51 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

By Millie Lester
27th Feb 2018

married at first sight episode 18

Well, the Love Mince has well and truly hit the fan this week on the Great Australian Fake Off. After Sunday night’s episode, we’re down one emotional cripple and a puppy killer, but are making up for it with enough Camembert scramble and sausage innuendo to sink an invisible luxury cruise ship. 

Meanwhile, the Love Experts have been busy making Lindsay Lohan picture collages on the back of Nutri-grain boxes.

Here are 51 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.

  1. As usual, the episode opens with a long hard jab at Dean’s failings as a husband, a man, and a human being when Tracey gifts him a boxset of self-help DVDs titled ‘How Not To Be A Flaming Tosser Every Second Of Every Day’’.
  2. Maybe he can pass it on to Nasser when he’s finished.
  3. Dean then has a teary and punches a wall before blaming Ryan and then thanking Tracey for grabbing him a loaf of Helga’s light rye from the shops.
  4. Tracey then tells the camera she put ratsak in Dean’s Up&Go this morning as part of phase 37b of his diabolical path to eternal redemption.
  5. Meanwhile, Carly is trying desperately to justify the childhood stuffed bear on her bed to a man whose every facet is a crippling disappointment.
  6. Has Piggy ever fabricated sea vessels and taken you on a hot date to a mediocre stationery cupboard? Not a bloody chance.
  7. Plus, he makes more moves in the bedroom.
  8. Over at Nasser’s Nest of No Touchies, Gabby is doing everything she can to convince him she’s not a dud root.
  9. Nasser, on the other hand, is doing everything he can to make his and Ryan’s secret trip to Wet’n’Wild next week as romantic as possible.
  10. Gabby has a semi-stroke when she finds out that Nass brought their wedding photo with him. 
  11. Nasser tells her to settle the feck down, it’s only because the frame clashed with the tea towels in his kitchen.
  12. We’re now onto the nightly segment of ‘Who the f*ck are these two?, and Whatsherface is sobbing over old Snapchat screenshots of Old Mate on her phone.
  13. We then skip to Troy in the kitchen with Ash and her sister. He’s learning about the discerning differences between major dairy products.
  14. While fixing himself up some mac’n’marge.
  15. Ash’s sister then makes a heartless joke about the devastating bushfires of 1983 that took the lives of 75 innocent people in Victoria and South Australia and Troy laughs so hard he has to leave the room.
  16. After a heartfelt chat with her pyromaniac sister, and maybe like eight mimosas, Ash decides to turn over a new leaf.
  17. Chances are Troy will feed her uncooked curried possum and chase her into a public toilet before the week is through.
  18. Meanwhile, John is explaining to Mel’s friends that feeling emotions is ‘for women’, he prefers to fill the crusty hole in his chest with ham and lettuce rolls made by anyone with a womb.
  19. In an alarming display of affection, Nasser has broken Gabby’s bed and is now trying to sue her for chronic back pain and haunted doors.
  20. Over at Charlene’s place, she’s explaining to her family that Patrick would be a nice bit of crumpet if he was born without a heart or a mouth.
  21. Charlene’s mum then explains to him in private that Charlene’s just a shit bloke he’ll have to put up with if he can’t find anyone else’s eggs to fertilise.
  22. Somehow one of the producers has convinced Gabby that putting Nass on a huge mammal will make him want to get hot and heavy later.
  23. Unfortunately, he’s just short and heavy with the core strength of a Maccas straw and a sense of adventure to match.
  24. Back at some random boat house in Perth, Dean is prepping for a catch up with Tracey’s gal pals.
  25. His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, Troy’s spaghetti.
  26. Tracey has now animorphed into an unrelenting sea eagle and is telling Dean her friends will probably bash him, steal his identity and frame him for torching a children’s hospital.
  27. Dean then yells at Tracey that she didn’t freestyle rap for him enough in the first week so he had to make arrangements to plant his cucumber in another lady’s veggie patch ffs!!!
  28. Back in Melbourne, Carly’s giving Justin a tour of things she doesn’t own and telling him if he doesn’t get a face tattoo of each one then it’s a dealbreaker.
  29. Right now, they’re at the Melbourne Star playing that game where the first person who speaks loses and has to buy the other a Frozen Coke.
  30. Both are VERY good at this game.
  31. Back in Brissie, Ash got fully inebriated at brunch and is now taking Troy to SeaWorld to drown him.
  32. Which is a refreshing change from the mass-casualty bushfires her and her sister light every ‘Ash Wednesday’.
  33. Hold up, this dolphin is freaking amazing. Holy shit.
  34. *Owen Wilson WOW*
  35. In all the excitement, Troy gets a bit disoriented and kisses the dolphin on the mouth and then strokes Ash’s fin.
  36. Later at lunch, he is still riding the high of the dolphin pash and announces out of nowhere that he’s moving to Brisbane.
  37. Ash then chokes on her curried possum and announces that she’s moving to Bangladesh.
  38. Meanwhile in Perth, Tracey and Dean are both wearing black in mourning of traditional gender roles.
  39. What’s black, red and a scumbag all over? Dickhead Dean.
  40. Tracey’s friends look like an eclectic band of thespians she met at a Chocoholics Anonymous meeting.
  41. We then have to endure the exact same conversation we see every episode: Dean: ‘Hi I’m Dean. I love Tracey, she is my world. Once upon a time I thought she was a sack of shit so I slid into her bff’s DMs. At the time, I was taking strong hallucinogens that I bought from a man called RYAN, so none of it was my fault. I have dedicated every day since to making it up to Stacey-I mean Tracey.’ Tracey: ‘Dw guys, I’ve been punishing him relentlessly for it, this morning he drank ratsak and I threw the iron in the tub while he was having a bath’.
  42. Over on the Mornington Peninsula, Mel has invited John to a sausage fest.
  43. She is ropable because John keeps making dick jokes and she just wants to enjoy a nice pork and fennel banger.
  44. Once John has stopped drawing the ‘Dick-tation’ tag in relish on his plate, he tells Mel that living more than 59 minutes from the city is a dealbreaker for him.
  45. He then adds that ‘fancy food’ is not really his ‘thing’. Apparently, he is more of an iceberg lettuce on Wonderwhite kind of man.
  46. How could a vineyard be anything but heaven on earth for anyone with a set of eyes and two taste buds to rub together?? RED FLAG, MEL, RED FLAG.
  47. Further along the coast, Telv and Sarah are sipping champaz on a REAL boat.
  48. Sarah is hinting at *maybe* taking her socks off and getting his rocks off later and Telv is saying all the right things.
  49. Until he jokes about date raping her. But, you, know, in a thoughtful and respectful way (??).
  50. The producers then throw together some strategically edited footage that insinuates Telv is now tickling her tummy from the inside.
  51. This is the most-watched TV show in the country right now. What a time to be alive.

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Image credit: Married at First Sight Channel 9

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