In what is becoming an all too familiar tale, Australia has gone to bed with one guy as Prime Minister – thanks for everything Tony Abbott – and woken up with the news that someone new – oh hey, Malcolm Turnbull – is now in the top job.
One is known for wearing budgie-smugglers without a trace of irony (and less amusingly, an extremely hard-line stance on refugees and same sex marriage), while the other is known for having personal digs that top Kirribilli House and actually knowing how to run a profitable business. Can’t say we’re too upset with the dramatic turn of events.
But with Australian politics about as stable as a three-legged table right now, the newly-minted 29th Prime Minister of Australia would be best advised to start celebrating immediately, because who can say what will happen tomorrow?
With that in mind, here are our pick of the 10 places around Australia that Malcolm Turnbull should take his chic new deputy, Julie Bishop, to celebrate winning the top job in the land.
Abbott Street Espresso | Cammeray
Mr Turnbull can have a little giggle when he orders a cup of Joe (geddit?) from Abbott Street Espresso in Cammeray—for obvious reasons. The guys here know how to make a good coffee and we think Malcolm will need all the caffeinated energy he can get while he’s running the country.
The Botanist | Kirribilli
Welcome to the neighbourhood, Malcolm! The PM will be wanting to get to know his new locale, and what better way to do this than to pay a visit to the ever-popular Kirribilli restaurant, The Botanist? Nothing says “killing it at life” more than cramming as many celebratory tacos into your mouth as possible and downing a few “Passionate Geezer” cocktails.
8bit | Footscray
One thing that sets Malcolm Turnbull apart from Tony Abbott is his preference for onions that are not raw. Serving up some of the best beer-battered onion rings in Melbourne is 8bit. The new PM can feel free to tuck into a basket of these babies without fear of later being mocked on social media in a gif.
Mart 130 | Middle Park
While former Speaker of the House of Representatives Bronwyn Bishop was being lambasted for her outrageous and unnecessary use of private jets, Malcolm was endearing himself to the Australian people by taking pictures of himself using public transport. This was clearly a masterstroke and in tribute to the humble tram, we suggest our country’s leader should stop by at Mart 130 which is serving up some tasty breakfast, lunch and coffee out of a stationmaster’s building in the middle of a light-rail stop.
China Red | CBD
As the former Communications Minister, Malcolm is one of few Australian politicians who is aware of the presence of the internet. We suggest he stop by at China Red, where patrons are encouraged to place their orders using ipads. The digital age has arrived!
Les Bubbles | Fortitude Valley
Once a salubrious underground casino and brothel frequented by Brisbane’s shonky police and government officials, Les Bubbles in the Fortitude Valley has recently seen a dramatic turnaround (much like what we’re hoping for with the new leadership). Reinvigorated as a Parisian-style bistro that oozes class, the menu is comprised of one main meal – traditional steak frites cooked to medium-rare perfection – meaning that the new PM won’t have to waste any precious decision-making energy selecting dinner.
e’cco Bistro | CBD
Philip Johnson’s e'cco Bistro speaks of understated class, quality and taste and has been getting the job done since 1995. With unwaveringly exceptional service, this discreet bistro would be the perfect spot for the PM to enjoy the black cardamom beef and an exquisite glass of bubbles and talk party politics without ruffling any feathers.
Bob’s Bar | CBD
What better place to take Mal than Bob’s Bar in the Perth CBD—named after third-longest serving Aussie Prime Minister, Bob Hawke. Perhaps he might learn a thing or two about staying in power longer than the gestational period of an African Elephant while he knocks back a few ales.
Chophouse | CBD
Possibly the location where Julie Bishop gave Malcolm Turnbull pointers on how to shank someone from the sidelines, Chophouse provides the perfect location for some celebratory meat sweats. Our new PM can stab his dry-aged T-bone like he stabbed Tony Abbott in the back. Politics is bloody warfare after all.
Parlour | New Acton
Okay, okay, okay. At some stage Malcolm is going to have bite the bullet and get acquainted with the nation’s capital. Parlour Wine Room in Canberra's hip New Acton area is the perfect spot to signal there's a progressive new regime in town.
Image credit: The Daily Telegraph