TV & Movies

38 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Love Island

By Millie Lester
25th Jun 2018


Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your TV around minors again, Sunday night rolls around and all of a sudden you’re slapped with an eyeful of ‘competitive pole dancing’ and about sixty minutes of semi-consensual spooning. And with Cassidy out of the picture, there’s no need to scream at the telly and send bottles of battery acid-infused skinny tea to Tayla’s house anymore.

Here are 38 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.

  1. The episode opens with Cassidy’s tearful exit sending waves of ‘thank f*cking god’ through the villa.
  2. After the last and only tear is shed, Josh gets cracking with his diabolical plan to plant a fat one on Amelia by nightfall, and also convince her that nine of KFC’s eleven secret herbs and spices are various plastics.
  3. Over on the balcony, Erin’s rubbing Eden’s foot with a rock from the garden and telling him about all the rescue kittens they’ll adopt together and then return when they stop getting good engagement on Insta.
  4. Down below, Josh is halfway through explaining that exhaling carbon dioxide is actually the largest known cause of all cancers, when he gets lost mid-sentence and throws Amelia a smooch to distract from any niggling thoughts that he’s a bloody idiot.
  5. All of a sudden it’s bedtime and the crew crack out their night vision cameras, ready to f*ck up the career prospects of a dozen people who probably haven’t worked a day in their lives.
  6. The darkness gives Grant newfound confidence to tell Tayla that ‘she gives him strong happy thought feels about her in his heart bone’.
  7. In the bed over, Josh and Amelia haven’t stopped swapping spit since Josh told her that ‘hot people are actually direct descendants of Jesus’.
  8. In the NEXT bed over, Dom is ‘having a crack’ at Millie by basically slobbering on her lobes and whispering ‘you’re so skinny, Miley’ in her ear.
  9. After the ad break, Amelia and Josh have somehow showered, dressed, had breakfast and climbed the stairs to the balcony without breaking lips, which has at least temporarily put a stop to Josh murdering the IQ of everyone in the villa.
  10. Over on the grassy knoll, Shelby reports that her and Jaxon have progressed to a more-than-friendly spoon, which is met by ‘sh*t yeah, get it girl’ from the other villa ladies.
  11. Meanwhile, in the pool, Erin is asking Eden to make their relationship Facebook official the second they get out because ‘all the uggos need to BACK THE HELL OFF FROM MY MAN’.
  12. In the spa, Tayla’s telling the girls that she’s been on cloud nine ever since Grant told her he loved her and would knife and skin anyone who tried to push in front of her at Subway.
  13. Over in the bathroom, everyone’s giving their do a fresh crimp while Millie recounts the moment that Dom took a hot second from treating her like sh*t to lick her ear and compliment her BMI.
  14. We then get our daily dose of re-enforced gender norms when Amelia gets a text message announcing that Grant, Teddy and Josh are going on a fishing trip.
  15. The three of them grab a handful of skewers from the kitchen and head down to the beach to ‘spearfish’ a four-foot gossip trout and catch about sh*t all else.
  16. Back at the villa, the islanders claim to have developed a ‘better-er Truth Bicycle’ called the ‘inflatable flamingo of non-lies’ where we find out that Jaxon needs to quit fluffing around and get busy getting dirty with Shelby.
  17. Dom then suggests that ‘having a crack’ at her might work.
  18. Back at the boys’ fishing trip, the fellas are four minutes into their first cast when Josh says ‘saltwater fish are actually dogs who got lost at sea and adapted to their environment over time’.
  19. Teddy then says ‘ew, let’s nip to the local IGA for some frozen prawns instead, please guys’.
  20. Over at the villa, Jaxon reveals his plan to drag himself out of the friendzone by giving Shelby a lap dance to the soundtrack of her favourite Disney song, ‘I’ll Make A Man Out Of You’.
  21. She reciprocates this truly horrific display by taking him to the bedroom and tracing the outline of his $200k back tatt with Vaseline.
  22. Over on the grassy knoll, Millie’s pissed that Dom only wants to butter her crumpet in the dark and is more concerned with yelling out fat slurs at the other girls during the day.
  23. Erin then announces that she got a text telling the islanders to get ready for a recoupling ceremony tonight that’s ‘gonna send wunna youse lot home #lol #crymeariver #hopeitsTayla’.
  24. With the impending coupling ceremony looming, Teddy herds Millie into the bedroom to talk about religion and witches, and to propose a secret alliance that promises to be the best platonic friendship she’s ever bloody had.
  25. Millie then decides to approach Dom about being less of a crude knob head and to stop measuring her waist every morning.
  26. Dom then tries to justify his mistreatment of women and perpetual single status by calling Millie a lovely and genuine girl that unfortunately is also a hysterical psycho b*tch.
  27. Sensing that the door has closed on this lukewarm fling, Dom hotfoots it over to Mac to ‘have a crack’ with her instead.
  28. Over on the loveseat, Franny is fretting that she’s left it too late to start a conversation with one of the male human beings in the villa.
  29. And Teddy’s stressed about which platonic relationship to take to the next level at tonight’s recoupling ceremony.
  30. The islanders then hear ‘hay goiwz’ as Sophie Monk, who’s elbow deep in Moscow Mules, staggers in wearing sunnies and a bed sheet.
  31. Sophie then explains that seven minus six is one, hence one person will be asked to leave the tribal council immediately.
  32. Josh asks her to run those numbers again please, he’s not getting the same result.
  33. All the existing couples predictably pair up, leaving Teddy to make the difficult choice between recoupling with Franswahz or rescuing Millie from Dom’s weight-watching clutches.
  34. Teddy suddenly remembers that this is Love Island, not Bros Before Hoes Hotel, and decides to dog Dom and steal his hostage girl.
  35. Soph then gives Teddy some unqualified advice about following his heart because ‘their love could be as deep as the ocean’.
  36. And Dom is then forced to send either Mac or Frangipani home, but it’s taking a really long time because he’s honestly blanked on both of their names.
  37. After sixteen or seventeen minutes, he takes a wild stab in the dark and says ‘Mal’, leaving Franswahz to neatly pack her straightening irons and get the heck off the island.
  38. Sophie sheds a single tear and everyone else cannonballs into the pool after throwing a few ‘oo-roos’ at Franny, who’s as made as a cute snake that she can’t find her Love Island drink bottle.

Catch up on all the Love Island drama here

Image credit: 9Now

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