As Ghandi once said, Friday knockoffs are the window to the soul. It’s the perfect opportunity to size up a potential date or m8, because you can tell a lot about a person from what bev they choose to wrap their lips around in the warmer months. Something flat? Something bubbly? Something brewed? Something aged? Are they living at home? Do they have a successful career? Would they be comfortable sharing a bowl of beer battered chips? Have they done a murder? We can answer all of these important questions and more.
Don’t believe us? Read on.
Rosé In A Can
When people ask you what three things you’d take to a desert island, you’re the kind of person who says ‘a speedboat, a life jacket and a mobile phone’. You floss twice a day, you stay on the line to answer short customer support surveys and you take coffees back when they’re not made with skim milk. If your dog needed surgery, you’d take a day to first way up if the return on investment was worth it and you once sent a video of a cop car driving through a pedestrian crossing on your street to the Federal Police.
You got back from your gahp yaah four years ago and everyone hates you now because you still can’t sit through dinner without bringing up all the huts you built and ‘theoretical’ lives you saved in 2014. You once took someone else’s dog home from the supermarket because you thought it was yours and you have ‘Not all those who wonder are lost’ tattooed on your collarbone and your friends are too scared to tell you it’s spelt wrong.
In Grade 3 you had the biggest Beanie Kids collection at your school, you once got a lifetime ban from Club Penguin for excessive swearing and you got your belly button pierced at sixteen after seeing Britney Spears’ music video ‘Lucky’. When you’re not calling Telstra to contest phone bills you definitely deserve, you’re either Googling ‘how to get abs in two weeks’ or vehemently defending Taylor Swift on Instagram.
You’ve been to court over rental bond disputes on more than three occasions, you once won $300 on Deal or No Deal and you insist on calling your parents by their first names in social situations. When you’re not at home watching Charmed and eating hummus and carrots, you’re misspelling your favourite beverage as ‘expresso martini’ in your Insta-story every Saturday night.
You can’t tell the difference between a lager and a pale ale, but you once ordered a cappuccino at a Maccas drive-thru and you’re still getting shit for it from your friends. Behind closed doors you enjoy reading tennis players’ autobiographies, playing internet poker and doing ‘girls pushups’ in front of the hallway mirror while your mum’s at the supermarket. Technically your family doesn’t know you dropped out of uni in 2013, but you’re hedging your bets on it being a funny anecdote you’ll bring up at Christmas in fifteen years.
Recently you entered into a new relationship but you’re considering ending it because you miss getting messages from strangers on Tinder. When you go on your annual week-long holiday to the Whitsundays with ‘the girls’, you leave your ragdoll Theresa six cans of cat food in a mixing bowl. Your biggest crime to date is regularly scanning avocados through as white seedless grapes at the Woolies self-checkout. You still haven’t realised that they’re triple the price per kilo.
You’ve had Mi Goreng and a piece of toast for dinner every night for the last four years. Two years ago you were on Today Tonight because you swapped all the welcome mats in your street. You currently hold the Asia-Pacific record for the most cans of Fanta drunk in one hour, you’ve had the chicken pox three times and technically you never received your pen license.
Maybe kombucha is more your thing? Here are some kombucha cocktails worth trying.
Image credit: Nancy Hanna