We’ve officially clocked our last lap of the loony speedway and the end of this erotic nightmare is well and truly in sight. In fact, it’s only three effing days away. Inside the villa, things are really heating up. Technically four islanders have found love, Mark and Millie have found lust in a hopeless love, Dom and Shelby have found a dirty copy of the kama sutra, Amelia and Josh have found the spare Sodastream canister, and Kory, Teddy and Mac have all found out they’ve lost their Working With Children Checks.
Here are 32 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode resumes with Grant promising Tayla he’ll never say her sister’s ‘rootable’ again.
- Over on the grassy knoll, Millie tells Amelia to tell Mark to tell Millie that she’s hot AF.
- Out in the backyard, Erin’s hosting a game of hide and seek to pass the time between when she calls Millie a fat mole with small t*ts again.
- After a couple of Jagerbombs, Mark takes Millie out to the beanbags on the lawn and uses the Oprah-endorsed method of ‘The Secret’ to verbalise his desires to the universe.
- After a few minutes, Teddy appears with a platter of KFC chicken nuggets and Millie screams, “kiss me, Ketut!”.
- The sound guy then lays down a massive Delta Goodrem anthem and all of a sudden Millie and Mark are swapping spit and setting fire to a few fanny flutters.
- Seven seconds later, the two of them are in the bedroom giving each other wet willies when Mark asks Millie if she’ll sleep with him outside with the mozzies and she says, “only if you give me a back massage, fill up my water bottle and tell Erin she has the curves of a Maccas straw”.
- Across the room, Erin slags off Kory, Kory slags off Erin, and Eden tries to king hit him out of ‘chivalry’.
- Outside, Teddy gives Kory a cuddle and thanks him for standing up to the man on behalf of the little man.
- Amelia then takes Millie aside to tell her that she’s having doubts about whether she’s ready to let Josh see her wee.
- Later, Josh reassures her that he still thinks she’s as hot as the day she arrived.
- In the morning, Tayla asks Millie if she’s f*cking serious about Mark? “He’s the biggest bloody gumby in this place and I’m with a guy who’s a known pathological liar”.
- Out at the pool, Mark asks Millie what her last name is, which means things are getting serious for the young couple who, before this moment, knew nothing more than each other’s first name and teeth whitening shade.
- Josh gets bored of spreading unsubstantiated conspiracy theories and decides to host a synchronised swimming class in the pool because there’s sh*t all to do now that Cass isn’t here to slag off on the reg.
- Millie then takes Amelia up to the balcony and asks if she’s sure she wants to go around with a guy whose alter ego is a sexy robot with a limp.
- Amelia claims to be deep in lust with Mr Roboto and confesses that she’s waiting for him to ask her out, because apparently, feminism is not in vogue in 2018 Spain.
- Teddy then decides to confront Eden about being a sh*thead, to which he responds by mansplaining his own emotions back to him and offering him the use of his ‘real good looking parole shrink’.
- Over on the deck chairs, Mac explains to Millie which of the dud roots left she would rather sympathy smooch than smother in their sleep.
- And over at the barbecues, Kory cuts his losses and corners Mac in the backyard to ask her about her medical history and the diameter of her pelvis.
- Mark then gets a text telling the islanders that they’re going to get a very ‘healthy’ earful of Twitter trolls in today’s challenge, which will no doubt send Teddy into another self-esteem coma and have the whole of Australia on the edge of their lazy boys.
- Within a ten-minute window we find out that Millie’s on a porn site, Dom cried about not wanting a threesome, Erin sent dirty texts to Norman Reedus, Grant is a pathological liar who’s cheated on all of his girlfriends, Mac did a topless photoshoot, Eden has a girlfriend outside the villa, Shelby bedded five fellas on a five-day trip to Tassie, and Grant has a live-in girlfriend.
- Back at the villa, Grant blames Cassidy for everything bad said against him since 1996 and Eden vehemently denies having a girlfriend and makes a public death threat in the diary room to ‘whichever lousy b*tch is spreading these lies’.
- Millie then gets a text telling the islanders to turn on the crimper, because Sophie’s about to slim over for the last recoupling ceremony of the season.
- As everyone is getting ready, Millie admits she’s pretty thirsty to recouple with Mark so she doesn’t have to keep sleeping with the stray cats outside anymore.
- Shelby and Mac are contemplating whether to tear another couple apart for LOLs, circa Cassidy June 2018.
- Kory and Mark have a laugh about how they totally bagged the wrong birds last week.
- And over on the grassy knoll, Grant’s showing one of the feral cats how to lick its bum.
- All of a sudden Sophie swans in, reeking of Double Blacks, and announces that “wunna youse lot’s getting the boot, an’ yew can git your greasy mitts off me HelloFresh endorsement contract, ya pack a’ moles”.
- Predictably, Amelia chooses Josh, Tayla chooses Grant, Erin chooses Eden, Dom chooses Shelby, and Millie chooses Mark.
- It’s then up to Mac to decide who gets a second crack at finding traditional heteronormative love in the holiday rental, and she chooses Teddy, leaving Kory to pack his bags and give Eden the stink eye from the bathroom window.
- Sophie then tells the couples to prepare a small speech to convince Australia why the heck we should vote for them to stay in the villa and the running for the 50k.
- None of them are worth mentioning because they’re all monologues from Austin Powers, however it goes without saying that we’re all voting for Mac and Teddy because their ship name sounds the most like a delicious pasta dish.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now