60 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

By Millie Lester - 19 Feb 2018

2018 has already been an unprecedented year of love for Australians. We’ve seen the gay agenda successfully indoctrinated into modern society with over four-hundred same-sex couples tying the knot across the country (apocalypse pending), Meghan Markle give up her prolific acting career for the role of Prince Harry’s velvet man bag, and just this morning New Idea broke the news that Brad and Angelina are engaged! Little Baby Jesus, you HAVE been busy delivering miracles!

And, just when you thought you couldn’t pump any more romance into this big ol’ love tank, February kicked off with season 5 of Help, I’ve Been Paired With Someone Because We Have The Same Eye Colour & He Doesn’t Know How To Wash His Own Clothes, Get Me Out Of Here.

Here are 60 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.

  1. Shit, I keep forgetting to stalk season 1’s Alex and Zoe on Instagram. Their success is literally the only leg this show has left to stand on.
  2. Especially when their matchmaking love science has a -0.7% success rate.
  3. I swear to God the only qualifications these ‘Love Experts’ have are Hungry Jacks franchisee certificates.
  4. Actually, I’m probably underselling John, he 100% has a Certificate III in hairdressing and a license to operate a ski lift. 
  5. His advice is about as scattered as the Grey’s Anatomy season 14 storyline.
  6. Remember, kids—never judge a book by its cover, unless that cover was a 60 second Facebook video about how wives should go back to their original role of non-land-owning slaves. 
  7. Then you can kick that book in the throat.
  8. Dean seems like the kind of person who yells at servo attendants when he accidentally puts diesel in his Yaris.
  9. This is already too much drama for a Sunday night.
  10. Give me Belle Gibson on 60 Minutes trying to apologising for faking terminal cancer, not this two-timing love square.
  11. Honestly, this is already a better season of Love Island than the upcoming Australian version can ever be. Unless every female contestant is Sophie Monk. And every male contestant is Sophie Monk.
  12. Davina is such a savage, she can’t even register that the sickness she’s feeling in her stomach is from the guilt of destroying another woman’s life and not ‘being in love’.
  13. My favourite addition to this season is the rule that you have to stay together if your spouse wants you to. There’s nothing quite like making a mockery of the ‘sanctity of marriage’ WHILE ALSO perpetuating domestic abduction. You go, Channel Nine.
  14. There is literally no love between Jo and Shaun, just a whole lot of silence and IKEA furniture.
  15. It’s like Justin forgot he signed up for MAFS and has decided to play The Mole instead. I don’t think Carly’s actually seen him in like four days.
  16. There’s more chance of her being swept away at sea than by an impulsive display of passion from Justin.
  17. Troy on the other hand is treating the whole thing like an audition for Australia’s Next Top Knobhead.
  18. MAFS drinking game: every time someone refers to this shit show as ‘The Experiment’, do a shot of shower bleach and bang your head against a wall.
  19. ‘Something shifted in Dean last night’. Yes, John, Davina did. Great summation from a fifty-year-old ‘professional’.
  20. Dean now has a very difficult decision to make: should he go ahead with his thoroughly premeditated plan to cheat on his wife? 
  21. Or should he make more videos about how giving women the right to vote made them entitled spouses and complacent mothers? Porque no los dos, hey Deano.
  22. Meanwhile, Telv’s missus got a bit shirty that he had fourteen different dating apps on his phone. If the old bag had even taken the time to read any of the profiles, she’d see that a couple say ‘under offer’ on them. 
  23. Come on, Sarah, at least he’s not hatching a diabolical plan to steal another man’s wife while simultaneously ‘getting intimate’ with you. 
  24. Now it’s time for the commitment ceremonies. Every time a woman cries about giving up her job and kids for eight weeks to find love, a Golden Retriever puppy somewhere dies.
  25. Sarah doesn’t seem too phased by Telv’s cyber promiscuity, they’ve decided to kick on for another week. 
  26. Meanwhile Troy appears to be reading out Ash’s eulogy.
  27. He seems like the kind of guy who takes bereavement leave when he runs out of coffee at home.
  28. The ‘Love Experts’ are being paid a heinous amount of money to nod at six second increments and ask strangers if they’ve ‘engaged in coitus’.
  29. Sorry John, but Ash’s depiction of Troy’s attempt at kissing her sounds more like a recount of domestic assault than a ‘real effort at igniting a physical connection’.
  30. Aaaand Stockholm Syndrome has taken its first victim—Ash has decided to stay another week.
  31. Gab and Nasser show potential, but still have about as much chemistry as long-life milk and a potato salad.
  32. Jo is gearing up to tear strips off Sean. He’s going to get an absolute grilling from the boys on the group chat tonight.
  33. Jo: “I need to know why you paired us together.” Love Experts: “Well. You’re fifty something, he’s fifty something. You both drive a car, you both know someone who has a sister and when you were born you had the same eye colour.”
  34. Jo wants to know if they have a Plan B for her back in the lab. The ‘Love Experts’ are laughing because there is no lab, just a sandpit, some butchers paper and a packet of textas.
  35. Honestly, who are Sean and Blair?
  36. So far Patrick and Charlene are leading the competition, with a strong brother-sister bond.
  37. Justin and Carly on the other hand are giving off a strong ‘Justin is refusing to pay rent this week because he was away on a boys trip to Bali’ vibe.
  39. The desperation in the room is palpable. Everyone’s choosing to drown themselves in these wet blankets because apparently there’s literally nothing worse than not having a date to the new Fifty Shades Of Grey movie.
  40. Melissa doesn’t look too rattled by the fact that John isn’t Polynesian.
  41. He is definitely the type of guy who forgets your birthday and then draws a love heart on a piece of toast in barbeque sauce and can’t understand why you’re still ropable.
  42. I have all the time in the world for Melissa, I bet she brings cob loaves to parties.
  43. This entire episode is just an adults only show and tell where the ‘Love Experts’ talk about sex without explicitly saying the word.
  44. “Have you two, ah, batter-dipped the old corn dog? Did you bring an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house? How’d you go cleaning the cobwebs with the womb broom?”
  45. “Ah yes, John, last night we were intimate.”
  46. “I told you they were schnoodlypooping, Trish!!”
  47. Dean literally traced ‘I want you’ with his tongue on Davina’s earlobe eleventeen times and then got his rocks off with Tracy back at the love shack in the space of an hour..
  49. Dean is now pulling a Burger Ring out of his pocket and claiming he never licked Davina’s earlobe, not bloody once.
  50. Meanwhile the peanut gallery has erupted with protests from protective male figures who were complaining earlier that their wives don’t cook a good enough lamb roast.
  51. Tracy: “Hey John, can we have a private chat?” John: “Ok guys, we’ve just had a brainwave—why don’t you go and have a private chat?”
  52. Devina definitely stole lunch orders from the lunch order box at school.
  53. Poor Ryan is definitely going to rage cry in the shower when he gets home.
  54. He’s pretending that he’s not upset because that’s what the patriarchy told him to do, but the pool lil’ fella wants a teary more than a Chiko Roll right now.
  55. Damn Davina’s eyeliner is good.
  56. Love Experts: Wow. How shit do you feel right now, Ryan? Can’t believe you have to spend another week with this soulless wench lol.
  57. Tracey is 100% going to choose to stay and I am 100% going to-fly kick my television.
  58. TRACEY NOOO *Kath Day-Knight ugly cry*.
  59. Love Expert Trish: Now that Dean’s decimated Tracy’s trust by cheating on her and she’s taken him back, they have the potential to be a lot stronger.

Image credit: Married at First Sight, Channel 9

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