Hey, I was just thinking. Aren’t women lucky? Aren’t we just the most BLESSED people in the world, because Jesus thought it would be a giant bag of LOLs to place a uterus in the middle of our bodies and watch us writhe in pain like a salt-covered slug for 3-7 days a month. Aren’t we just so beyond privileged that our body’s way of congratulating us for not growing a child is with an inconvenient, sometimes messy, awkward… thing? And don’t get me started on the bloody taxes. Pun intended.
We should be allowed a giggle, a nod, or even an eye roll during our monthly visit from the period fairy, so here are 19 things you’ll definitely experience. Enjoy.
- There is an unwavering balance between being annoyed your period hasn’t arrived and terrified because it hasn’t.
- Same goes for the balance of anger and relief.
- Your period can (and will) arrive on the day you choose to break in your new jeans.
- And the raging PMS will absolutely coincide with that really important meeting or conversation that requires you to be rational. Nope.
- Coles will definitely run out of your favourite chocolate or chips on the day you want them most.
- You will run into someone you’d rather not, while crying because you saw a pigeon lose a piece of stale bread down a drain.
- If one more man claims being kicked in the balls is worse than the soul-burning torture that is period pain, then we can all agree to kill them.
- We’ve all had that moment where you don’t know if you’ve peed yourself… Or it’s time.
- You’ll do the nice thing and give your bestie a tampon. But you won’t realise it’s your last one and you’ll definitely get caught out.
- You’ll go to buy more and there will be a group of giggling teenagers lurking around that section of the supermarket.
- You will inevitably catch a colleague’s eye while doing the subtle ‘slip the tampon from the bag into the pocket’.
- Or… You’ll run into your dinosaur boss while sneaking to the bathroom with your handbag. He will notice.
- No matter how old you get, or how few f*cks you give, a little part of you will always be nervous about going to the pool or beach when you’re ‘on’.
- Your period (and refined carb cravings) can and will arrive the very day your two-week detox begins.
- The person you’ve been perving on will absolutely walk past (and strike up a conversation) juuuust as you’ve subtly crop dusted. But the subtle thing won’t work out.
- You will pack up all your tampons, throw on your new white jeans, and then realise you jumped the gun.
- During a serious meeting with a colleague or on a date, your period-tracking app will absolutely pop up on your phone and loudly remind you that you’re due to bleed in T-minus two days.
- Dating the sexiest person alive? Prepare for embarrassment. Stained sheets prove that God has a sense of humour.
- Getting to the supermarket and realising you don’t have enough money for tampons and will have to rely on a makeshift solution. Wait… That’s never happened to you? Unfortunately, it is a reality for many homeless women in Australia. But you can help. Aussie charity The Melbourne Period Project for more information.
While we're on a roll, here are 29 things we absolutely LOVE about taking public transport (#not).
Image credit: Gabby Stjernqvist