The Bachelor Week 7 | Fertile Is The New Black

By Millie Lester
8th Sep 2017


Episode 13

We’re only a week away from finding out which fertile womb Matty’s going to chain to his kitchen sink and the producers are pulling out all the stops to make sure he’s portrayed as a soulless schlep with washboard abs until the very end.

Here’s what happened this week on Thank God There’s Only One Week Left of This Shit.

Group Date

Episode thirteen opens at a random medieval mansion that could have been a portaloo for all the relevance it provided to the date. Osh-kosh-b’gosh swoops in and announces that he’s invented a new form of bullying which involves one person thinking they have a well-regarded personality trait and five other people telling them they don’t. After Matty gargles some shit about ‘finding out more about how you want to live your life’, Cobie announces that she absolutely loves James Blunt and Matty asks her to pack her things and GTFO.

During Osher’s torture game, we find out that Tara is the funniest, Flo is most honest, Elise gives a shit about other people, Cobie is a sociopath and Elora is a savage bitch who probably refills her Sunkist at Subway even though she only buys a medium drink.

The next mind game supposedly tests the wombs ‘compatibility with Matty’ when really it’s just a last ditch attempt to weasel out the wombs who plan on not destroying their baby makers in the short term. Matty throws an absolute curveball by revealing that he’d rather his partner lie and cheat than be barren and the wombs are blown away by his yuge moral compass.

In the last round, Osher forces Elise and Elora to write wedding vows and read them to Matty in the aisle of a chapel, but not at the same time because that would be some pretty messed up shit. Instead, the producers wheel out a sixty inch plasma screen TV and force the other wombs to watch their boyfriend marry not one but two other women in the next room because ethics went out the window the moment Leah caught a piglet and Jen threatened to ‘walk over’ anyone who stopped her finding the immunity idol.

After seven of the most painful minutes in the season to date, Matty tells Elora where she can stick her ‘lifetime of freedom and adventures’ and asks Elise and her ‘stable family of 3.7 children and a Cavoodle’ if she’d join him at a private James Blunt gig. Elise sticks a fork in her eye and hurls herself in front of an oncoming car.

Single Date

Probably the biggest revelation of the series so far is that Cobie has never seen a bicycle helmet in her life. After she recovers, Matty reveals that he’s organised a tree-top obstacle course for their date and Cobie announces that “I’m feckin’ terrified of heights m8” and Matty tells the camera, “I had no idea she was scared of heights. I hope she stops so it doesn’t ruin our date.”

After what is basically a twenty-minute ad for Vans, Matty takes Cobie to a surprise picnic that intern Jason set up for them during his lunch break. Matty then cracks open a couple of ciders and tells Cobie that while he tried really hard to feel some muster up some kind of sentiment towards her, he just couldn't find a single redeeming quality about her. After a cheeky wink and a pair of finger guns, Matty throws her in the back of KIA where Cobie tells Neil the cameraman that she “really wanted to be the one at the end, but you can’t fight fate”. Fate being an urgency to have four children in eighteen months.

Rose Ceremony

Back at the mansion, the girls are using complex equations to work out who’s going home tonight if there are six people in the house and only four roses. While Flo’s gone to fetch her Dutch counting stick, Osher arrives and reveals that Cobie never stood a chance once she made it quite clear she didn’t know how to wash a horse. The wombs feign horror because production assist, Gabby, is holding up an A3 piece of paper with ‘look shocked’ on it.

Five minutes later the rose ceremony is underway and Elora looks like she’s about to punch a wall. Osher finally confirms the girls’ suspicions that if there are five girls left in the competition and only four roses, then one person will not get a rose. Matty starts reading off names written on the back of his hand until it’s suddenly battle of the expatriates and only Elora and Flo are left. After a pregnant pause (his favourite), Matty remembers which one’s which and says, “sorry love, it’s nothing personal, your name’s just too similar to that other tall girl’s” and kicks Elora to the curb where she whispers, “we’ll always have the Date Yacht…”

Episode 14

Tara’s Family

Home visits are finally here and Matty can barely control his excitement because he’s about to see Phil again. Unfortunately, he has to meet Tara’s family first who will collectively tell no less than six jokes, but, like Matty said, “this is the shit you stomach for love”.

As it turns out, hell has frozen over for Matty because Tara has invited him to one of the happiest places on earth - Movie World - and he is about to get zero serious sides from Tara who’s been nagging him for a Frozen Coke and a packet of Maltesers for the last five minutes.

Later on, Tara takes Matty to her sister’s house where she’s paid three child actors to give her high fives and stroke her hair. Four-year-old Marley asks the couple if they’re in love and Matty says, “nah Marls, I’d rather gain thirty kilos and find out I’m sterile that spend the rest of my life with someone who won’t change their personality to suit me”. After meeting the family, brother Troy takes Matty out for a good ol’ tongue lashing on the deck where he basically says everything Australia’s thinking, short of “Lisa was the one, you’ve made a huge mistake”.

Afterwards, Tara and Matty play a bit of tonsil hockey in the driveway before Matty leaves to meet one of his other girlfriends’ families.

Flo’s Family

Ten minutes into his home visit with Flo, she mentions that her family couldn’t fly to Australia to meet him and Matty basically asks for his money back. You can actually see him mouthing ‘no deal’ to the producers. But Matty soldiers on through the date because if there’s anything we’ve learnt about Matty this season, it’s that he’s a wet blanket with a dream to host drive time radio and a deranged fixation on passing on his genetics.

Instead of the folks, Matty meets Marley and some other woman who never says anything. The night kicks off with Flo telling Matty to stop holding her hand, Marley telling him he’s only doing this for social media fame and the other woman walking out at half past seven and no one realising. After a grilling on the deck of a thirty metre infinity pool, Matty tells Marley there’s no bloody way in hell this house is hers and Australia applauds from their IKEA modular couches.

Elise’s Family

Matty arrives to his date with Elise frustrated that Phil’s not there. He’s also pissed off that the weather’s bad and can’t believe that Elise didn’t arrange for clear skies. Quite frankly he’s had a gutful of these insubordinate women but at least he’s seeing Phil soon.

Back at the house, Matty meets Marie, Phil’s wife, who he thinks is a bit of a pill. He tries to make small talk with her in the kitchen but she’s having none of his perfect-son-in-law facade and tells him to stop asking about her reproductive history. After dinner, Matty and Phil have a pash at the front door before he then squeezes Elise’s arm and shimmies out the door to meet one of his other girlfriends.

Laura’s Family

Back in Sydney, Laura is scratching the price tag off a three-legged rescue dog she just bought off a homeless man outside a 7-Eleven. Matty shows up on the beach and the two of them chat for a bit about how they live in a city with a population of over four million people but have never crossed paths.

Laura then takes Matty to meet her family where he spends most of the time telling Laura’s sister that he can’t tell her any answers, and then complains to the camera that there’s something Laura’s not telling him. After the family sesh, Matty tries to trick Laura into saying she loves him, but she’s only had three pinot gris so she’s not falling for that old trick. She then tells the camera that she’s definitely falling in love with Matty.

Rose Ceremony

All of a sudden we’re back at the mansion and a rose ceremony is in full swing. Osher comes out and explains to the wombs that there are four girls left in the house and only three roses which means one person is not getting a rose and will this be asked to leave. He then explains Matty’s current feelings vis-a-vis having to break up with one his girlfriends, because Matty’s too busy sending Snapchats to Phil in the bathroom.

Once Matty comes out, he stares at his feet for four minutes and then says, “Elise, Tara & Laura - shante, you stay. Florence, sashay away” and we wave goodbye to our last exchange student who is being forced to walk across a wet lawn in heels.

Power Rankings

Keep up with all the Bachie deets right here.

Image credit: Channel 10

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