Well here we are, the searing heat of summer has arrived and it. Just. Won’t. Stop. As a stream of sweat cascades down your cleavage to pool in awkward sweat patches, remember that you wanted this. Remember that you kept saying how much you love summer and are responsible for bringing the anger of the sun gods down upon us. Now it feels like we are living in Satan’s armpit.
Here’s how to survive a Perth summer heatwave in 30 easy steps. Don’t say we don’t care.
- Head to Bikram yoga to cool down.
- Head to Beatty Park to swim in the warm urine of many, many small children.
- Try to get some sleep. LOL, no. You can’t sleep. Sleep is for rich people, with air-conditioning.
- Take all your black clothing and burn it. Just pop it outside in the sun—that should get the party started.
- Lose your mind. Start a fight club with yourself. Do not talk about fight club.
- Let all the flies start a family on your face. It’s too hot to swat. Must conserve energy.
- Keep drinking water until you eventually attach your mouth to a tap like an adorable internet cat.
- Constantly cross over to the shady side of the street.
- Test out your end of days emergency plan.
- Make fart noises on the train and giggle to guarantee yourself a breezy wide berth.
- Commence the ice cream, watermelon, icy pole and juice diet.
- Stick a comb in your humidity ‘fro. Work it.
- Make sure you aren’t in fact dead and in the firey pits of hell. I’m not sure how you check this.
- Open the fridge door and whisper “I want to be inside you.”
- Commit many crimes. Use the “heatwave defence” in court.
- Go to the movies again. Ask for “a ticket to any old sh*t.”
- Visit a gelato store and gently weep.
- Move back home. How could your parents have cast you out into this fiery heat in the first place? #childabuse.
- Begin a revolution against the bourgeois of Perth in their air-conditioned ivory towers. #doyouhearthepeoplesing?
- Hate everyone.
- Get a bag of frozen peas down your pants stat.
- Punch someone in the face.
- Hurt someone’s feelings.
- Let a cult recruit you. Especially if they have air-con.
- Head to Karrinyup Shopping Centre, lay down on the cool stone floor and begin screaming “take me now, lord!”
- Jump into people’s fountains. Naked. Blame it on drugs or something.
- Hit up Tinder for a hotty with a pewl.
- Assume the starfish stance. No body part should be touching another body part in this heat.
- Get a good book. No sexy times will take place until autumn.
- Heatwaves can be quite dangerous to the elderly. Find one with lots of money and no family and become friends just before summer.
Heading to Rotto this summer? Check out Your Summer Rotto Bucket List!
Image credit: Louise Coghill