We’re three weeks into the most dramatic season of The Bachelor Australia to date and it seems Channel Ten is pulling out all the stops in an attempt to unsuccessfully steal the Dance Moms crowd over on 9Life, but hats off to them for trivialising the sanctity of marriage during such a non-topical time in Australian politics anyway.
The third week of Please Marry My Attention Seeking & Highly Maternal Son delivered more drama than an impulsive nuclear threat against North Korea. Women were thrown from planes, roses were placed back on trays using advanced video doctoring software and three empty wombs were kicked to the fertility curb.
Here’s what happened this week on Womb & Away.
Episode 5 kicked off very traditionally - with Osher surprising the wombs in the mansion with a piece of gold stationery, a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red and a dangerously short crew cut. Once the girls had cooled off from their exposure to a man and Steph had read out the date riddle, Jen dropped the first bombshell of the week by announcing she was Scottish.
Unfortunately for wee lass Jen, Womb number 11 a.k.a. Exchange Student Flo was the set of ovaries honoured with Matty’s undivided attention in episode 5 and he took the opportunity to throw her from a building, make a plaster cast of her hand and interrogate her about her citizenship under the guise of ‘getting to know the serious side of her’.
After he took her lips for a test drive, gave her a piece of flora and then rewarded her with another pash, Flo returned to the house to show off her rose and awaken the dragon inside jealous Cobie who was wishing the stupid bitch had gone with her original plan of ‘aborting the mission’.
In an epic twist of Scottish proportions,
the producers Matty chose Haggas Jen and The Putrid Dress Liz to join him on two-moles-one-date scenario. Jen sheds a thousand tears because that’s what her script tells her to do and Leah reassures her that’ll she be back in time to ‘take her brownies out of the oven’ because at this point Leah reckons she’s in round three of Ready Steady Cook. Meanwhile, the girls choose to say nothing about Osher’s wanky Apple Watch.
Three minutes into a date that’s got as much energy as a 4pm Centrelink call, we’re 90% sure Matty knows that Jen’s got about as much mothering potential as a pair of hedge trimmers, but he’s played the game for long enough now to know that a gal like Jen will get the show on the cover of TV Week faster than fashion police chief, Liz, so he throws her in the back seat of a KIA and wishes her well in her future conception attempts. Jen is visibly ecstatic to have made it through the two-on-one because she still hasn’t received a Neighbours call back yet so her schedule’s pretty free right now.
Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony
Back at the mansion, Jen explains to the other wombs that Matty fell in love with how beautiful, funny and confident she is, even though he never said any of those words.
Out of nowhere, Sian becomes really salty about the fact that Matty hasn’t scoped out her medical history or fertility levels yet and makes wild accusations like, “there’s something wrong with this process”, “Matty doesn’t own the Date Yacht” and “school holidays are over, I should be back in class”.
Sian then locks herself in the bathroom and two faceless producers try to coax her out, which probably got the show about 20,000 extra Ten Play views a pop but nothing that’ll save the network. After she eventually emerges and shouts about wanting something ‘real’, Matty appears out of nowhere and attempts to use reverse psychology to get her to leave because she’s clearly not parent potential. Unfortunately, she calls his bluff and chooses to stay because the commercials promised something wild would happen and they have to deliver.
At the rose ceremony, Jen is loving herself sick with her date rose and dropping some absolute zingers in the voice over that’ll end up as Mamamia headlines for sure. After half a dozen girls are given their own symbolic flowers and invited into the next round of
IVF The Bachelor, Matty has a three-second pause because he has forgotten Cobie’s name and the moment gets replayed seven more times at three different speed and then gets a ‘To be continued…’ slapped over it before anyone can log onto the TAB and put $60k on Matty making up an excuse to drop Sian to the curb.
Rose Ceremony Part 2
The rose ceremony resumes and the girls are absolutely gobsmacked that Matty’s taken a longer than normal breather between ranking two dozen girls in his head by fertility and hip size. At this point, Sian’s fake eyelashes are basically hanging off her nose and Jen is putting on an Oscar-worthy performance of pretending she has a soul. After a few tense moment, Matty asks Sian to join him outside for a chat where he then throws her in the back of a KIA, thanks her for coming and gives her a pair of finger guns.
When he returns to the ceremony, Matty pulls out a small cue card and starts stumbling over promises that “these are all his decisions”, “I choose the single dates”, and “the Date Yacht’s mine I promise” before confidently finishing by saying, “I’m here for one reason and one reason only - to marry Lisa” and no one bats an eyelid because they’re all asking Osher for a turn on his Apple Watch.
The set of ovaries ‘genuinely’ chosen by Matty for episode 6’s single date is child obsessed Tara, because the producers said it was too soon for him to play tennis with Lisa again.
Matty gives Tara a swift verbal clocking around the chops for not knowing how to ride a bike, before forcing her on the back of a tandem one and patting himself on the back for yet another highly personalised and successful date that’s based off a broad generalisation that women are floored by all modes of transport.
After they cut a few laps of the cliffs, Matty throws in the towel and asks Tara to cut her shit and act serious for one second, and cook him some goddamn meatballs. Tara gets overly excited about a customised apron, tries to take Matty’s pants off and then opens up about prior failed relationships and Matty rewards her for ‘showing him her serious side’ by slapping a kiss on her and giving her a rose.
Flash forward to the group date where Matty has decided to drop six wombs from a plane to see which one has the heaviest pair of fallopian tubes. This then triggers Simone’s debilitating fear of heights and Jen takes this opportunity to reiterate just how much of a selfish attention seeker Simone is.
At the runway, Matty manages to convince Simone to get in the plane by promising to make eye contact with her for seven consecutive seconds. The other girls are ropable that she’s receiving so much attention, except for Leah who’s explaining to the camera why she wants to win this episode of Fear Factor.
In an impressive show of unified bravery, all six women toss themselves out of the plane to prove to Matty that they all have ‘serious
Stockholm Syndrome sides’. Unfortunately for Matty, they all make it to the ground alive so he still has to send someone home at the rose ceremony.
Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony
The cocktail party kicks off with Jen explaining to the camera that Natalie has no respect for the process because she’s a bogan and also is not being paid to be there. There’s the usual fight over the order of the lunch line, which as always ends with Jen skipping it and her explaining that she’s ‘not here to make friends’ and that she’ll ‘walk over’ whoever it takes to win the $1 mil at the final tribal council.
The rose ceremony eventually gets underway with its usual voice-over commentary from Putrid Jen who takes the time to trash talk each individual woman during the most emotionally vulnerable part of the show. Matty hands out his women’s multi-vitamin-laced fertility roses to each of the wombs until only Natalie and Michelle remain. One of the producers quickly reminds him that he kicked the ‘other old one’ out last week, so he throws the last rose at old gal Michelle and we bid a sad farewell to Natalie. May she live a long and fruitful life away from the camera and Matty’s prying Ovarian Reserve & Anti Mullerian Hormone tests.
Week 3 Power Rankings
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