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Your Unreliable Horoscope For 2015

By Yvonne Lam - 01 Jan 2015

Like hydrogen and helium, your future is in the stars. The Urban List have read about 80% of the Wikipedia article on astrology, and we think we’ve got your horoscope covered for 2015. 

Aries

Avoid green olives in the new year. Not because they’re bad for chi or anything, simply because they’re truly revolting. If you must indulge, make sure they are only consumed in the context of a vodka martini, where the alcohol will strip the evil fruit of its potent olive flavour, making it safe to consume. Do yourself a favour in 2015, and stick to cauliflower. Apparently it’s the new kale.  

Sagittarius

Family relationships are on the up for Saggitariuses in the 2015. If you’ve been re-awakening your teenage insolence throughout 2014, things between you and your ma and pa are brightening up for 2015. Specifically, you will teach them a new internet trick every week (the ‘forward attachment’ lesson is a ground breaker. There’ll be no more printing-scanning-then-re-emailing documents!). They will recognise you for the golden-child technological genius you are, and will stop asking you when you’re going to get married. 

Taurus

You will meet the girl of your dreams. She is dark and beautiful, stares lovingly into your eyes, and says so much by saying so little. You won’t meet in the most conventional of social situations (she might even be your housekeeper), but you’ll still have amazing conversations with her (even if she doesn’t speak the same language). She’ll take your breath away at any given moment, so much so that you will clumsily proclaim your love to her in her native Portuguese language. Oh wait, that was Colin Firth’s storyline in Love Actually. Er... Happy Tinder-ing!

Gemini

As the saying goes: new year, new health fund, new glasses! June/July is a good time to go and see your optometrist, but apparently they’re open during a lot of other months of the year as well. Though, here’s a dilemma that technology has yet to solve – when trying on spectacle frames, how the heck are the myopic fellows among us supposed to tell what looks good? Everything just looks kinda blurry in the mirror. This is when you take a buddy along and test the strength of your friendship. A good friend will pick out frames that make you look like Zooey Deschanel in New Girl. A bad friend will make you look like Breaking Bad’s Walter White. 

Cancer

It’s going to be a busy year, filled with many a business meeting, social gathering, dentist appointment, and Tupperware party. It will be the year of openings (art exhibitions, envelopes, old wounds), where many things will be raised (agenda items, wine glasses, eyebrows). How to keep on top of it all? Don’t. Stock up on canned food items, disconnect your phone, and curl your body into the smallest ball possible. 2016 will be on its way before you know it. 

Leo

Fiery Leos have got to play it cool this year. Your feisty passion at dinner party conversations is admirable, but hey! Sometimes you’ve got to a pop a lid on that kettle, buddy! Keep your emotions in check by counting backwards from ten, while making soothing ocean sounds inside a phone box. If you’re an artistic type, it really helps to draw a flow-chart of your emotions on a piece of butcher’s paper. You’ll become a better, more level-headed person with a knack for drawing perfect arrows. 

Virgo

Virgos, we’re not saying you’re exorbitant spenders or anything, but Saturn tells us it’s time to turn down the lux and turn up the thrift. You’re going to be making some important financial decisions in 2015. Perhaps it’s time to forgo the fancier broccolini for the layman’s option of broccoli? Broccolini is really half the amount of broccoli, but twice the price, and when you chop it up for your stir-fry, no-one can really tell the difference in the end, anyway. Give it a try. 

Libra

January is good time to start a new indoor hobby, and February is a good time to forget about it. Around June is when you’ll be inspired by “Things to do indoors” winter magazine articles and take it up again, then you’ll remember that it’s much easier to conserve your body heat by drinking wine and wearing fleecy two-pieces. In September your knitting needles will hold up your tomato plants, and come October that home-brew keg be the perfect Daleks to your Lost in Space Halloween costume. If you’re careful and keep your gear in pristine condition, you might be able to re-gift them for the work Kris Kringle! What a year this is going to be. 

Scorpio

Pluto’s orbit indicates that your finances might be looking up. Well, that is if Pluto is even a planet. Back in primary school it was a definitely a planet, then a few years ago it was exposed as a freeloader off Neptune’s orbit, and now scientists have dubbed it a “dwarf planet”, which is a bit of a cop out, really. Now we really don’t know what to do with the solar system mnemonic “My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas”. It’s been suggested that she just serves us nachos instead, but why would we want a plate of nachos when we had previously been proffered nine pizzas? We’re pretty hungry. So Scorpions, listen up. In 2015, don’t be fooled by the science. Just keep beating your clothes clean against the rock in the village river.  

Capricorn

Capricorns of 2014 are probably feeling down on love. If Tinder left you feeling cold, getting set-up with your third-cousin left you feeling even colder. Luckily, true love is just around the caffeine corner. The café crush is the oldest cliché in the romance book, but why not turn your latte-art into a latte-heart? That handsome barista is only going to get handsomer if you take the coffee plunge. Keep it breezy, not sleazy, with this love-zinger: “I’ll have a regular flat white, and your number, thanks”. 

Aquarius

It looks like Jupiter and Mars are finally aligning for the new year, and you know what that means. You probably don’t, so read on. Jupiter represents your childhood, and Mars your present life. So, we can safely conclude that for 2015, you should avoid any fashion trends that existed during your teen years. This includes, but is not limited to: overalls (neither denim nor corduroy), sandals with velcro-straps, bucket hats, zip-off cargo pants, and the floaty “peasant-hippie” look. Worryingly, all of the above are having a fashion renaissance. While it’s too early to tell if these are worn in the name of irony, one thing’s for certain – they are frightfully ugly. 

Pisces

Stuck in a career rut? Well, 2015 brings good news for you. Pisceans should go swimming after their creative passion, and quite possibly make a good buck or two out of it! March is your optimal month for a career shake-up, but anytime from January to February and April to December is a safe bet, too. Now is the time to show the world your sweet acrostic poem skills. And there really is an untapped market for your specialty googly-eye-pipe-cleaner creations. It’s time to make your creative thing go ka-ching!

Image credit: Parks And Recreation

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