In some ways, Tinder made it easier for people to meet people and become naked with them. In other ways it turned the internet into a vast human swamp of despair, full of social quicksand, conversational pitfalls and venomous Douche Snakes (careful, they bite).
You don’t have to be some sort of smooth-typing lothario to succeed on Tinder. There are no hard and fast rules about what you SHOULD do, but there are some pretty well-agreed-upon things you should stop doing. If you’re holding a fish while reading this, we’re talking to you.
Here are the worst mistakes you can make on Tinder.
- Having nothing but group shots in your profile. This isn’t a game of Where’s Wally.
- Using emoji in your bio. If you can’t turn thoughts into words with your brain, you shouldn’t be swimming in the gene pool.
- Posing with any of the following: your car, a gun, a big fish. What is it with all the fish...
- Gym selfies.
- Mirror selfies.
- Fake candid selfies. By definition, there is no such thing as a candid selfie.
- Using pics that are CLEARLY you and your ex. As flattering as it is to play ‘Insert Your Face Here’ and all...just no.
- Super liking someone. You come across as Super Alone.
- Starting convos with ‘Settle this argument for me...’ It’s not 2009. We’ve all danced this dance before.
- Unless you’re the actual Terminator and you have travelled back in time to assassinate the leader of a future human rebellion, take off the sunglasses.
- We shouldn’t have to say it, but save the dick pics for the second date. It’s called romance. Ask your grandparents.
- Writing something in your bio like ‘I get a lot of attention, so hit me with your best shot!’ (As Leonardo DiCaprio said in the seminal 2006 film Blood Diamond, 'Get over yourself, darling.')
- Using a pickup line that you got from The Game or any other pseudo-predatory dating guide. This isn’t Mind Control and you’re not Derren Brown
- Assuming that, just by typing the letters ‘DTF?’, your match will be so overcome with rampant sexual desire that they will immediately drop everything and drive to your house, probably with a chain of five condoms clenched in their teeth, purely for the purpose of having sex with you.
- Using Tinder as some sort of cash-free UberEATS. You know who you are.
- Describing yourself as an ‘entrepreneur’. Centrelink is not a ‘preneur’.
- Novel-length bios that begin with your conception and end with ‘...and that brings us up to now.’
- Saying things like ‘Don’t worry, I’m not a serial killer.’ That’s like the serial killer motto.
- Swiping right on Every. Single. Profile. It may boost your numbers, but it also boosts your Douche Quotient.
- Typing ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ and ‘r’ instead of ‘are’. A fairy dies every time you do this. More importantly, your chances of dying alone increase by 0.03%.
- Not posing with a dog. Removing dogs from your Tinder profile is like removing bait from a fishing hook.
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Image credit: Gabriella Bjorklund