The Bachelorette Power Ladder is here!
Every week we will rate the dudes according to each one’s chances of winning the whole Bachelorette Australia tournament, with the heroes at the top of the list and the zeroes at the bottom.
The prizes for victory are almost unfathomably deluxe; we’re talking marriage, magazine shoots, possible sexual relations with the bootylicious and bubbly Sam … maybe even some money, who knows? The point is it’s every single man in Australia’s greatest desire is to win this competition, but there are only a handful left in the race.
Let’s dive in.
This week Sam’s maternal instincts for the man-bunned Drew made her realise it would be kind of icky and Oedipal if she had sex with him, so she sent him home. Owl we go on without him??
Let’s see how the rest of the ASOS models faired.
Yeah, I know he hardly featured in this week’s adventures, but for mine he is still the sexiest beast of this lot. Like a kidney harvested from a backpacker in Eastern Europe, Alex has been put on ice for now … but Sam will come back for him later.
To put recent developments into words the man himself might use: full credit to the opposition but ‘Sash’ really put in a solid performance this week and laid the foundations for a big win. I can’t believe his alpha male shtick (‘take a knee, boys, we need to talk about bro code’) turns Sam into a giggling schoolgirl. But it does. They bonded over stepdads, they danced abysmally, they pashed. GET STUFFED SASHA. I mean, good game, mate. Well played.
Old mate did the hard yards last week and remains one of the favourites to be the future Mr Sam. He has the whole down-to-earth thing going for him and he’s built like a brick shithouse.
This ‘professional soccer player’ who like, once played in a kickabout game at a park where a professional soccer team sometimes trains, kind of says all the right things and ticks a lot of boxes (sweet tatts: check, squinty eyes: check), but I’m telling you there is no chemistry there. He’ll go deep into the competition but won’t win it.
What does it mean when a girl is asked to choose a dog to suit your personality and she gives you two Pomeranians? I know I would cry and throw the dogs in a river if that happened to me but Richie owned it. He rocked those puppies like Khalisi rocks her dragons. I doff my hat to you, sir.
Was that Kayne or Kayne-ye West, amirite? Seriously though, brother, Sam was actually into the whole awkward country boy vibe at first, so why you gotta go spittin’ rhymes like a chump? Added to that wretched headstand he did the other day, this guy is one more naff novelty act away from Bachelorette oblivion.
Though he comes across as pretty smarmy and did SFA to impress our maiden this week, Richie is a pretty good-looking hepcat, so I ain’t ruling him out just yet.
Sam was delighted that token hipster Will had some abdominal muscles, but I’m pretty sure he was tensing so hard he almost cut off circulation to his brain. He also got given a poncy white dog called Tino. Dude, that’s not a good sign. Let’s hope she didn’t see him when he was wearing overalls and an inexplicable Keith Richards bandana.
I could forgive the rampant overthinking of everything, the interlocked hearts tattoo, the forced ‘charisma’ and the punchable face, but I can’t forgive that sleeveless denim hoodie.
Yeah fine, homeboy is totally cut and is uber manscaped, but he macked on with a semi-conscious dog in front of everybody. My tip to go home next week.
Have we got it right? Hit us up!