Who Tony Abbott Should Knight Next

By Daniel Colasimone
29th Jan 2015

Our honourable Prime Minister, Mr Tony Abbott, trolled surprised all of Australia on January 26 by granting a Knighthood to a fellow who is not even Australian, Philip Mountbatten, aka Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, aka Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark.

That surprise (and even the odd grumble about the decision!) is most likely due to ignorance about who Philip Mountbatten actually is.

Mountbatten is a Greek millionaire who has been married to Elizabeth Windsor for 97 years. The pair live in a castle in England where they breed corgis and more princes.

Philip loves Australia, and has even visited a couple of times. 

According to Tony, he was given a Knighthood because of his charity work, so presumably he works in outback hospitals or helps build homeless shelters, or maybe he occasionally shows up to a charity dinner.

As you can see, he is a deserving Knight of Australia.

In order to avoid further controversy, we have compiled a shortlist of nominees for Tony to pick from when selecting Knights and Dames next year.

Let’s keep this wonderful tradition going strong by making the right choices, Mr Abbott.

Tim Cahill

Like Philip, Timmy Cahill is a millionaire who lives overseas. He is perhaps even more Aussie than the Prince, however, and he proves how dinky di he is by constantly by scoring rip-snorting goals for the Socceroos and appearing in Weet-Bix commercials. An obvious choice but a smart one.

Peter Stefanovic

Foreign correspondent Peter Stefanovic is a top-class journalist who travels to some of the world’s most dangerous hot spots chasing stories. Meanwhile, his brother Karl gets paid 10 times as much to sit on a couch in the mornings with various MILFs and make benign comments about celebrities. Peter deserves a Knighthood just for not strangling Karl in his sleep (assuming they still sleep in bunk beds). 

Queen Victoria

If sucking up to the Queen is the way to take this country forward, then perhaps we should honour more royals with imaginary titles. Elizabeth’s great-great grandmother (apologies if I’ve missed a great) may no longer be alive but, by reigning for over 63 years at a time of great social and political change, she almost certainly deserves a nod from Australia as much as Philip. 

The girl in the Ford ads

She has a particularly annoying way of walking and talking yet manages to still be smoking hot. Give her a Damehood. A Dameage. Dame her. Whatever. 

Taylor Swift

No doubt devastated and furious at having missed out on a spot in the Hottest 100, Swift may just forgive Australia if we make her Dame Tay Tay. I’m not even kidding. Don’t get her mad. She could ruin this entire country with a single Tweet, such is her celebrity power.

Caramello Koala

The first mass-marketed confection to be modelled on Australian fauna, Caramello Koala has been an Aussie institution since 1966. The Koala’s name is apparently George, which has a Knightly ring to it, and much like our PM, he has a soft centre. Badum tish. 

Grant Denyer

Grant deserves some kind of honour for somehow channelling his short man complex into a long and pointless television career. He managed to resurrect a show, in Family Feud, that nobody even liked in the first place and got it back onto prime time television. Make him a Knight of the realm, Tony, and perhaps he will go quietly into the night. 

Tony Abbott

You actually wouldn’t put it past him, would you?

Image credit: Australian Game Shows

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