Funny

10 Things Only Coeliacs Will Understand

By Kirsty Petrides - 06 Apr 2018


Life is definitely a little better for those with coeliac disease than it once was. The world has become a much more gluten-free friendly place, with plenty of options available for those allergic to the G-word.

However that doesn’t mean there aren’t still a few day-to-day gripes that people with coeliac disease inevitably have to deal with. Here are 10 things only coeliacs will understand.

1. How Good Freshly Baked Bread Smells

Seriously. A big loaf of sourdough, straight out the oven, all hot and toasty and smelling like a big hug. Then someone breaks the loaf open and the smell gets even more intense. And as they start spreading butter on it, the butter melts and oozes because the bread is still so warm—like a hug. And then it all gets too much and you have to leave the room because you might just cry.

2. Gluten-Free Does Not Automatically Mean Healthy

When you tell people you don’t eat gluten, it's often met with “oh you’re sooooooo healthy.” But here is a fun fact—removing the gluten from something doesn’t also remove the fat and sugar content. Gluten free cake? Same amount of sugar, same amount of butter, and same amount of oil as regular cake.

3. No, We Can’t Just Have ‘A Little’ Bit Of Gluten

It’s called coeliac DISEASE. If you met someone with lung disease, would you ask them why they can’t have just a little drag of your cigarette?

4. Yes, We Can Eat Rice

Maybe because rice is a carb, and people assume that all carbs contain gluten, coeliacs often get hit with the very shocked response of ‘OH MY GOD, you can eat rice?!’ Yes, yes we can. Load us up with all the rice, please!

5. Yes, We Can Also Eat Potatoes

Probably because of the same carb assumption as with rice. Potatoes are a vegetable, therefore no gluten. Give us all the potatoes. All of them.

6. The Heartache That Comes With Walking Past An Italian Restaurant.

Because the smells coming out of it are so damn good, but you know you cannot eat anything on the menu. Pizza. Pasta. Parmigiana. Gnocchi. All so delicious, and all off limits.

7. How Annoying The Risotto Rule Is

Sometimes you do find an Italian restaurant that offers risotto; however, for reasons unbeknownst to us (maybe because it takes longer to cook than other dishes?), they have a two/three/four person minimum to order it. You’re already the annoying gluten-free friend—you don’t want to be the annoying ‘YOU ALL MUST ORDER RISOTTO WITH ME!’ friend as well. So, it looks like you’ll be having a salad. Again.

8.  Salad Is Boring

I don’t care how much you spruce up those cucumber and tomato slices—when everyone else at the table is tucking in o spaghetti bolognese, mopping up the sauce with crusty bread; and you’re there shifting lettuce leaves around your plate, you will start having violent thoughts.

9. We Are Not Eliminating Gluten For fun

It’s not a choice. We’d much rather be eating all the delicious things with you—after all, what kind of person would unnecessarily omit garlic bread from their life? A monster, that’s who.

10. We Should Start Learning Italian, Pronto

Why? Because in Italy, if you have a medical condition that prohibits you from eating all their amazing things like bread, pizza and cannoli, it is viewed as a severe impediment on your life and you are eligible for a government subsidy. Yes, that’s right—the Italian government will give you money to compensate for the fact that your life does not have pasta in it. What a country. Bravo, Italia.

Luckily, there is loads of delicious gluten-free pizza in Perth to cheer you up.

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