I’m not sure if Kanye West was serious/sober when, at the MTV Video Music Awards last week, he declared himself in the running for the United States presidency in 2020.
As someone funnier than me on Twitter said, he was probably just so inspired by his own speech that he decided to throw his hat in the ring. Whatever his state of mind/sobriety level was at the time, I really hope he carries through with his threat.
We’re already being forced to listen to the manic ravings of IRL presidential candidate Donald Trump, so at least Kanye’s nonsensical ramblings would come without the hate-tinged megalomania.
Since American politics has now obviously lost any semblance of gravity, and being famous is now more important for presidential nominees than having lucid policies, political experience, basic intelligence or rationality, I would like to put forward a few more names.
I think any of the following presidential nominations would do a stellar job as leader of the free world.
Taylor Swift + #squad
She is currently the most famous human being and, as a trending pop star, Taylor Swift’s popularity is guaranteed to never fade. By 2020, the presidential election is likely to be decided on number of Twitter followers plus Instagram likes, so Tay-Tay might as well start moving her playsuits and rompers into The White House now. Having Taylor as president would be super cute but it would be even more super fun if she brought her #squad with her. Imagine a world run by the whole gorgeous gang: Tay-Tay, Selena Gomez, that hot model, Cara Delevigne, that other hot model, that Gigi girl – the whole gorgeous gang!! Because if there’s one thing American’s love it’s Big Government with a whiff of socialism.
Hannah Hart from My Drunk Kitchen
Hannah is probably the funniest thing on The Youtubes and watching her slur her way through a nine-month presidential campaign could only provide endless hilarity. Plus if she’s running against Kanye it would set up the ultimate ‘Ima let you finish’ v ‘Omelette you finish’ showdown. Should she win the presidency, imagine how we’ll chuckle when she drunkenly plunges the world into a centuries-long nuclear winter by starting a war with China, then forget even doing it in the morning!
It’s not that hard to picture all of America having what Oprah herself calls ‘an AHA! moment’ and sending the nation’s favourite talk show queen straight to the oval office. She could run the country simply by dispensing baffling inspirational catchphrases like ‘listen to the rhythm of your own calling, and follow that’. Dr Phil, as Secretary of State, would bully rogue nations into laying down their weapons with his own overly simplistic, hokey wisdom: ‘You don’t hate America… you hate yourself, son.’
The sassiest First Lady of all time would make an even better president. She would literally make every American eat carrots and oranges instead of Taco Bell and save them trillions of dollars in medical expenses. Plus it would be worth it just for the LOLS of watching their daughters have to squirm their way through another four years of public appearances.
What if… and just bear with me a moment here… what if Scientologists are TOTALLY RIGHT and we are all possessed with the souls of depressed aliens and on the brink of intergalactic war with the Klingons and can only save ourselves by giving money to people in tight white suits?* What if they are right about that and the only man to lead us into battle with the Daleks is Mr Mission Impossible, Tom Cruise? I’m just sayin’, Americans might be risking a lot by NOT electing him president.
* This description of the way Scientology works is based on my understanding as an outsider and may not be 100% accurate. If any Scientologists are reading this, please don’t kidnap me in one of your starships and take me to Krypton for ‘reprogramming’.
Look, I really don’t see many downsides to electing the very first Khaleesi-dent: Men want her, women want to be her, she’s the only surviving child of King Aerys II Targaryen, she is mostly kind but also a bit brutal and malevolent, we’ve all seen her naked, she has FRICKEN DRAGONS. What’s not to like?
There is a reason that every time Hollywood needs an actor to play the God, or the president, or Nelson Mandela or any benevolent, wise old man, they turn to Morgan Freeman. That reason is he has an awesome voice. And isn’t that 99% of what being president is all about? Really, you just want someone with gravitas who sounds like he knows what the hell he is talking about when giving speeches. Everyone knows the actual decisions about the destiny of the earth are made by Koch Industries and Rupert Murdoch. Meanwhile, Morgan Freeman could stand up at the State of Union address and read out literally anything, even Savage Garden lyrics, in his slow, world-weary manner, and people would be like, ‘Hell yeah! Magenta feelings DO take up shelter in the base of my spine like chica-cherry cola! We love America!’
Image credit: Evening Standard