with these specimens.

#1 Alec, Who Is On A Very Important Phone Call

Alec spends his days trading futures and talking up his ‘huge’ weekend. He’s only 26 but that doesn’t stop him giving unsolicited career advice to people who outrank him on the corporate ladder. Alec wears RMs in the hopes of seeming as rugged as his stubble suggests but he’s never actually seen a horse up close. He’s riding the bus today because his license got suspended after a drink-driving incident on the Gold Coast last Christmas.

#2 Jemima, Who Thinks She’s The Only One With Somewhere To Be

Riding shotgun up the very front, Jemima likes to spend her commute checking her watch and shooting daggers at every new person boarding the bus for delaying departure just a few seconds more. She’s 40 minutes early for her first meeting but that’s not the point. In her spare time, Jemima likes to leave passive-aggressive Post-its in the work fridge and compose lengthy letters of complaint to her local member. She absolutely detests the Free Parking rule.

#3 Malcolm, Who Is Pretending To Read Remembrance Of Things Past

Malcolm wears Bose headphones around his neck as a fashion statement but he’s ‘not really into music’ and fancies himself as a young urban creative despite his day job as a bank teller. When he’s not smoldering at random women on public transport you can find Malcolm interpreting the most ordinary interactions with his local barista as thinly veiled sexual advances and haggling over the price of broccolini at his local greengrocer.

#4 Angelique, Who Is Taking Up A Whole Seat With Her Country Road Bag

Judging by the number of pockets on her blazer, Angelique is almost definitely the captain of three sports teams at her inner city private school. Four if you consider almost aggressive overachievement as a sport. Her parents left for a European jaunt this morning, which is why no one could drive her in. She bought her first go card twenty minutes ago.

#5 Troy, Who Treats The Bus Driver Like A Travel Agent

Troy’s identity crisis began this morning after he hit snooze on his fourth alarm. Halfway through a second bowl of Froot Loops he remembered the job interview his mum set up for him last week. Since then he’s been a frantic mess trying to find a t-shirt with sleeves and remembering where the nearest bus stop is. Despite having the journey planner app on his phone and almost 3GB of data left Troy insists on getting every possible travel route explained to him in meticulous detail by the driver of the first bus he flagged down.

#6 Nat, Who Is Inflicting Her Heavy Metal Playlist On The Entire Train Car

Besides a priceless collection of souvenir spoons, Nat also owns a pair of the hardest working earphones in Australia. The volume at which she is blasting Metallica has the rest of her fellow commuters equal parts ropable and genuinely concerned for her hearing. Years from now she’ll miss a private Pilates class to watch her youngest child perform at the Mariinsky Theatre at the behest of Russia’s most powerful oligarchs. 

#7 Trevor, Your Local MP Who's After Your Vote

Local party member, Trevor is just like the rest of us, alright?! Recently having been accused of using taxpayers' money to fund his most recent trip to the Maldives, Trevor is a man of the people, and loves nothing more than riding the bus/train to work if there's a potential photo op in it. Trevor makes sure he wears an ill-fitting suit jacket and a backpack over his shoulder when slumming it on public transport, to ensure he blends in seamlessly with his constituents.

Think these guys are bad? You'll find even worse at the footy...

Image credit: Hollywood

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