Christmas can mean many things to many people. It can mean bopping in your car to the latest has-been pop star’s holiday endeavour, or it can mean screaming matches with the person in the car in front of you that refuses to indicate, or move from the spot that was clearly yours. It’s not all presents and boozy staff parties, guys. December is a sweaty month of stress and money loss. But we’re here to make it better, thank us later in the form of prosecco.
- Wake up early, stand in front of the mirror, and say to yourself: “‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ will NOT get the better of me this year” until it sinks in.
- Facilitate a fight between Trev and Dale, your elderly neighbours that try to outdo each other with lights and decorations every year.
- Make friends with the family of huntsman spiders that are taking up residence in your house.
- Form an alliance with them: they catch the mosquitos, you keep them a comfortable distance away from the Mortein.
- Keep some underwear stashes in the freezer for those times you brave Christmas shopping and end up half-cooking yourself in the car on the way home.
- Give up on the idea of DIY gifts really early this year.
- Convince yourself that the bargain bin at JB-Hifi is nothing to sneeze at. OF COURSE your Dad wants Season two of Winners & Losers on DVD.
- Mute each and every single healthy Instablogger from your stories. Who needs stuffed kale roasts when you have Gaytime sangas to get through?
- Crack open a box of wine, rip the plastic off the Woolies cheese selection, and put on your PJs, because Christmas shopping time is here and the little hand is pointing to Amazon.
- Go over to your parents’ house, be all like “heeeyyyy!!’ and then leave with all of their wrapping paper and sticky tape in your bag.
- Or go grab some discount ‘Happy Birthday’ paper and write ‘Jesus’ underneath.
- Rig your office Secret Santa by crying every time you get something shit and saying it brings back awful memories of the time your [insert imaginary pet here] died.
- Find a Christmas beetle, get right up in his ear, and ask him why he doesn’t feel the need to contribute to society 11 months of the year.
- Make judgy eyes at the people that drop crap presents under the giving tree at KMart and save the good stuff for their ice-cream covered brat.
- Go get a photo with Santa and don’t cry. Then raise an eyebrow at all the Mums holding screaming children in urine-soaked shorts.
- Head straight for Donut King, then nibble on a strawberry dinosaur right in front of the kids eating apple slices.
- Find out what happened to the Chrisco woman and see if she wants to grab a drink.
Wondering how to survive the heatwave that comes with it? Read this.
Image credit: Mariah Carey's 'Merry Christmas II You'