It’s the hump day equivalent of the Love Island week, and yes that phrase has a double meaning that’ll make you blow chunks on your plush bathrobe. This week is proving slightly more eventful than the steaming pile of autumnal bikinis that was last week, but in terms of quality viewing, I wouldn’t put it much higher than a Shaun The Sheep marathon.
Here are 25 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode opens with Fronswahz having an epiphany on the mezzanine about the beauty of nature and the insignificance of man. And how shit the new Instagram algorithm is.
- Tayla is out on the grassy knoll talking fanny flutters with Frannie who’s nodding politely every few seconds while Talya goes on about her nervous crotch.
- Meanwhile, John-James is having a crisis about whether or not Millie has the hots for his fresh tracks.
- And on the other side of the villa, Millie is crapping her dacks about whether or not she wasted her best animals rescue anecdotes on a dud.
- But he’s not fussed, instead, he brags about how quickly he can ‘bin a shit chick, just like that’, and now we’re all really excited to see him raise strong, healthy daughters.
- Riddle me this--WHY THE HECK HAS JOHN-JAMES BEEN WEARING A HAIR TIE ON HIS WRIST FOR THE PAST WEEK WHEN THE HAIR ON HIS HEAD IS SHORTER THAN HIS EYEBROWS??
- Elias has been really enjoying taking the piss out of everyone with Frannie, and while his heart may be set on her, he confesses that his man parts are still set on Kim.
- Someone in the production crew sends Erin a sext that says ‘P.S. grease up those face flaps coz you’re about to tongue-punch some taste buds in today’s challenge’.
- Naturally Erin’s polishing her nunchucks in the foyer, ready to smack the first b*tch who tries to plant a wet one on Eden’s face garden.
- The next twenty-two minutes is just a slow-mo montage of no less than thirty-six slippery pashes shared between a dozen adults in children’s bathers.
- Consent aside, Josh and John-James are bloody stoked because this is the most action they’ve received from Kim in the past week.
- The moment is suddenly shattered by a crude and insensitive comment fired at Cassidy from the Crapp Man who is more emotionally blind than Voldemort in the fourth book when he senselessly murders Cedric Diggory in cold blood.
- Cassidy is unanimously crowned the best face masher of the lot but doesn’t hear the announcement due to the steady flow of gushing tears coming out of her own face holes.
- Fortunately, in a house full of d*ckheads, one of them is a d*ckheart—our jungle man, Elias, who takes a hot minute to console a heartbroken Cassidy and attempt to inject a few drops of water into her eyeballs before she passes out from dehydration.
- Tayla then takes Grant to the bedroom to tell him he was an effing mole to poor Cass, who deserves an apology and a bloody box of tissues for gawdsakes, that girl is drowning in her own eye sweat.
- When confronted with the opportunity to talk to Grant alone, Cassidy goes full throttle and tells the Crapp man that he f*cked up big time and she feels sorry for the next girl who tries to tame his mole of a heart.
- Except Tayla, she’ll never feel sorry for her; that girl’s got the redeemable qualities of a rabies-riddled bin chicken.
- Over on the lawn, Elias is dry humping Kim under the guise of ‘yoga’
- Tayla then takes Grant out to the grassy knoll for some biccies and dip where he sobs into his Savoys about how no one’s ever done anything this nice for him before\
- Quite frankly I’m not overly surprised, especially after seeing him beat Cassidy half to death with ten years of chronic emotional anxiety. He’d be bloody lucky to get a wet willy from anyone.
- Sophie apparates out of nowhere for her bi-weekly seven second six-figure appearance and announces to the group that Australia’s getting antsy with the lack of drunken pool fights.
- Apparently this means that seventeen people participated in a vote on the official Love Island app last night that determined who has to pack their bags and get ready to be a whitening toothpaste brand ambassador.
- After a very long and drawn out process that heavily insinuates Tayla’s going home to hopefully get some bloody sense knocked into her, Sophie tells Kim to rack off home to the so-called son she never speaks about.
- The last half an hour of the episode is Grant and Tayla playing tonsil hockey by the pool while everyone has a heartfelt teary about Kim leaving to pursue a career in amateur radio hosting.
- Hopefully tomorrow night Millie can further expand on her views of the gross injustices happening on Manus Island under the ruling of our dispassionate government.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now