Going into last night’s episode we were pretty damn ready to call it a day. Between the Flo love triangle, the new Jake love triangle and the fabulous bartender that is being wasted on this show, we were pretty done. But between Blake calling Laurina the wrong name and Tara being her usual fabulous self, we’re back. Oooooh, we are back.
Here are 30 thoughts we had while watching last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- Another day has dawned in the Love Shack and we’re already bored of people talking about how obsessed they are with Ali.
- OK, we get it, Ali is beautiful.
- No really guys, we GET it.
- The tally stands at four: Mack, Jarrod, Michael and a confused shell-of-a-sleazy-man Jake all just asked the producers whether it would be too far to bring in giant sumo suits to fight over Ali and we think it’s juuuuust far enough.
- Jarrod (sans sumo suit and rocking his best smug face) wanders over Ali and says “oi, so like, you wanna go on a date with me?” to which she responds with a big ol’ sigh and a “fiiiiine”.
- She then proceeds to awkwardly laugh at his jokes, beg him not to kiss her please for the love of God, and tell the camera repeatedly that she has absolutely no romantic interest in the poor man. No, really, like none.
- The one thing she doesn’t do is tell Jarrod that she’s friend zoned him hard.
- Just when we thought Jarrod couldn’t get any redder, they make him dance next to Ali.
- Meanwhile, on the beach, Leah is telling Mack that she’ll be spewing if he doesn’t give her his rose because he owes it to her… Then says that even if he was the last Bach-man on the island, she probs still wouldn’t give him her rose.
- And that, my friends, is why Leah is on our shit list. Again. Just when we thought she’d come good.
- Meanwhile, Florence can be heard in the distance arguing that Megan is a lesbian so it should really be impossible for her to steal her man.
- Nina just keeps interrupting her with a serious case of word vomit about the hot and heavy kiss she heard totally happened at the Love Gate between Megan and Jake the night before. She doesn’t even pretend that she isn’t loving every single minute of the drahmz.
- Flash to the beach and Jake and Megan are reclining while he tells her that ‘babe, You look great in that bikini babe. Babe.”
- Insert multiple scenes of Flo really giving it to Megan about how truly awful manwhore Jake is, plus another not-scene of her throwing her champagne at Jakes back. Jake missed the altercation and so did the camera men but if Michael says it happened then it totally happened. We think.
- And while Florence is still telling the team about throwing her champagne at Jake (which may or may not have actually happened) Oshy wanders in, in a jacket that’s frankly not appropriate Fiji wear, and announced a rose ceremony.
- Cue Flo repeating over and over again “oh no, I think I made a mistake” and packing her bag immediately.
- Now if you’re not already strapped in, you better do it fast because all we know is the rose ceremony is about to begin, Tara looks absolutely babe’n, and emotions are about to run high.
- We have a feeling that Jarrod is about to lose out to literally any guy that gives out their rose first.
- Jarrod unfortunately is the only person who hasn’t picked up on the vibes, so he’s pulling Keira away to pat her on the knee patronisingly and tell her that while he felt a spaa-aaa-aarrk he’s just thrown her into the yeah-nah pile because Ali is his new Queen and owner of the love fern 2.0.
- Now we feel sorry for Keira. Can someone please explain to us how the Channel Ten editors have done such a good job that we now feel sorry for Keira?
- Okay, the rose ceremony. Mack walks up to the plate and, shock horror, throws a big pie in Leah’s face and chooses Ali.
- Jarrod looks more devastated than that time someone pissed in his love fern and we’re more excited than, well, that time someone pissed in his love fern.
- Question: Who would be the better stalker, Mack or Jarrod?
- Jarrod walks up with a face like a slapped arse and chooses Kiera and seriously, the sass she’s throwing is everything. Again, whyyyy do we feel sorry for Keira?
- As more and more people make their choices, Jake is getting increasingly red, teary and agitated so he naturally tells Michael to choose Flo for him because he’ll cry if he doesn’t. Honestly, we couldn’t make this shit up and also, get out Jake.
- Now for the best part of the night. Blake walks up and calls out Lenora. LENORA GUYS. HE CALLED LAURINA, LENORA (!!). Cue awkward giggles and Laurina dropping Blake like a dirty street pie.
- Tara must be sticking with Sam purely so she can make him wash his hair.
- Jake just said he’s going to cry again and we need him to leave.
- Michael picks Leah just to stick it to Jake and honestly, he’s is suddenly our third favourite person on the island. Jake on the other hand feels personally victimised by Michael because he didn’t want to deal with the consequences of his own shitty, shitty actions. Idiot.
- And that’s it team; our final Flo scene and while we wish the girl well, we’re glad we can stop watching her love triangle (square?).
Catch up on all things Bach right here.
Image credit: TenPlay