There are two ways to watch Netflix. One is ‘Netflix and chill’ which means you put on a show then have sex with whoever is in the room with you. The second way is to simply ‘watch Netflix’, which means you choose a show or movie to watch then pay attention to it.
If you prefer the first method, then you are obviously a complete horndog who likes getting jiggy. Power to you.
For those who like to ‘watch Netflix’, the shows you choose to binge on actually offer a deep insight into the very core of your character.
To summarise, that was a convoluted way of saying:
Here’s what your favourite Netflix series says about you.
Orange is the New Black
Growing up you wanted to be a marine biologist so you could swim with dolphins. You only really gave up on that dream a couple of years ago. Secretly, you haven’t given up on that dream. You believe the hundreds of articles written about Ruby Rose every day are barely enough.
You have developed a big pot belly and grown a dirty moustache … and you are extremely proud of this. You are trying really hard to get caught jay walking or speeding so you can give the police officer two choices: ‘plata o plomo’ (silver or lead). You’re seriously looking into the logistics of getting flamingos and zebras as pets.
Your partner has said if you call him/her D.S. Miller in a strong Scottish accent one more time they are breaking up with you. In your spare time you like to stand around looking at cliffs, or stand on cliffs looking out to sea.
Hardly a day goes by when you don’t get blackout drunk on absinthe. When you can’t remember someone’s name you call them ‘homeslice’.
House of Cards
You have BBQ ribs for breakfast at least once a week. You once pushed someone in front of a train just because they called you ‘homeslice’. You have a detailed plan mapped out on how you will eventually become Prime Minister, but are having trouble getting started on step one which is ‘get a law degree’.
You love collecting WWI paraphernalia and often wear a German spiked helmet from that era when you pop out for coffee in the morning. Whether you’re gay, straight or something else entirely, you really want to get into Jake Peralta’s pants.
Call the Midwife
You think Karl Stefanovic is sexual napalm.
Every time you see someone who looks a bit like you, you start to wonder if there is indeed some crazy clone shit going on. Your (next) wedding is going to have a Steampunk theme.
Your underwear has your nametag on it in case you lose it. You see life through a Valencia filter. You can drink red wine all night but white turns you into a raging floosy.
Wet Hot American Summer
If you were a type of food you would be the Liver Sausage Pineapple. You are really bad at choosing sunglasses (your friends won’t tell you to your face but you look ridiculous). One day there will be a Wikipedia entry about you.
You read your first John Grisham book while still in primary school. You can name over two dozen varieties of old-timey hats. When someone mansplains something to you it kind of gets you aroused.
That imaginary friend you had as a kid is actually still around and they cry whenever you masturbate. When you get pangs of guilt about being drunk at work, you just think of Don Draper and realise you’re actually awesome.
You have an inexplicable fear of any dog that has some poodle in it. You’re so good looking it’s like Megan Fox was your mum and Paul Newman was your dad. Every time you see a grass hill you are really tempted to commando roll down it.