Sunday night’s episode of Keeping Up With The Philandering Molls was enough to make you want to sell your soul on eBay and set fire to yourself. So, naturally, we’re all chomping at the bit for another week of throwing our havvys at the telly and mouthing Dean on Instagram.
Here are 46 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.
- Dean’s pissed because yesterday he cheated on his wife Tracey and broke his pact with his prospective lover, Davina, and now he has to sleep on the good room futon.
- Thankfully this morning he has redeemed himself with half a dozen wilted chrysanthemums that he stole from the clearance shelf at Woolies.
- After last night’s commitment ceremony, Tracey has clearly gone back to her room and submitted ‘if he cheats on me but then cattle-prods my oyster ditch with his lap rocket, does he still love me?’ on Yahoo Answers and not liked the responses she has received.
- Nasser on the other hand is sweating bullets thinking about cohabitating with someone who has fallopian tubes.
- Meanwhile, John is pulling out all the stops to prove to Melissa that he’s a romantic. He’s even insisted on putting a piece of lettuce in a bread roll for her.
- If she plays her cards right, he may even let her choose the radio station on the way to the strip club later.
- John has literally just placed a single rose in a glass of water, which, according to Love Expert John’s calculations, puts Melissa in 37 years of romantic debt.
- If she doesn’t offer John a lifetime of servitude after this next mug of Passion Pop, she’s not giving 110% to The Experiment. And lord knows John deserves better.
- Seriously, f*ck the steps at Ryan’s house.
- This poor shrivelled up husk of a man has no idea how to process his feelings.
- He probably thinks his eyes are just sweating when he cries.
- Davina on the other hand cannot understand why Ryan is being so unreasonable about her hatching a plan to leave him high and dry on national television for the evil twin of Kronk from Emperor’s New Groove.
- Right now, she is grieving the loss of her other almost-husband, and Ryan can’t even give her a clean glass of bloody water or a red faux leather ottoman to rest cloven hooves on.
- In other news, Ryan has dropped more pearls of wisdom in the last fourteen seconds than all three ‘Love Experts’ have in five seasons.
- Actually, I think those are just Hilltop Hoods lyrics.
- Troy’s parents must have set fire to a petting zoo in a past life to deserve him as a child.
- Nothing says I’m here to give 110% like a plate mince and a death threat.
- I am literally retching at the lack of house pride in this episode. I’ll need to watch six hours of Grand Designs to forget what Troy’s bedroom looks like.
- Patrick and Charlene are the only sane people on this show.
- Mind you, Patrick’s mum looks like she could change that with one swift kick to Charlene’s jugular.
- Back at the Redemption Retreat, Dean is pulling out all the stops. He’s heard that Tracey has zero interest in skateboarding, so he’s decided to take her skateboarding.
- So far Troy has no redeeming qualities, and contrary to what Dolly Doctor has told him, no amount of grandma photos are going to convince a woman he’s a demigod in a Target polo shirt.
- His topspin forehand is average at best.
- I would rather eat raw mince off Troy’s kitchen floor than have him touch my back with his crusty banana hands.
- Meanwhile, Justin is proving to Carly just how serious he is about The Experiment by reading out laminated quotes he found on the back of Libra pads.
- Carly looks ready to neck him and run but eventually decides to stay because she’s so impressed by the white leather loveseat in the office foyer. Naht.
- My new favourite segment in the show is the part where Troy challenges Ash to sports he will inevitably lose.
- Okay, so a producer has flagged down a horse and cart on St Kilda Road, then John’s pulled out a bottle of Gossips Moscato and suddenly it’s the most romantic gesture Mel has ever received.
- He’ll going to announce that they’re on the way to the Crown Casino food court for dinner and she’ll probably have a stroke.
- When did the standard for romance get set below sea level?
- Probably when this show aired five years ago and three out-of-work Myer Fragrance Assistants starting pairing people up based on their eye colour.
- I feel like I’m being punished for every time I’ve fare evaded on public transport whenever I have to watch Troy and Ash.
- I am 6,000% sure Troy is an only child.
- Telv can literally not get through a sentence without reminding Sarah that they haven’t done the horizontal greased-weasel tango yet.
- A sure-fire way of finding diesel in your beer at dinner time is telling a woman what she can and can’t wear.
- Ryan is riding that buggy not only like he stole it but also like he has every intention of driving into the damn with Davina in it.
- Sometimes I completely forget about the ‘Love Experts’, until John pops up and quotes Coldplay or reads out the back of chip packet.
- Patrick’s mum has written off Charlene’s entire family because they’re related to someone who went on a reality TV show to find live. Talk about a flaming idiot calling a kettle black.
- If Dean raps to Tracey I’m surrendering my citizenship and moving to that town in Footloose where you get punished for dancing.
- Wait isn’t Visionz the name of that Australian electronics retailer?
- Hang on, no that’s Retravision. Which is still a better love story than Dean and Tracey.
- Omg I need to mute the telly, WHERE IS THE REMOTE.
- It’s like watching a 2007 audition for Australian Idol where the kid tells Andrew G he dropped out of school to pursue a career in music only for Mark Holden to laugh at his snapback.
- Meanwhile Tracy is lost for words because DEAN WROTE HER A 7 SECOND RAP THAT INCLUDED THE LYRIC ‘YOU MAKE ME CRAZY’.
- I’m sorry but I turned my TV off before Tracey could ‘drop bars’ because this is too much. I just can’t.
- Who the feck bred these humans and why aren’t they all in jail?
Image credit: Married at First Sight, Channel 9