It’s the last episode of the week (thank f*ck) and already Australia’s happiness index has tanked through the floor thanks to six hours of pheromonal Instagram micro-influencers cutting the crotch out of their swimmers with nail scissors. While our hopes were high for any show hosted by Sophie Love-As-Deep-As-The-Ocean-Monk, it appears that we have finally found a worthy opponent for the shopping channel.
Here are 26 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode opens with some night vision footage of the couples spooning each other in bed as if their future children won’t later watch this on YouTube.
- And so far the biggest controversy of the morning is that Millie and Tash are wearing the same bloody bikini—kill me now.
- Millie’s still got the hots for John-James and is attempting to woo him with her anecdotes about mis-identifying common animals, which, if anything, has him concerned about whether she’s fit to drive.
- Meanwhile, Erin’s somehow braided her eyeliner into her hair.
- And Tash is having a crack at stealing John-James’ heart by telling him his star sign is crap and showing off the tattoo of HER OWN NAME along her bikini line.
- Cassidy then has a f*cking epiphany and tells Tayla that she’s blown the whole bloody game wide open and figured out that you have to be in a couple to stay on the show.
- I’m not sure if the sound guy is dropping Delta Goodrem anthems behind all of Justin’s dialogue intentionally, but holy heck it’s working.
- Justin then gets a text from a dyslexic production intern about an upcoming challenge called ‘copping a feel’ that sounds a lot like a lawsuit that’ll bankrupt any major network.
- The fellas quickly squeeze in some final minutes on the Ab Circle Pro so the ladies feel nothing but rock rolls when they’re coerced into groping their six packs.
- And then we’re forced to sit through seven minutes of limb grabbing while the boys pop a string of blood vessels attempting to maintain a flex.
- A unanimous fondle finds Justin to have the most deflated muscles, while Eden takes the gong for most years of education forfeited for increased body mass.
- Erin and Eden then have a chinwag by the pool about why they love about each other. Erin adores Eden’s washboard abs, nice hair and good banter. Whereas Eden loves her white teeth, nice face, big boobs and ‘personality’.
- Meanwhile Millie’s getting her crotch out on the deck chair in a bid to catch John-James’ attention. He’d rather talk about orphaned squirrels and Rolling In The Deep DJ remixes though.
- Behind them, Tash is in the pool doing her best survival backstroke to catch his eye, but Millie’s lady bits appear to have the upper hand.
- (What actual hecking hell is this show? I’ve already retched over my laptop six times).
- Charlie has also recently stumbled upon the entire premise of the show and is trying to bribe Tash with a fistful of Warheads in return for her unwavering allegiance.
- She says nah f*ck ya and goes back to cutting laps in the pool.
- Tarzan aka Elias is lifting weights on the grassy knoll while Josh tries to win back Tayla’s heart with inflammatory comments about her being perpetually alone.
- Tayla is swept off her feet because the year is 1854 and she has renounced her right to own land.
- It now appears that while everyone was in the bathroom crimping their hair, some Spanish slaves set up a bush doof on the deck.
- Mateo the roof cleaner suggests a game of truth or dare and Josh dares himself to kiss Tayla because he genuinely thinks they’re the rules of truth or dare and also because it’s the only way he’s going to get more than a handshake from anyone.
- Tash then ropes Josh and Grant into a D’n’M in the bedroom to complain about Darren the stray villa cat chewing her undies.
- Eden then gets a text telling him he’s won a romantic night in the granny flat next to the carpark with the woman of his choice.
- He and the boys spend the next six hours coming up with a special love gesture that includes a male-only guard of honour, a broken haiku, some rancid opera singing and a wet snog.
- He then drags Erin off to the shed in the backyard while a cameraman films them deep throating chocolate covered strawberries.
- Remember, every time you tune into Love Island, a female heart surgeon dies.
Catch up on all the Love Island drahmz here.
Image credit: 9Now