94 Things To Buy With Your Tax Return

By Catherine Blake
9th Jul 2017

The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they commence when you’re out of fun things to celebrate and supremely down on the dollar. Mid-year resolutions are infinitely more practical, so this July it’s time to become the best damn you you can possibly be.

July 1 heralds a magical time of year when the government gives you the economic equivalent of a forgotten twenty in an old pair of jeans. If the first half of 2017 hasn’t been up to scratch, this is a second chance to turn the year around.  

Practical purchases generally make you and the world better. So don’t waste your windfall on paltry, fleeting pleasures like a whole bunch of helium balloons or a trip to the zoo. We’re here to make sure you invest your return in something lastingly joyful—and for God’s sake don’t spend it all in one place. Unless that place is Prada. 

Here is what we’ll be doing with our tax returns:

  1. Pay for the next two years of Netflix in advance.
  2. Sign up for a full body IPL and writhe around like a hairless little snake. 
  3. Re-upholster you couch in cashmere. 
  4. Wave goodbye to Rexona and get your armpits Botoxed.
  5. Employ a financial adviser to tell you what to do with next year’s rebate, or go and see a psychic for essentially the same thing. 
  6. Replace your shitty MacBook with a sparkly MacBook Pro. Ooooooooh.
  7. Actually sign up to Spotify.
  8. Purchase second copies of all your favourite Penguin Classics. 
  9. Visit the 25 best burger joints in Australia and order BIG.
  10. Get yourself a pony called Raffles.
  11. Work your way through our list of Australia's best pizza
  12. Beef up your winter wardrobe with a new pair of boots, some chunky knits, and a cheeky toboggan. 
  13. Hire a claque to follow you around and laugh at all your jokes. 
  14. Kit out your apocalypse bunker with tinned peaches, automatic crossbows and a can opener.
  15. Get yourself that new bike bell you’ve always wanted. 
  16. Provide a water harvesting system to a drought-stricken community in central Africa.
  17. Carve out some downtime for a minibreak to Byron Bay’s hinterland and hang with your new bezzie mates, the Hemsworths.
  18. Turn your backyard into a microfarm complete with veggie patch, herb garden and a chicken coop.
  19. Sign up for some pottery lessons and refurnish your mum’s mantle with wonky cups. 
  20. Replace your dodgy fridge with one that doesn’t leak. 
  21. Purchase memberships to every club in town, bulk connections heading your way. 
  22. Track down the original VHS tapes of Hercules and Xena Warrior Princess. 
  23. Buy another Dachshund to keep the other two company.
  24. Most people put their returns towards a flashy SUV. Break away from the pack and do your quads a favour by scoring yourself a nifty pushbike. 
  25. Buy a backpack and a one-way ticket to Thailand.  
  26. Order 50 supersized novelty gummi bears and pretend you’ve been shrunk to the size of a Barbie. 
  27. Go for a few rounds of hair growth laser therapy and finally get that beard you’ve always wanted.
  28. Take your wine palate for a spin on a trip to the Yarra Valley.
  29. Bind all your reading material in leather. Even your microwave’s instruction manual. 
  30. Plant a couple of apple trees in your backyard then marvel at the serenity.
  31. Buy a state-of-the-art paintball gun for protection against lemon thieves. 
  32. Amp up your liquor cabinet, starting with a pair of crystal tumblers, a cocktail shaker, and some sterling silver ice tongs. 
  33. Daytrip to Bangalow and buy a Persian rug.
  34. Leather jacket up with eight of the best
  35. Rig up your office with a stadium-quality sound system complete with podium.
  36. Hire a Soviet battle-axe to teach you Russian. 
  37. Freshen up your living room with a couple of potted fiddle leaf figs...
  38. …then complete the revamp with a few throw cushions and a light feature from IKEA. 
  39. Set up a separate bank account specifically to pay for brow maintenance. 
  40. Ditto for your travelcards. 
  41. Go out for 7-course degustations every day until September at any of these stunning Australian restaurants
  42. Go down to your local coffee house and stock up with 34 pre-paid coffee cards.
  43. Scratch that, go all out with your very own commercial grade espresso machine…
  44. …and roastery. 
  45. Commission a maestro to compose your own personal theme tune.  
  46. Upgrade your futon to a memory foam mattress. Thank me later. 
  47. Sync all your devices with a shiny new Apple Watch.
  48. Then insure your left wrist against maiming and theft.
  49. Boost your confidence and your cup size with a breast augmentation, ya foxy bean.
  50. Sweep your S.O. off his feet with an impromptu wedding, sans shotgun. 
  51. Get all your favourite Spice Girls records on vinyl.
  52. Bulk-buy enough Mint Slice to last you until next year’s tax return comes through. 
  53. Donate a goat to a Tibetan village and call her Stephanie.
  54. Find yourself at a yoga retreat. Your real self. 
  55. Compound interest for your next European jaunt. 
  56. Lay down AstroTurf in your house and create a landscape of potted bonsai trees. 
  57. Install an air conditioning unit in your bedroom. 
  58. Move to Perth and buy a surfboard and a yoga mat. 
  59. Stockpile petrol in case you can’t afford an electric car in the future. 
  60. Break even on your credit card debts. 
  61. Pimp your coffee table with a subscription to Vogue.
  62. Get laser removal treatment on the tattoo of a spatula on your ankle.
  63. Get a tattoo saying ‘no regrets’ in hiragana on your other ankle. 
  64. Curate a kaleidoscopic selection of exotic teas and brew them in one of those schmick kettles that boils water to exact degrees. 
  65. Hit up your local tooth wizard and get your smile whitened until it positively GLEAMS. 
  66. Buy a fully swank Canon and take it on a bunch of roadtrips. 
  67. Start a band. 
  68. In the spirit of savings, order one of those handy knives that get all the Nutella out of the jar. 
  69. Order a custom-made cape just in case the ‘phantom’ mood strikes you.  
  70. Go down to Costco and pick up a bulk pallet of tax-free sanitary items—OH WAIT NO.
  71. Purchase a 75-litre drum of Cocowhip and keep it in a meatlocker. 
  72. Install clappers in all of your lights at home. 
  73. Cash your check in fifties and sew them into a rather smart casual jacket. 
  74. Replace all your underwear with pure silk, handmade French knickers and old-fashioned whalebone corsets.
  75. Kit yourself out with a leather jacket and a jet ski and burn up and down the Brisbane River like the Fonz.
  76. Order Taylor Swift’s 1989 album and save yourself the hassle of searching fruitlessly for it online.  
  77. Put a down payment on a Bengalese food truck. 
  78. In the meantime, peddle flowers out of a rickshaw. 
  79. Sign yourself up for some Thai cooking classes and retire your anthology of takeaway menus for good. 
  80. Invest in the ‘make lightsabers a reality’ project on Pozible. 
  81. Gather a backup Jareth costume just in case you’re ever invited to a Labyrinth-themed birthday party. 
  82. Get yourself a long, shiny weave and flip it wildly in the wind. 
  83. Buy a pair of night vision goggles and impress all your friends by walking along cobblestones at 3am without stumbling. 
  84. Put something towards that hulking HECS debt you’ve been ignoring.  
  85. Finally place that order of everything you’ve ever saved on your online shopping Wish Lists.
  86. Get a whole set of Le Creuset pans and chase that dream of being Australia’s next Masterchef. 
  87. Take advantage of the crisp weather and throw a lavish Christmas in July. Don’t forget to wear an ugly sweater and have a complete meltdown in the kitchen when the gravy burns.
  88. Buy a tent, marshmallows, matches and kindling, and camp out in your backyard. 
  89. Cover your entire kitchen and bathroom with Teflon and never scrub again.
  90. Nab yourself a snazzy pair of running kicks and keep them on your shelf in pristine condition. 
  91. Make a hole in the drywall and stash your stacks like a decrepit miser with a lot of enemies. 
  92. Back up your portable hard drive on another portable hard drive, JUST IN CASE. 
  93. Get your LCD TV fitted with a gilt frame.
  94. Pour bubble bath in your pool filter and throw a bash for all your closest rubber ducks. 


Image credit: Wander Luxe

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