32 Steps To Becoming A Brisbanite

By Catherine Blake
11th Jul 2016

There’s a big difference between a cheeky gambol through the Briswolds and sticking around long enough to let that sun-scorched carelessness sink into your system. And while there is a whole raft of stuff you have to do before you can consider yourself part of the gang, the Urban List’s 32-step program will turn you into a Brisbanite in just four weeks. It’s quick, free and easy, and comes with absolutely no added MSG.

  1. Abolish your senate.  
  2. Learn all the Hanover-centric street names in the CBD and the pattern they run in: Female streets are northeast-southwest, male streets are northwest-southeast.
  3. Learn how to cut a mango properly. People will ask you to help out at summer barbecues and nothing chafes against our core values more than the sight of a mutilated mango.
  4. Come to terms with the discomfort of drinking scalding milky coffee in a heatwave.
  5. Get over your fear of cockroaches. Quickly.
  6. No seriously, they account for the majority of things living in your house…
  7. Which I can guarantee is a gusty Queenslander that does little to keep the elements out.
  8. Develop an appreciation for the value of bananas by opening a banana stand.
  9. Fully accept that Maccas is the only place that’s open after 9pm.
  10. Restock your wardrobe exclusively with natural fibres. The humidity is not a joke.
  11. Thank your bus driver when you alight.
  12. At least try a burger with beetroot and pineapple on it. Just once so if anyone ever serves you a ‘Queensland-style’ burger by mistake you won’t freak out and flip a table, you’ll just sit there like ‘Oh, I know what that is. I don’t like it, but I know what it is’.
  13. Cultivate an assumption that, unless you have five days warning, it isn’t going to rain at all.
  14. Learn the light-up pattern of the XXXX sign while you’re gridlocked on Milton Road.
  15. Renounce all monarchs, except the King in the Southeast whose name is Wally Lewis.
  16. Start opening every discourse with a stranger by asking which school they went to.
  17. Cultivate a deep appreciation for the strawberry ice-creams at the Ekka.
  18. …Such that you chuck a sickie just to spend the day at the RNA getting your frosty fix.
  19. …Then get actually sick by contracting Ekka flu.
  20. Become so prepared for a natural disaster that you could probably survive a nuclear apocalypse.
  21. Decide which side of the river you fight for and take up arms.
  22. Lower your standards of convenience. Sometimes you have to drive two hours just to get some Gelato Messina.
  23. Implement at least four safeguards for when your bus is inevitably late/doesn’t turn up.
  24.  Reflexively refer to Stefan as ‘His Lordship’.
  25. Consider half a tank of gas perfectly ample for a trip to the beach and back.
  26. Avoid the Western Freeway during peak hour at all costs.
  27. Work yourself into a frenzy every time a multinational that is literally everywhere else in the world opens in the CBD.
  28. Smuggle a Camelbak of vodka into a game at the Gabba.
  29. Get thrown out of the Gabba for trying to smuggle a Camelbak of vodka into a game.
  30. Sub out your fancy bottled wine for some quality boxes of goon.
  31. Invest in some dress thongs for special occasions.
  32. Kit yourself out in Powderfinger merch and staunchly refuse to concede that theirs isn’t the greatest musical legacy Australia has ever claimed.  

What do you think? What other steps should we add?

Image credit: australia.com

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