Funny

45 Things That Are So Perth It Hurts

By Sarah Joanna Pope - 03 Nov 2015


Oh Perth, we love you, we leave you, we come back. We complain that you’re expensive and isolated yet we love your brilliant sunsets and laid back vibes.

And because we love this city as much as our $5 soy lattes, we’ve come up with 45 things that are so undeniably, completely, totally Perth. Here goes...

  1. Using trips to Bali as a unit of measurement. “$240 dollars for dinner? That’s a trip to Bali!”
  2. Anxiety over swimming in the Swan River. If a jellyfish touches your leg, you will DIE!
  3. Not letting other cars into your lane of traffic. My lane! Not your lane! MINE!
  4. Expecting a thank you wave and someone’s first-born child if you let someone into your lane.
  5. Posting pictures of sunsets online and writing something obnoxious like #nobigdeal.
  6. Dressing up that statue on the Swan River.
  7. Sharing happy childhood memories of Rainbow Paddle Pops and jam doughnuts.
  8. Getting married in Bali. 
  9. Knowing your way around north of the river or south of the river—but never both. 
  10. Losing your shit when an international chain moves to Perth #Zara! #KrispyKreme! #Topshop!
  11. Telling every foreigner that will listen that we live in the most isolated city in the world. Really!
  12. A Qantas lounge full of high vis.
  13. Wedding party photos at the blue boat shed on the Swan.
  14. Pirating TV shows and movies, apparently.
  15. Fantasising about overseas bar and restaurant concepts that you should open in Perth for eternal glory.
  16. Convincing everyone who has moved overseas to come back because Perth is cool now. It really is! 
  17. Grabbing a choc milk from the servo. 
  18. Losing our shit when overseas media likes us #newyorktimes.
  19. Getting drivers arm tan.
  20. Getting “Perthed”—meeting someone for the first time and realising you know all the same people.
  21. Early morning boot camps. Though I have no idea why.
  22. Opening your windows and doors each evening to the Freo Doctor.
  23. Remembering what clubs used to be named when you were young and cool.
  24. Being a Home and Away child or a Neigbours child ­but never both.
  25. Packing up the car and going Douth for the weekend.
  26. Moving to London, coming back.
  27. Moving to Melbourne, coming back.
  28. Crushing the hopes and dreams of little children by telling them “we don’t celebrate Halloween here”. Jerks.
  29. Complaining that baby boomers voted against daylight savings.
  30. Buying a year’s worth of wine in Margaret River. Drinking it all that weekend.
  31. Going to Freo to check out all the cool new bars and restaurants and ending up at Little Creatures again.
  32. Avoiding belligerent people on public transport the same way people avoid bear attacks—freeze, don’t make a sound, avoid eye contact, don’t panic. 
  33. Surviving winter by bringing out a small ineffective room heater and living in front of it until summer returns.
  34. Going to Kings Park and wondering why you don’t go there every day.
  35. Ditto with Rottnest.
  36. Sharing fun taxi stories with your friends. Oh your Eftpos doesn’t work? Don’t have change? Not going north? Texting your friend while driving? Driving with your knees? Sweet.
  37. Recalling that time a kookaburra stole the sausage right out of your hand. Still hurts.
  38. Fearing magpies. They go straight for the eyes.
  39. Getting really excited about summer and forgetting about all the flies that will be buzzing around you. Every time. 
  40. Fishing a bug out of your glass of white wine. Finishing wine. 
  41. Telling everyone how your friend once dated a West Coast Eagle.
  42. Complaining about how expensive everything is.
  43. Spending your whole life reapplying sunscreen.
  44. Building a massive house in the middle of nowhere. 
  45. Telling everyone about the cafe that serves up coffee “at Melbourne prices.”

Love Perth as much as us? Check out 50 Things You Should Have Done If You Live In Perth!

Image credit: Louise Coghill

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