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Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Gen Phelan - 19 Mar 2018

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Well, well, well. We meet again. You—a hopeful, naive, astro-enthusiast hellbent on some gentle assurance for the week ahead. Us—an unfiltered, ruthless conduit through which the stars wreak havoc on your social life. 

Ah, it’s a good thing we have here. Here’s what the cosmos have in store for you this week...

Aquarius

You’ve never been too fond of commitments, hey Aquarius. Gym memberships? No wayz. Binding pledges of any kind? Get outta town. Heck, not even coffee loyalty cards can win your allegiance. But, with an important obligation heading your way, it’s time to start practising the art of sticking stuff out.

Pisces

Lost and insecure isn’t just a line from the chorus of that The Fray track. You’re feeling it at an all-time high RE the future. It’s kinda like the Year 8 orienteering class where you couldn’t use a compass to save yourself. BUT HEY, things always have a way of working themselves out. Set short-term goals, and concentrate on the ‘right now’.

Aries

Ash&gh%dksjkl!!, you just totally liked that prospective someone’s Instagram post from 167 weeks ago with their ex-someone on a so-romantic-it-makes-you-wanna-cry Maldives getaway. Quit the creepy stalking sessions Aries, and emerge stronger from the shame spiral. RN. Reset this week for a focus on Y-O-U.

Taurus

Time to power through those surmounting Uni assignments or work deadlines, full throttle. You’re in a funk, and not a Bruno Mars Uptown one. With lappy in hand, go to your favourite café, don some earphones and pump up the jams. A change of scenery will help you get sh*t done.

Gemini

Make thinking twice a ritual this week, Gemini. Proofread that text for your Mum before firing it off to your boss (ha, SOS), and double check you’ve donned matching socks before sprinting out the door. Sloooow it down, and don’t make any more unforced errors.

Cancer

All is fair in love and war, Cancerians. It’s time to forego some of your usual tricks of the trade, and implement an innovative approach the next time your heart is on the line. Rile up some unbridled ambition—think less Macbeth, more Amanda Bynes à la What A Girl Wants.

Leo

You’ve been maintaining a steady rhythm lately, lions and lionesses. Actually, it’s been pretty smooooth sailing. Prepare yo’self to enter some unchartered waters in the foreseeable future. Things may get a little rocky, but we’ve got a feeling a breach of routine could be fun.

Virgo

Everything in moderation. Right, Virgs? Wrong. This week, f*ck it. Indulge in your all-time favourite doughnut parlour, binge an entire TV series start to finish like the human sloth you are, or embark on a shopping spree chanting the almighty treat yo’ self mantra. More is more.

Libra

Externalise some of those internal shifts you’ve experienced lately, Libs. You know the ones. With this whole new frame of mind you’re harnessing comes a call to rejig your wardrobe, shake up your bedroom and renovate your current feng shui. ALLEZ!

Scorpio

It’s okay if you wanna change your mind. Just because you made a vague agreement to something a few moons back, doesn’t mean it’s gospel. You’re becoming dangerously good at the self-inflicted guilt trip, and it’s gotta stop. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Scorpz.

Sagittarius

Unleash your inner attention whore this week, Sags. You've been a little reclusive lately when it comes to the limelight. WHY? Kicking some massive milestones lately calls for a CEL-A-BRAY-SHUN, and all of the bragging rights. Form a factory line for pats on the back.

Capricorn

Capricorn, this week is all about plans. Whether they’re constantly falling through, or you’re itching to start making copious amounts of them, plans are the running trend in your ultra-near future. Keep your diary close and up-to-date so you don’t forget your boozy karaoke stint on Thursday.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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