Generally speaking, people are fantastic. But there are some special breeds of human walking this earth that could be described as less than fantastic. People who do things that leave you scratching your head. People who say things that make you wonder if they were raised by animals because they have zero social etiquette.
When we encounter these creatures, the safest course of action is to avoid—leave them alone in their natural habitat and move on. These are the 10 types of people you should generally avoid in life.
The Busy Bee
The Busy Bee is someone who will talk at length about how busy they are. This is puzzling, because if The Busy Bee spent less time talking about how busy they are, they would have more time to complete their tasks. Under no circumstances should you tell The Busy Bee if you also happen to be busy—they are always busier than you and will not react kindly to you suggesting you’re busy also.
The Health High Horse
The Health High Horse will judge your breakfast, lunch and dinner and give you dietary advice despite the fact they work in accounts payable rather than a nutritionist’s office. The fact that The Health High Horse has no medical qualifications means their primary source of nutrition information is Instagram, so their advice will often be inaccurate. When they tell you to cut out meat, dairy and gluten and replace it with coconut oil and chia seeds, simply smile, nod and back away slowly.
The Fake Gluten Intolerant
The Fake Gluten Intolerant claims they have a gluten allergy, but then smashes all the garlic bread and arancini balls when you go out for dinner, leading to much confusion for those around them. Avoid them for two reasons—firstly, they are clearly a liar; and secondly, they are the reason waiters don’t take actual coeliac disease sufferers seriously when they ask for gluten-free meals, so you could say they are putting the health of others at risk.
The Name Dropper
The Name Dropper looks for any opportunity to tell you they know someone famous. Nine times out of 10 the person isn’t that famous at all, and 10 times out of 10 the link is very tenuous. For example, ‘Oh you have a sandwich for lunch, that’s so funny because I know Blake Garvey from The Bachelor!’ Just smile and act impressed, and The Name Dropper will usually move on to another victim.
The Workout Wanker
The Workout Wanker is someone who tells you all about their workout, even when you haven’t asked. Much like The Name Dropper, The Workout Wanker will use very tenuous links to ensure their latest gym session is thrown into the conversation. When they say ‘Oh I’m so glad the air-conditioning is on in the office today because I just did Jacob’s Ladder on my lunch break and I’m really sweaty,’ do not promptly inform them that the air conditioning is on every single day and thus it is not something to remark on; simply remain quiet and stay very, very still.
The Pseudo Socialite
The Pseudo Socialite is someone who thinks they are famous because they know someone who plays AFL. What they are yet to understand though is that we live in Australia so everybody knows someone who plays AFL. Promptly tell them to take a seat and then get on with your day.
The Talk Show Guest
The Talk Show Guest generally enjoys the sound of their own voice and answers questions like they are sitting on Oprah Winfrey’s couch rather than in your office lunch room, i.e. ‘The thing about me is I really adore nachos’ or ‘See, I’m the type of person who just loves nachos.’ They could just say ‘I love nachos’, but they don’t. When you encounter this species, it is important to not make eye contact, as this will invite more narcissistic chatter from them.
The Elevator Jerk
The Elevator Jerk is a special breed of human who sees you racing for the elevator but doesn’t hold it open. They just stand there, in all their smarminess, watching you run whilst trying to juggle your gym bag, lunch and coffee, and make absolutely no effort to just press the little door open button. Do not retaliate to The Elevator Jerk, but always remember.
The Distrusting Pedestrian
The Distrusting Pedestrian is both annoying and entertaining. While you are standing at a pedestrian crossing waiting for the walking-man to turn green, this creature will approach, stand next to you, look at you for a second and then—BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM—give the button a real good whopping. You’re standing there waiting; clearly you’ve pressed the button already. But The Distrusting Pedestrian doesn’t believe you have. They are not convinced you have properly prepared this set of lights for your impending crossing. Just smile, and ignore.
The No-Question Asker
The No-Question Asker doesn’t grasp the basic social norm of asking questions. When you ask them how they are, they say ‘Good thanks.’ When you ask them how their day has been they say ‘Great, went to yoga then headed to the beach.’ They do not ever follow up with ‘and how are you?’ Or ‘and how was your day?’ They must be avoided because, firstly, they are just plain rude; and secondly, you’re going to have to do all the heavy lifting to keep the conversation going, so you’re going to get real exhausted real quick. Back away swiftly and do not return to the site of the encounter.
Image credit: Bridesmaids