With another Sunday night Sex & Tell Ceremony under our belts, and Nympho Trish working double shifts in her sex shop to pay off her HECS debt at the Melbourne Institute of Degrees That Aren’t Real, the penultimate week of Divorced At First Fight couldn’t come sooner for the 3 million Australians watching this shitshow.
At this point The Experiment has conclusively failed, the ‘science’ has been debunked and the ‘Experts’ are drunk off Premix King shot buckets and attempting to use the platform to produce softcore porn.
Disclaimer: MAFS is literally on four heckin’ days a week, and recapping just one episode sends my sleep (and sanity) down the preverbial fecking gurgler. So, like a packet of Furry Friends, I’ll finish two and then get Mum to lock the others in the garage for the sake of my health. However, this week’s string of ninety-minute cringe binges were particularly punch-myself-in-the-face inducing. So, have this double recap and, in return, karate kick Dean in the goolies and steal his snapback if you see him at Bondi.
Disclaimer from the Editor: We in no way endorse illegal behaviours like assault or theft.
Here are 45 thoughts we had during the last (two) episodes of Married At First Sight.
- We open with a montage of the couples scanning Atlantic salmon as kipfler potatoes at the supermarket self-checkouts as everyone prepares for their family lunches.
- There are no product placements because all the sponsors have pulled out since The Daily Mail published a [typo-riddled] claim that Australia’s average IQ has plummeted by 17% over the last month.
- It is their most accurate editorial to date.
- Gab and Nasser are having a domestic in the frozen foods aisle. He’s been livid ever since she conned him into seeing Paranormal Activity 5 by telling him it was a twilight viewing of Call Me By Your Name hosted by Ian Thorpe.
- Meanwhile Troy is trying to convince Ash that his mum’s favourite meal is al dente lamb chops with banana Ice Magic soaked in a gluten puree.
- He then graphically storyboards the sex dream he had about her mum eight nights in a row in crayon on the wall.
- There’s trouble in paradise over in apartment 6 where Sarah is giving Telv the silent treatment for breaking their Snap Streak.
- And across the hall Nasser’s ‘family’ has arrived, which is just Ryan in a wig and a flesh mask.
- Meanwhile, over at Justin and Carly’s boatshed, Nympho Trish has arrived with a tripod and a suitcase of leather bikinis.
- After turning her camcorder on and asking the couple to ‘remove everything but their shoelaces’, she then engages the ancient art of ‘Love Science’ by asking them to ‘gently explore each other’s nooks and crannies’ whilst blaring an audiobook of Fifty Shades Darker on her iPod Nano.
- Things are quickly going from bad to raw mince over at Ash’s family lunch where Troy’s mum is about to give herself cancer to avoid making a scene about her gluten intolerance.
- Once it comes to light that she’s a celiac, Troy literally laughs so hard he pisses himself and spills pinot gris all over Ash’s Supré spaghetti strap jumpsuit.
- In Sydney, Dean sedates Tracey with a horse tranquilizer and tells her mums that they are the strongest couple in The Experiment, both emotionally and lyrically.
- Dean’s friend Michelle then raises her bloody stump to announce that Dean uses disabled parking because according to him he’s ‘so hot it hurts’.
- Over at the local pub, John’s daughter makes a surprise appearance which prompts a celebratory round of ham and lettuce rolls ‘on him’.
- We’re then forced to relive that traumatic day in 2017 when John found out he wasn’t Polynesian, with two minutes of slow motion footage overlayed with a strong Clarendon filter.
- Back at Telv’s apartment, Sarah is audibly sobbing into a dirty toilet bowl while the Titanic soundtrack plays in the background and Telv dissects the latest episode of Border Control with her brothers at the dining table.
- The episode then basically concludes with Patrick’s mum Ruby telling Charlene she’s a fat moll with little-to-no career prospects.
- And Charlene’s mum nodding her head and shouting ‘hear, hear’.
- Tuesday night’s episode then opens with the revelation that Telv and Sarah are almost 24-hours into their filibuster domestic, with Telv showing no signs of taking any form of responsibility for the tiff.
- Mel’s husky voice-over then announce that the ‘Love Experts’ have ‘geniusly’ expanded The Experiment to include one-on-one sessions with direct family members after ground-breaking new research reveals that your relatives give a shit about who you make babies with.
- Mel and John are forced to meet up with each other’s daughters and the audience is forced to endure what is the most disturbing episode of First Dates on record.
- Patrick’s mum doesn’t drink coffee, only blood, so Charlene has to endure an obscurely metaphorical painting lesson while Ruby threatens to give her a hysterectomy in her sleep if she writes ‘stay’ on her Love Wallet this week.
- The camera then zooms in on Charlene’s canvas where her abstract graphical depiction of a violent apocalypse is coming along nicely.
- Meanwhile, instead of bonding with Carly’s mum, Justin is trying on fishnets at a lingerie store while flirting with the 70-year-old retail assistant, Irene.
- Nympho Trish is watching on from an unmarked Kia Carnival parked outside.
- Back at a budget TV set in the Channel 9 studios, John is playing wonderwall on a plastic kazoo in an effort to bring Sarah and Telv back together.
- The combination of chronic despair and the perfect key change reignites a mutual desire between Sarah and Telv to rekindle their love and GTFO of this weird AF situation.
- Back at the boatshed, Nympho Trish is pressuring Carly into sending nudes because she is a literal donkey.
- Justin is then reading her sexts out to Irene who promptly faints into a rack of nipple tassels.
- The scene then switches to Troy who is actively pursuing Ash’s mum by giving each of her physical attributes a rating out of 6.5.
- Meanwhile Ash is falling in love with Troy’s mum, Sue, who’s yet to make defamatory comments about her to the camera or attempt to kill her with food poisoning.
- Over in Sydney, Tracey is having all her fears confirmed by Dean’s friend, Stumpy, while maintaining that the revelations about him being a notorious clam-prodder make her feel ‘really confident’ about their future outside of ‘The Experiment’.
- On the other side of the river, Dean’s getting an absolute grilling from Tracey’s birth mum who is being absolutely unreasonable about his previous extramarital affair.
- She’s playing the ‘once a player, always a player’ card, while he’s playing the ‘cheating isn’t cheating until someone gets pregnant and I write a rap about it’ card.
- To shake things up a bit, the ‘Love Experts’ then separate the couples by gender, which is coincidentally the entire basis of their match making.
- Dean then says ‘lads’ about eleventeen-hundred times to compensate for his severely stunted vocabulary development.
- Carly announces to the girls that she caught Justin sending nudes to a woman called Irene and has kicked him out of the apartment.
- Justin then makes the same announcement to ‘the lads’ but insinuates that he initiated the split, because the entire four weeks have not been filmed and broadcast on national television.
- Dean is now weighing in on Telv’s relationship problems as he is a born-again monogamist with a wealth of successful relationship experience.
- He is also inebriated beyond belief and is sipping on a bottle of Worcestershire sauce.
- Dean: ‘Hand on your heart, has anyone had a crack at anyone else’s wife?’ Everyone: ‘No’ Dean: ‘Yeah, me either. Does anyone wanna bang their wife’s mum?’
- Patrick then stands up and announces that it’s wrong to call your wife’s mum a red hot hornbag, because apparently, he is the only one who wasn’t raised by wolves.
- The episode then ends with an irate Dean trying to trade his wife for seven Ghost Drops and a can of Pepsi Max.
- Happy International Women’s Day eve, Australia.
Image credit: Married at First Sight